It sucks...

It really sucks. You meet someone and have to leave. And that someone meets someone else. And you come back to nothing. 

But perhaps that is the way it is. 

In the end, there is just nothing.

Nothing left. Nobody. No one. No one. Not even me. 

Tears....

I could not help but cry...
Seeing mums pictures, hearing my nephew call out "grandma", "grandpa"... It was all too much.

Tears just streamed out of my eyes.
The tears stung, they were so painful , so heavy, and so easily shed. I miss mum... I miss dad... I miss being able to talk to them, I miss that feeling of home, that feeling of belonging. I miss the dinners together, the smiles and slaughters (but won't /don't miss arguments and tensions!).

It was another painful visit.
I miss mum and dad sorely.
Every single day.

Visiting parents...

Mum, dad,

we're coming to see you now,
Coming from Europe, from Canada
Together,
The four of us,
As one family.

I hope you are happy to see us.

Dropped wallet

錢包掉在路上，後面的人看到把錢包撿起來趕緊跑... 到掉錢包的人，叫著:『錢包掉了！』

這就是臺灣的美。

A wallet dropped on the road, the person walking behind saw it, picked up the wallet and ran... toward the person who lost the wallet shouting: "The wallet dropped!"

This is the beauty of Taiwan.

巛SIN-tpe

SIN-TPE

flying over Taiwan, ten minutes or so till touch down. I can see mountains , roads like grey capillaries cut across the land. 

Before, at this very moment of descent, I used to be filled with anticipation and excitement. Now? This emptiness of feeling, and moments of dread. Crossing passport control still fills me with such dread... The dread of being drafted and prevented from leaving until I complete military service. That fear has never subsided. Whereas before, I had a real purpose, the purpose of seeing mum (and dad), now what is the purpose of my visit? I ask myself that too...

Student occupation of parliament, food safety scandals, an unpopular government, dominance of the media by pro-China forces... This island and the people of this island has endured so much since I was last here. And somehow this place, this place of my birth, feels so foreign now. What am I doing here, I find myself asking. 

Twelve days to go... How do I fill these twelve days with meaning, with purpose and joy?

Fourth day in Istanbul

Fourth day here in Istanbul. Not really done much sightseeing, as I've been feeling not too great. This very bad stomach upset, most likely from stress, particularly after that blunder of a first lecture the other day. It really was horrible, but the four others that followed were much better, so maybe that saved my face. It was just so embarrassing in front of my boss...

One day, I took the boat to the Princess Islands, though it was beautiful sailing through the Bosphorus , the rest of the hour and a half trip (one way) was pretty unremarkable. The weather was (and still is) pretty horrendous. Sleet, and blowing snow, something like back in Montreal, the only difference is that it is not as cold. 

So I've spent the last three days more or less just spending time at the university I'm lecturing at, or in my hotel room. It feels kind of lonely here, not the same sense of excitement or adventurousness I anticipated before I started this trip.

My colleagues are pleasant, but they remain my boss and superiors, so I do feel there's a gap whenever we converse (I still call them "Professor"...) So dinners with then are awkward events. This social phobia, this social awakedness seems to be getting worse with age (and I'm turning 31 in less than two weeks...)

IST-SIN

On board SQ 381, IST-SIN.

 The long and often socially awkward and stressful week is finally over and I'm on my way home. 

There were so many moments I felt like I was a fraud, and wondered why I was even invited to join my boss and two other very capable people (one who has over thirty years of experience working at two organisations specialised in aviation....) I just felt at times they were probably judging me and regretting asking me to join them... I did what I could but felt so inadequate and like I was not performing as much as they expected me to. At one point, my boss said they had faith in my abilities. I responded, jokingly, but also partly true "perhaps too much".

The week in Turkey has been somewhat uneventful. Most of the time was spent at the hotel or at the university teaching or standing by to help students. There were only two days I had time to go out and explore, and even then the weather was pretty horrendous. I did get to take a long (too long...) Ferry ride to the Princess Islands, and visit the Aya Sofia, which ich was very impressive and temporarily got me lost in time and allowed me to be absorbed in the piety and grandeur of past religious glory. 

Heading home... To be honest, I'm not looking forward to it, even though it's only going to be 12 days tops. Just thinking of the emptiness I'll go back to, that home I cannot even return to, saddens me greatly.

 Of course, who knows that? Who has actually asked me how I feel about this entire trip? I tried to tell someone about how I feel, but again I get that sour dismissal which makes me feel like a complete fool for feeling how I feel. 

As soon as I head back, the very next morning brother and I agreed to go see our parents. I'm not even prepared for such a trip, and I'll probably be very emotional and breakdown...

I've not even begun to write my annual letter yet...