Do I really care and want the best for my mum? Am I pushing mum too much
and telling her what's best for her? Am I running her life for her as I
see it should be lived? How is it that I cannot shake away the idea
that I seem to be deciding things for her, from her upcoming treatment
(with her consultation and consent over the phone before I signed the
agreement to proceed...) to whether or not to proceed with further
treatment, and now her decision whether to move to a whole new city...?
How much responsibility must I shoulder should everything become
horribly awry? Will I he able to live with myself and live with the
consequences of making her choose?
I mean her well, I really do. Of course, I cannot hide the fact that if
she is in the new city where there are a lot more people who are
relatives and more than just acquaintances, that would take a lot of
burden off of my shoulders. But that does not mean I will shrug off all
my responsibilities and just leave my mum to the care of others. I mean
well, and I just hope in this final stage of her life, she can live and
enjoy it in a secure and comfortable environment, in the proximity of
people she knows, people she is comfortable with, people who cab offer
various kinds of support and guidance, assurance and comfort. I think
she will have a better chance of finding that in Taichung, the
prospective new city. As she told me today, "Taipei is a cold
(冷漠）place..."
Her words, not mine.
02 February 2012
Lantern Festival
A full moon hangs in the sky, the first full moon after the lunar new year. Seeing the full moon always reminds me of my first relationship for some reason. Perhaps it because of the shape and brightness of the full moon, a symbol of perfect roundness, of unity and completeness. I sometimes get melancholy when I look up and see the moon, as I did tonight...
There was a song which touched my heart when I was very little. A song about longing and separation. And I heard that song in my head tonight...
Somewhere out there, under the full moon is someone for me. Imagine that, imagine the magic and possibility that we could perhaps be looking at the moon at this very moment... In any case, we are sleeping under the same moon, under the same full, bright moon...
Somewhere out there is someone who will one day soothe my tears when they fall, who will touch me when I need comforting, who will hold me when I am weak and down... I just have not met that person yet.
01 February 2012
Medium
I didn't say a word. Not a single word about who I am or what is wrong with mum.
"Oh, with her, it's very deep." Meaning advanced.
"What do you mean by that?" my friend asked.
"It's in the final stages."
Throughout the conversation I did not say a word. I was half suspicious, half curious. A medium who could know what is wrong with you just through the telephone? A medium who could heal even from afar and know what ails a little girl living in another country, a girl the medium has never ever met before? And now, this medium, just by talking with my friend could know about my mum's condition and where exactly her tumour is?
Believe it or not, there are stranger mysteries and unexplained phenomenon in the world. The medium says the universe has given her a gift, and she just wants to help people, make people live better, fuller lives. She's just a simple peasant who one day discovered she had the ability to know what is affecting someone's health or mind, and she has the ability to somehow 'heal'.
"Don't do any more treatment. She's already terribly weak. Just feel her right hand, there is so little energy left." How could the medium who has never ever met my mother know that? Unless my friend spoke to her before she called the medium...
"Stop taking medicine. It'll reduce her life. At most she has a year, maybe two."
Whatever the explanation, one thing is for sure, there isn't much time left. Mum indeed is very frail, very weak. More treatment, more medicine will eventually kill her, perhaps quicker than the cancer will. As I said to her before, why spent the remaining days of your life in a hospital? Why spend the final stage of your journey on earth facing doctors, facing medical equipment, ad having your life be regulated by chemicals and medicine? Life is more than that, much more than that...
"She should move. It'll prolong her life a little. It's best for her to move." How did the medium coincidentally say something that we were already planning?
The phone conversation ended, and I said nothing except a very faint thank you at the end. I will probably never see this lady ever. I did not pay anything, did not give her anything.
There are signs along the way. Sometimes it's a matter of whether you want to heed them
"Oh, with her, it's very deep." Meaning advanced.
"What do you mean by that?" my friend asked.
"It's in the final stages."
Throughout the conversation I did not say a word. I was half suspicious, half curious. A medium who could know what is wrong with you just through the telephone? A medium who could heal even from afar and know what ails a little girl living in another country, a girl the medium has never ever met before? And now, this medium, just by talking with my friend could know about my mum's condition and where exactly her tumour is?
Believe it or not, there are stranger mysteries and unexplained phenomenon in the world. The medium says the universe has given her a gift, and she just wants to help people, make people live better, fuller lives. She's just a simple peasant who one day discovered she had the ability to know what is affecting someone's health or mind, and she has the ability to somehow 'heal'.
"Don't do any more treatment. She's already terribly weak. Just feel her right hand, there is so little energy left." How could the medium who has never ever met my mother know that? Unless my friend spoke to her before she called the medium...
"Stop taking medicine. It'll reduce her life. At most she has a year, maybe two."
Whatever the explanation, one thing is for sure, there isn't much time left. Mum indeed is very frail, very weak. More treatment, more medicine will eventually kill her, perhaps quicker than the cancer will. As I said to her before, why spent the remaining days of your life in a hospital? Why spend the final stage of your journey on earth facing doctors, facing medical equipment, ad having your life be regulated by chemicals and medicine? Life is more than that, much more than that...
"She should move. It'll prolong her life a little. It's best for her to move." How did the medium coincidentally say something that we were already planning?
The phone conversation ended, and I said nothing except a very faint thank you at the end. I will probably never see this lady ever. I did not pay anything, did not give her anything.
There are signs along the way. Sometimes it's a matter of whether you want to heed them
Helping another, helping yourself
Why is it that wherever I go I am surrounded by people who need help? Or am i just too nosy and care too much about other people's issues and wellbeing?
My mother needs my physical presence and emotional support to recover... my cousin needs my English training and also counselling to overcome her fears of failing her english proficiency teat, and the breakdown of her two year relationship... my brother needs me to reassure him about mum's condition and tell him not worry too much and just go back to work because I'll stay around as long as
I can... And then there's the monk, who seems to have lost all spark of life and motivation to do anything...
I'll always try to do the best I can to help, extend my hand if needed, lend an ear if I can just listen...
But who can I turn to when I have the need to cry or release my frustrations? Who can I turn to and not feel like I am taking up their time and burdening them?
My ex/ best friend earlier implied that I cause him such unhappiness and tears... And the monk I used to be able to open my heart to is himself in emotional turmoil... And of course, I don't really believe dad is going to reply to my mail anytime soon! So who can I turn to, but you, my dear blog and all you faceless readers out there...?
Find strength within... And I will one day be stronger, braver than ever before.
Deserving more
And it wasn't the first time someone said that to me.
"If he's happy with his new life, why shouldn't you be? Let go, free yourself. You deserve more than this..."
31 January 2012
Not the same
31012012.2317
Not the same
I've been coming to the monastery in the mountains for over six years. When I first arrived, there was such spirit, such energy. Everyday there were many chores to do, errands to run, translation work to be done. There was barely any dull moment. The monk soon became a close friend and confidante, a father figure, someone I could go to for advice about Buddhist teachings and practice, someone who inspired and lived life as a model for many to aspire to.
Two years ago, the monastery's managing person passed away. The monk was and has been devastated. Today, I can still see the hurt in his eyes when I talk about cancer and its effects on my mum. Today I can see moist eyes when I describe the utter fatigue and emotional drain mum's current condition is having on me.
The monk is no longer as colourful and chatty as before. Perhaps age too has taken away part of the life from him. But I know, I can sense, that the loss of his disciple was devastating and broke the monk apart. I know he is still lingering in his mind about the past. What exactly I cannot know, and I dare not ask too much because it's all so very personal and raw. And I respect him greatly, have such great reverence toward him for all the wisdom he has shared with me...
"I'm sorry it's all so difficult..." I said at one point when I realised talking about my mum's treatment and her hospitalisation changed the look on the monk's face... We sat a while in silence before I changed the topic.
I wish I could reach him, and that he could open up to me and share with me his pain, even after these two years. But I know he won't, because he's a monk, and monk's are supposed to be able to weather emotional turbulence and mental distress and come of it all having dealt with and overcome death. And because of this, a place where I thought I could unwind and release my feelings feels now more distant... Maybe I too have changed over the years, and cannot always expect to come here and relieve those happy and carefree moments years ago. People change, circumstances change, feelings change. But whether monk or laypersons, we are all human beings with feelings, human beings who hurt, who cry, who need care and human compassion and understanding...
We all have our personal pains to deal with, we all have our wounds to heal, and pasts to mend and overcome. The monk is facing his, and from what I can see, from others who are close to his life tell me, he has steadily been dragged deep down into depression and lethargy...
I too have my lesson in death to face in the eventual loss of my mother. How will I respond? Will I too turn people away and just want to close my eyes and rest and rest and rest? Will I too recluse myself and be too tired and unmotivated to do anything worthy of mention...? Time will tell.
I only hope I will be strong and collected when that day comes, and when I am alone on this world... But for now, I only hope I can say something, maybe do something, to help the monk who has inspired me all these years, and who has been my guide and compass through difficulties and pains. Help him walk away from the darkness of the past, help him rediscover and reconnect the way things are...
Help him be a light and strength onto himself...
Not the same
I've been coming to the monastery in the mountains for over six years. When I first arrived, there was such spirit, such energy. Everyday there were many chores to do, errands to run, translation work to be done. There was barely any dull moment. The monk soon became a close friend and confidante, a father figure, someone I could go to for advice about Buddhist teachings and practice, someone who inspired and lived life as a model for many to aspire to.
Two years ago, the monastery's managing person passed away. The monk was and has been devastated. Today, I can still see the hurt in his eyes when I talk about cancer and its effects on my mum. Today I can see moist eyes when I describe the utter fatigue and emotional drain mum's current condition is having on me.
The monk is no longer as colourful and chatty as before. Perhaps age too has taken away part of the life from him. But I know, I can sense, that the loss of his disciple was devastating and broke the monk apart. I know he is still lingering in his mind about the past. What exactly I cannot know, and I dare not ask too much because it's all so very personal and raw. And I respect him greatly, have such great reverence toward him for all the wisdom he has shared with me...
"I'm sorry it's all so difficult..." I said at one point when I realised talking about my mum's treatment and her hospitalisation changed the look on the monk's face... We sat a while in silence before I changed the topic.
I wish I could reach him, and that he could open up to me and share with me his pain, even after these two years. But I know he won't, because he's a monk, and monk's are supposed to be able to weather emotional turbulence and mental distress and come of it all having dealt with and overcome death. And because of this, a place where I thought I could unwind and release my feelings feels now more distant... Maybe I too have changed over the years, and cannot always expect to come here and relieve those happy and carefree moments years ago. People change, circumstances change, feelings change. But whether monk or laypersons, we are all human beings with feelings, human beings who hurt, who cry, who need care and human compassion and understanding...
We all have our personal pains to deal with, we all have our wounds to heal, and pasts to mend and overcome. The monk is facing his, and from what I can see, from others who are close to his life tell me, he has steadily been dragged deep down into depression and lethargy...
I too have my lesson in death to face in the eventual loss of my mother. How will I respond? Will I too turn people away and just want to close my eyes and rest and rest and rest? Will I too recluse myself and be too tired and unmotivated to do anything worthy of mention...? Time will tell.
I only hope I will be strong and collected when that day comes, and when I am alone on this world... But for now, I only hope I can say something, maybe do something, to help the monk who has inspired me all these years, and who has been my guide and compass through difficulties and pains. Help him walk away from the darkness of the past, help him rediscover and reconnect the way things are...
Help him be a light and strength onto himself...
30 January 2012
Proposal
30012012.1542
Woke up extremely early, just after six to make breakfast. As she has plans to take extensive scans of her body, the nurse said she cannot eat anything after seven in the morning.
Mum ate, a bowl of congee with some greens and stir-fried egg and tomatoes in soy sauce, and some nuts.
Within ten minutes everything came out again...
I could eat no more, and my face became glum and heavy. My stomach started to churn, in the way it does when I'm under extreme levels of stress and worry. Last night just before bed she threw up. And now just after bed mum throws up again... Is it something I cooked? Is it because it's not good enough? I became upset... Very upset and moody seeing her like that. I know it does not help the situation at all. And what made it worse was that she kept apologising...
"I'm sorry for throwing up... I'm sorry for being like this..." As if she can help herself... As if she chooses to be this ill and unwell. Nobody, nobody in their right mind, would choose to be afflicted with cancer.
Nobody!
Mum's apologies were perhaps more upsetting than watching her throw up and bend over the toilet bowl. And every time, after she is done, I would go hose everything down and clean up any "mess" left behind.
My hurt and sadness turned to anger, not directed at her, but at the situation, at my own helplessness... I know, rationally and fundamentally I know it does not help to loose my calm and composure. I know I cannot possibly being around mum, who needs support and kindness, whenever she feels so unwell and sick. But after a month of constantly being there at her side, I cannot help but lose "it"... "Forgive me," I said, "I'm so moody and agitated these days, and everything is too much."
I was not angry or frustrated at get, but at the fact that I try and I try to make her feel better, I try and I try to cool her a decent meal with all the necessary nutrients and anti-oxidants, and nothing stays in her stomach. Her body, perhaps her cancer seems to reject everything in the last week almost... Reject and eject everything out of her mouth, making her feel so very sick and frail afterwards...
Naturally I called the hospital to call off the planned appointment for scans and tests. Once again, postponed to next week, the second postponement because mum simply is too weak to undergo further treatment...
I was so tired I fell asleep. For sleep is the only safe refuge I cab seek and find these days... Sleep and write and rave about everything I am experiencing now, about everything that is causing me such traumatic stress and a terribly headache.
"Go, go away for a few days..." mum said to me when I woke up again.
I was reluctant, but I know I need to. I am causing her pain to be in this extremely agitated and frustrated framework of mind. I even disgust myself with the anger and frustration I feel deep inside seeing mum so sick and in so much pain...
As brother will be around for two days, I decided it was time to go. Time for me to get away from it all and refresh my mind, rejuvenate my spirit. Immersed in such a high stress and at times deeply personal and helpless situation is extremely damaging to my mental and physical health. I can feel it...
Besides, it's time to give brother and mum some time alone, and in a way for him to see what it is I have been facing everyday for yhr past month, every few months for the past four years...
1657
I dozed off and when I woke up, it was almost time to get off. I looked outside the window, and in the not too far off distance was the city. I never really noticed how modern it has become, Taichung. So many skyscrapers, crowded in an urban sprawl, and in the background, mountains of central taiwan.
Did this city suddenly have more of an appeal to me now? Before, it was merely a place where I transferred on my way to the mountains. Recently, it is the hometown of my sister-in-law and her extended family. Could it be my new hometown?
In one of those rare occasions, mum, brother and I had a chance to be together and talk. We did that last night after dinner, and it was then that brother proposed to mum to relocate to Taichung.
"That way, you'll be closer to [my sister-in-law's] relatives, and they can check up on you more regularly..."
It was a great idea, one i was grateful for, and perhaps the most meaningful way brother has contributed to mum's road to recovery. Mum seemed moved by that proposal. She needs a whole new start in life, especially if after the (now postponed) cyberknife treatment she does not wish to continue with any more treatment. Mum really has to leave taipei, leave the dreadfully crowded and polluted place and the wet climate of the north and go somewhere where the temperature is the mildest in the country. Mum really needs to leave behind the neighbourhood, which for the past few years, and even before that when dad was still alive, has been filled with memories of hospitals and doctor's appointments. Besides, Taichung is a place where she spent her university years, and though much has changed in the past three decades, I remember her telling me that she enjoyed those years there.
It doesn't have to be a permanent move, for she could just rent a place and see how things go. My sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, and they have been very willing ever since my brother got married to help mum. When mum and my brother's mother-in-law spoke yesterday, they said they could already start looking for a place. Of course most likely I'd have to spend some time looking at apartments on mum's behalf, but I don't mind that if in the end mum is in a city where there are many more people who can look out for her. And as my sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, they can easily find mum a carer who can come every other day or so to help mum with her household chores and even keep her company. At the moment, being in Taipei, there really is no one who is close enough, and there really is no reason keeping mum there. And mum does not need a full-time maid who is there all the time, for she is still mobile and can do most things on her own.
Of course, she would have to change hospitals, but she wanted to do that anyways because she feels her main physician has in recent times been less courteous, especially as mum went to operate on her spine with a surgeon not on her main physician's recommendation. But that is just petty rivalry between big egos and mum does not need to get worse health care and attention just because of that...
The proposal to move sounds very tempting, and very assuring. Being surrounded by relatives (for that's what my sister-in-law's family are now...) has benefits in that mum can be less lonely, will have people she can interact with and help her if need be. And she will be much closer to the countryside, to the monastery She likes to visit, so she can go more regularly and be inspired and encouraged by the monk's teachings. In Taipei, where she is now, there is her one or two close friends, who only come around once in a while. Otherwise, mum spends most of her time alone at home, watching tv or in front of te computer...she tells me she is frustrated and lonely, and I can see it, I can feel it...
It remains to be seen whether the plan will work out. "Move for yourself, only because you want to, not because you feel like it's best for my sake," I said to her. Part of me is afraid she is moving because she does not want me come back here to be with her, and that by moving I can be more assured she is surrounded by people who can care for her more and more often.
So it remains to be seen if it'll all work out. But I smiled at the proposal, and hopefully it will bring mum positive new changes and a new start in life.
Woke up extremely early, just after six to make breakfast. As she has plans to take extensive scans of her body, the nurse said she cannot eat anything after seven in the morning.
Mum ate, a bowl of congee with some greens and stir-fried egg and tomatoes in soy sauce, and some nuts.
Within ten minutes everything came out again...
I could eat no more, and my face became glum and heavy. My stomach started to churn, in the way it does when I'm under extreme levels of stress and worry. Last night just before bed she threw up. And now just after bed mum throws up again... Is it something I cooked? Is it because it's not good enough? I became upset... Very upset and moody seeing her like that. I know it does not help the situation at all. And what made it worse was that she kept apologising...
"I'm sorry for throwing up... I'm sorry for being like this..." As if she can help herself... As if she chooses to be this ill and unwell. Nobody, nobody in their right mind, would choose to be afflicted with cancer.
Nobody!
Mum's apologies were perhaps more upsetting than watching her throw up and bend over the toilet bowl. And every time, after she is done, I would go hose everything down and clean up any "mess" left behind.
My hurt and sadness turned to anger, not directed at her, but at the situation, at my own helplessness... I know, rationally and fundamentally I know it does not help to loose my calm and composure. I know I cannot possibly being around mum, who needs support and kindness, whenever she feels so unwell and sick. But after a month of constantly being there at her side, I cannot help but lose "it"... "Forgive me," I said, "I'm so moody and agitated these days, and everything is too much."
I was not angry or frustrated at get, but at the fact that I try and I try to make her feel better, I try and I try to cool her a decent meal with all the necessary nutrients and anti-oxidants, and nothing stays in her stomach. Her body, perhaps her cancer seems to reject everything in the last week almost... Reject and eject everything out of her mouth, making her feel so very sick and frail afterwards...
Naturally I called the hospital to call off the planned appointment for scans and tests. Once again, postponed to next week, the second postponement because mum simply is too weak to undergo further treatment...
I was so tired I fell asleep. For sleep is the only safe refuge I cab seek and find these days... Sleep and write and rave about everything I am experiencing now, about everything that is causing me such traumatic stress and a terribly headache.
"Go, go away for a few days..." mum said to me when I woke up again.
I was reluctant, but I know I need to. I am causing her pain to be in this extremely agitated and frustrated framework of mind. I even disgust myself with the anger and frustration I feel deep inside seeing mum so sick and in so much pain...
As brother will be around for two days, I decided it was time to go. Time for me to get away from it all and refresh my mind, rejuvenate my spirit. Immersed in such a high stress and at times deeply personal and helpless situation is extremely damaging to my mental and physical health. I can feel it...
Besides, it's time to give brother and mum some time alone, and in a way for him to see what it is I have been facing everyday for yhr past month, every few months for the past four years...
1657
I dozed off and when I woke up, it was almost time to get off. I looked outside the window, and in the not too far off distance was the city. I never really noticed how modern it has become, Taichung. So many skyscrapers, crowded in an urban sprawl, and in the background, mountains of central taiwan.
Did this city suddenly have more of an appeal to me now? Before, it was merely a place where I transferred on my way to the mountains. Recently, it is the hometown of my sister-in-law and her extended family. Could it be my new hometown?
In one of those rare occasions, mum, brother and I had a chance to be together and talk. We did that last night after dinner, and it was then that brother proposed to mum to relocate to Taichung.
"That way, you'll be closer to [my sister-in-law's] relatives, and they can check up on you more regularly..."
It was a great idea, one i was grateful for, and perhaps the most meaningful way brother has contributed to mum's road to recovery. Mum seemed moved by that proposal. She needs a whole new start in life, especially if after the (now postponed) cyberknife treatment she does not wish to continue with any more treatment. Mum really has to leave taipei, leave the dreadfully crowded and polluted place and the wet climate of the north and go somewhere where the temperature is the mildest in the country. Mum really needs to leave behind the neighbourhood, which for the past few years, and even before that when dad was still alive, has been filled with memories of hospitals and doctor's appointments. Besides, Taichung is a place where she spent her university years, and though much has changed in the past three decades, I remember her telling me that she enjoyed those years there.
It doesn't have to be a permanent move, for she could just rent a place and see how things go. My sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, and they have been very willing ever since my brother got married to help mum. When mum and my brother's mother-in-law spoke yesterday, they said they could already start looking for a place. Of course most likely I'd have to spend some time looking at apartments on mum's behalf, but I don't mind that if in the end mum is in a city where there are many more people who can look out for her. And as my sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, they can easily find mum a carer who can come every other day or so to help mum with her household chores and even keep her company. At the moment, being in Taipei, there really is no one who is close enough, and there really is no reason keeping mum there. And mum does not need a full-time maid who is there all the time, for she is still mobile and can do most things on her own.
Of course, she would have to change hospitals, but she wanted to do that anyways because she feels her main physician has in recent times been less courteous, especially as mum went to operate on her spine with a surgeon not on her main physician's recommendation. But that is just petty rivalry between big egos and mum does not need to get worse health care and attention just because of that...
The proposal to move sounds very tempting, and very assuring. Being surrounded by relatives (for that's what my sister-in-law's family are now...) has benefits in that mum can be less lonely, will have people she can interact with and help her if need be. And she will be much closer to the countryside, to the monastery She likes to visit, so she can go more regularly and be inspired and encouraged by the monk's teachings. In Taipei, where she is now, there is her one or two close friends, who only come around once in a while. Otherwise, mum spends most of her time alone at home, watching tv or in front of te computer...she tells me she is frustrated and lonely, and I can see it, I can feel it...
It remains to be seen whether the plan will work out. "Move for yourself, only because you want to, not because you feel like it's best for my sake," I said to her. Part of me is afraid she is moving because she does not want me come back here to be with her, and that by moving I can be more assured she is surrounded by people who can care for her more and more often.
So it remains to be seen if it'll all work out. But I smiled at the proposal, and hopefully it will bring mum positive new changes and a new start in life.
29 January 2012
Treatment or not?
A new treatment may be about to begin today, mum's last hope as far as the spine is concerned.
But she does not want to go. She has been sleeping poorly, and threw up again this morning after the breakfast I made...
She is physically weak, and I think mentally dreading the treatment...
Another sleepless night
30012012.0216
Two in the morning, and mum is experiencing severe bouts of coughing, making it difficult for her to fall asleep. Just before bed, she threw up, two, three times. Everything I cooked, everything she ate thinking it'll give her a boost of nutrients and restore her energy level, came pouring out of her mouth. It was a sorry and painful sight to bear...
Already the fifth night that she has been unable to sleep well, and when she does sleep, it's only for a few hours. As I sleep right on the floor next to her bed, I can hear if she's stirring or still awake ( though admittedly, I've been so exhausted I fall sleep through...).
Is it because of her cold, or is it something more fundamental related to her cancer? Throwing up is one of the symptoms of cancer spreading. That and constant fatigue, which she also has, even though she is unable to fall asleep for long. She tells me every time she coughs, her surgical wounds hurt terribly. So not just the coughing but also her pains are keeping her awake. Painkillers are not working... Or is it because she's not taking them?
Never before, as far as I know, has she used sleep inducers. and today she requested it to be given to her so she can take it before sleep.
But so far, there has been little effect...
Two in the morning, and mum is experiencing severe bouts of coughing, making it difficult for her to fall asleep. Just before bed, she threw up, two, three times. Everything I cooked, everything she ate thinking it'll give her a boost of nutrients and restore her energy level, came pouring out of her mouth. It was a sorry and painful sight to bear...
Already the fifth night that she has been unable to sleep well, and when she does sleep, it's only for a few hours. As I sleep right on the floor next to her bed, I can hear if she's stirring or still awake ( though admittedly, I've been so exhausted I fall sleep through...).
Is it because of her cold, or is it something more fundamental related to her cancer? Throwing up is one of the symptoms of cancer spreading. That and constant fatigue, which she also has, even though she is unable to fall asleep for long. She tells me every time she coughs, her surgical wounds hurt terribly. So not just the coughing but also her pains are keeping her awake. Painkillers are not working... Or is it because she's not taking them?
Never before, as far as I know, has she used sleep inducers. and today she requested it to be given to her so she can take it before sleep.
But so far, there has been little effect...
Unwell
All these posts about people and happenings in my life, a change of perspective and turning the attention to me now... Me, whom I've neglected time and again, and rarely really take care.
The long breakup and loss of my best friend and mum's deteriorating health have together really caused me much pain and anxiety over the past year. And for the past four years, there have been other misfortunes and worries along the way... the loss of my dear dad, the loss of my "mother" in the Netherlands, the loss of a close friend, and now confronting my uncle's imminent passing (all because of cancer...), combined with my own unstable and undecided future. All these reasons, external and internal influences, combine to make me feel like my world is so disturbed and insecure...
Never before, I don't think, have I felt such stress, such emotional pain that often manifests into physical discomfort... at the back of my head, in my bowels, in my back, around my hips. Sometimes, the pain is sudden and sharp, and it goes away after a while. Right now, after an evening of watching mum in great, great discomfort and throwing up two, three times made my stomach churn...
I know I take too much to heart. I tell others to laugh at things, even the most difficult things in life, and I should heed my own advice at times. But I feel as if there are so many, too many, things I should do something about. And yet I am powerless to do or say anything to affect change or influence things. It creates much stress and tensions within, makes me sleep so badly at night, makes me moody and mentally drained... And I feel, perhaps due to some morbid sense of paranoia, as if something is 'growing' inside of me, as if all the traumatic experiences and feelings, the accumulated fatigue and emotional depression and hurt, might feed the growth of malignant cells...
Yes, sometimes when I hurt in my bowels, or at the back of my head, or on my skull, I see images of my own body. Images like those of the scans I have of mum, which I have stored on my computer... images of 'grey areas' growing on the bone... haunting images of 'dark areas' compressing on the nerves and muscles... I see myself, or imagine things, growing... Stress, long term depression, and exposure to traumatic experiences of seeing a loved one sick and become more sick are very toxic cocktails for the anyone's body and mind.
How do I de-stress? How do I worry and fear less? I try to meditate... I try to calm down and breathe... Who can take my anxieties and stop me trembling when I do, help me feel reassured and safe? Who can I turn to, but here, to the faceless, unknown reader who, from a safe distance, reads this depressing account of a lost boy's life woes and worries?
People tell me again and again to take care of myself. They remind me if I fall ill, who will take care of my mother?
I must not fall ill, I must not succumb to any illness or disease of any kind. Mental or physical, and certainly not the illness I fear the most: cancer!
I must be strong, stay strong, and weather the emotional and physical turbulences that come my way!
For if I fall ill, who will take care of me?
The long breakup and loss of my best friend and mum's deteriorating health have together really caused me much pain and anxiety over the past year. And for the past four years, there have been other misfortunes and worries along the way... the loss of my dear dad, the loss of my "mother" in the Netherlands, the loss of a close friend, and now confronting my uncle's imminent passing (all because of cancer...), combined with my own unstable and undecided future. All these reasons, external and internal influences, combine to make me feel like my world is so disturbed and insecure...
Never before, I don't think, have I felt such stress, such emotional pain that often manifests into physical discomfort... at the back of my head, in my bowels, in my back, around my hips. Sometimes, the pain is sudden and sharp, and it goes away after a while. Right now, after an evening of watching mum in great, great discomfort and throwing up two, three times made my stomach churn...
I know I take too much to heart. I tell others to laugh at things, even the most difficult things in life, and I should heed my own advice at times. But I feel as if there are so many, too many, things I should do something about. And yet I am powerless to do or say anything to affect change or influence things. It creates much stress and tensions within, makes me sleep so badly at night, makes me moody and mentally drained... And I feel, perhaps due to some morbid sense of paranoia, as if something is 'growing' inside of me, as if all the traumatic experiences and feelings, the accumulated fatigue and emotional depression and hurt, might feed the growth of malignant cells...
Yes, sometimes when I hurt in my bowels, or at the back of my head, or on my skull, I see images of my own body. Images like those of the scans I have of mum, which I have stored on my computer... images of 'grey areas' growing on the bone... haunting images of 'dark areas' compressing on the nerves and muscles... I see myself, or imagine things, growing... Stress, long term depression, and exposure to traumatic experiences of seeing a loved one sick and become more sick are very toxic cocktails for the anyone's body and mind.
How do I de-stress? How do I worry and fear less? I try to meditate... I try to calm down and breathe... Who can take my anxieties and stop me trembling when I do, help me feel reassured and safe? Who can I turn to, but here, to the faceless, unknown reader who, from a safe distance, reads this depressing account of a lost boy's life woes and worries?
People tell me again and again to take care of myself. They remind me if I fall ill, who will take care of my mother?
I must not fall ill, I must not succumb to any illness or disease of any kind. Mental or physical, and certainly not the illness I fear the most: cancer!
I must be strong, stay strong, and weather the emotional and physical turbulences that come my way!
For if I fall ill, who will take care of me?
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