Strange dream

I woke up and felt so sick. After a quick breakfast I just had to lie down again because I felt so dizzy and unwell...

I was not alone in my sleep. I saw myself with someone, and it was so lovely. I think I have forgotten what it feels like to hold someone and be held, it's been far too long... Far far too long...

I don't know what happened, but the dream changed quickly, and I found myself in a home somewhere. It was such a strange place because I felt so at home there, even though I've never seen the place. Then, out of nowhere, mum appeared.

She was just as I remembered her, before illness crippled her and confined her to bed, before cancer made her so painfully thin, like someone interned at Auschwitz... She smiled at me, and came to me. She hugged me.

I woke up crying. 

Obscurity

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I decided the afternoon before. And in less than 12 hours I was on the train to Portland. 

For a long time I've wanted to take this special train. I was a fan of trains before (or maybe as well as...) a fan of planes. A a child, I took so many train journeys throughout Europe with mum (and to some extent also dad...). I remember with a month or so of moving to Europe, dad took the whole family on a three day trip on the (now defunct...) Benelux train. How excited I was. And even before that, I loved taking the train down to visit my relatives in the south and could already tell the difference between this and that express or local train at four or so. I got "lost" once, when dad took me to watch a municipal councillor  election speech. I was found by the police and had somehow found my way  to the train station. 

Back to now. I was excited to board the Cascades, the legendary train that travels from Vancouver BC down to Eugene-Springfield, OR, calling at Seattle, WA, and Vancouver (again!) on the way. After taking the Adirondack (Montreal, QC I New York, NY) and the Grand Canyon railway, this is the third of riding legendary railways of the US. 

The rolling stock was made in Spain, and what is unique is that two carriages share one wheel, which is supposed to allow the train to go faster and be more stable, especially around bends. Much of the scenery along the way follows Puget Sounds and the Georgia Straits, so you have these  views of islands with tall evergreens rising from the ocean that is so iconic of the Pacific Northwest. 

It felt good to be on the road again and to be riding the rails. The journey took over nine hours (with delays...) and passed so many small towns and forests. It felt good to be out in nature again, and reminded me of how much I want change in life. A change of people and things who/which matter. A change of place, a change of direction. 

I was exhausted from the night before, when I slept only two hours or so. But the excitement of being on a train kept me awake, at least during the first half of the journey. The latter half, I got out the computer and worked a bit until I could barely keep my eyes open. And for an hour or so I dozed off...

I arrived in Portland, my destination and home for the next three days. Nobody knows I'm here, and in some ways this sense of mystery and anonymity is comforting. Nobody really needs to know what I do here or why. Does anyone really care? I'm just someone who blends into the city and surroundings. Whenever I look back, I can see, all anyone can see is the absence of my presence here or anywhere. And that's alright.

I was so exhausted when I got to the hotel. After a dinner at an Americanised Chinese place, I went back to my room and rested. Who would have thought somehow the "tired" bug infected me and I could not get up at all. I had set my alarm for seven in the morning, and when I got up it was already half past nine. I missed my planned excursion to Cannon Beach. ( a trip that impromptu came into being after I noticed at the train station that you can take a coach there, a place a friend had shown me amazing pictures of the long tranquil beach and little islands that are like mountains along the coastline...) 

I felt nauseated and ill in the morning, and lay down to rest even more. By the time I was ready to leave the hotel, half the day was gone...

But I made good use of the other half. I went downtown to explore the "food pods", shacks congregated around certain squares of Portland selling all sorts of foods and delicacies in the style of "street food" common in asian countries. There were all sorts, from Egyptian to Greek, from Georgian to Thai, Vietnamese, Korean and even sushi bento boxes made fresh in front of you. Amazing. 

I rented a bike and explored what is nicknamed America"s bike capital. True to its name, there were all these bike trails, hundreds of kilometers in and around the city alone together with special lanes on busy thoroughfare. Really, there are special bike parking areas, designated areas at the front of the lane before a traffic light where bikers can wait safely . There are even lanes for (roller)skaters too! I was impressed, as this so much reminded me of back in the Netherlands, and there were so many other people on bikers too. 

I biked along the Willamette River and was taken aback by how clean and orderly the city is (At the same time, there are a lot of homeless people too, so many congregating around parks and wooded areas ...). And again it crossed my mind: the world is so big, with so much potential to explore. Why am I stuck in the same city I have been in for the past five years? 

Sleeplessness

I suddenly woke up after two hours of sleep and can sleep no more... 

Painful. My mind is so terribly agitated and disturbed. A conversation from a few hour earlier keeps playing in my head... It was about work, about being chained to work and being surrounded by people you don't really get along with yet must spend the vast majority of your days with because of "work". You have to work. To get money, to live, to survive in this world. 

I dread that day of having to go into some office and face people and things that do not interest me or that I have little passion about.  I dread becoming a droid and just being stuck in a dead-end job because there is nothing else. Work till you drop. Work till you die of illness, fatigue and/or old age. I saw it happen with my parents. I dread it happening with me.

It keeps me awake at night. Almost thirty, and where am I going? What am I doing with my life? Where is my career? Why do I care so little about career, fame, fortune or success? Why do I feel so inadequate compared with friends and people who are so advanced in their jobs and are making good money whereas I'm still dragging my feet and not fully realizing my potential? 

I cannot sleep. My life has so little meaning and is truly lacking purpose. And this is something I cannot share with anyone. 

It is done...

I did it. One more exam down, four more to go till I can qualify to take the bar. Do I want to do this? Do I really? I'm over half way through the qualification process. 

It was an exhausting process, in particular this exam. The subject matter, evidence, was difficult on its own, but more so due to my personal sensitivities (to put it mildly). For over a week I studied, but towards the end I was so drained and at times afraid to continue reading. It was intense.

My ex was very encouraging. He called every day to check on my process, and yesterday when I was on the brink of breaking down, as I was crying because of the way the subject matter affected me and threw into doubt whether I am suited to study law and pursue a career in it, he reminded me this all will pass. And it has. It's all over now. For now.

What made this entire process all the more difficult? I lost my purpose. I lack motivation and support. Why am I doing this? Why am I pushing myself to study something when I could, with my collection of degrees and language skills, do something I enjoy and that will not be as stressful? The question is what that something is. What? What? And for the lack of an answer I continue blindly onto this path towards a goal I do not even know if will bring me any benefit or real joy. 

I have lost my motivation and my drive. Lost the reason to continue, the reason to breathe and live for another day. I don't know if anyone sees it, or cares to see it. In front of people you must show this strong and stoic image, you must hide and pretend, because people don't want to see weakness, people don't want to know you're still hurt and wounded. It's why I've more or less stopped socialising with so many and choose to withdraw, to escape, to get away. When you are away from people, you do not have deal with judging eyes or comments behind your back. Yet all the more I long for company and companionship, long for understanding and someone with whom I can be fully myself...

The loss of my mum, and other losses I faced over the past few years, have really emptied me, have cleared me and robbed me of all purpose, all meaning, all feeling and passion. And the exams, and this difficult, difficult path to qualifying for the bar and becoming the  lawyer I really lack the confidence and ability in becoming, just accentuate and aggravate how lost and confused truly am inside. 

Left is an emptiness, a void I cannot fill. Left is this longing, this craving for company, for love, for companionship, for attention, for care that is so vast that it drives me to the brink of insanity and extremes of loneliness... What do I have left but laments and this void that devours my energy and my waking moments? 

Another exam done. "Normal" people would feel pride, joy, would go and celebrate and share with others the sense of accomplishment  and achievement they feel. But I feel nothing. I am only glad that it is all over. For the time being.

Exam eve

I don't know why or how... I just broke down and started crying.
Over a fricking exam. An exam! Why am I putting myself through this? Putting myself through an experience that is seriously undermining and collapse the relative calm and peace I have slowly built up over the past few months in finding some closure to losing mum...

 It's been a gruesome ten days of studying. At times studying and reading till I no longer could because of the extremely disheartening subject matter. Heart-wrenching and painful subject matter. Personal and sensitive subject matter. Things leave me so exhausted, so traumatised and so longing to just close my eyes and sleep so that I do not have to feel or think...

Am I weak or what?


No one, no one, no one, can know what I feel... No one can know what I feel.

Insanity

Why are afraid to close your eyes at night? 

Because you're afraid of someone breaking in... Because you're afraid of what (or more likely in my case, who...) you will see in your dreams. Dead people who are no longer around any more... Images of abuse, violence and horror. It is not pleasant. Not pleasant at all, and I am left so exhausted, so mentally exhausted and drained of all energy and motivation to do anything. This two days before an important exam...

I don't know how I got here, but this is a new low point. 

Think of me

Think of me.
Who will think of me?