Proposal

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Woke up extremely early, just after six to make breakfast. As she has plans to take extensive scans of her body, the nurse said she cannot eat anything after seven in the morning.

Mum ate, a bowl of congee with some greens and stir-fried egg and tomatoes in soy sauce, and some nuts.

Within ten minutes everything came out again...

I could eat no more, and my face became glum and heavy. My stomach started to churn, in the way it does when I'm under extreme levels of stress and worry. Last night just before bed she threw up. And now just after bed mum throws up again... Is it something I cooked? Is it because it's not good enough? I became upset... Very upset and moody seeing her like that. I know it does not help the situation at all. And what made it worse was that she kept apologising...

 "I'm sorry for throwing up... I'm sorry for being like this..." As if she can help herself... As if she chooses to be this ill and unwell. Nobody, nobody in their right mind, would choose to be afflicted with cancer.

 Nobody!

Mum's apologies were perhaps more upsetting than watching her throw up and bend over the toilet bowl. And every time, after she is done, I would go hose everything down and clean up any "mess" left behind.

My hurt and sadness turned to anger, not directed at her, but at the situation, at my own helplessness... I know, rationally and fundamentally I know it does not help to loose my calm and composure. I know I cannot possibly being around mum, who needs support and kindness, whenever she feels so unwell and sick. But after a month of constantly being there at her side, I cannot help but lose "it"... "Forgive me," I said, "I'm so moody and agitated these days, and everything is too much."

I was not angry or frustrated at get, but at the fact that I try and I try to make her feel better, I try and I try to cool her a decent meal with all the necessary nutrients and anti-oxidants, and nothing stays in her stomach. Her body, perhaps her cancer seems to reject everything in the last week almost... Reject and eject everything out of her mouth, making her feel so very sick and frail afterwards...

Naturally I called the hospital to call off the planned appointment for scans and tests. Once again, postponed to next week, the second postponement because mum simply is too weak to undergo further treatment...

I was so tired I fell asleep. For sleep is the only safe refuge I cab seek and find these days... Sleep and write and rave about everything I am experiencing now, about everything that is causing me such traumatic stress and a terribly headache.

"Go, go away for a few days..." mum said to me when I woke up again.

I was reluctant, but I know I need to. I am causing her pain to be in this extremely agitated and frustrated framework of mind. I even disgust myself with the anger and frustration I feel deep inside seeing mum so sick and in so much pain...

As brother will be around for two days, I decided it was time to go. Time for me to get away from it all and refresh my mind, rejuvenate my spirit. Immersed in such a high stress and at times deeply personal and helpless situation is extremely damaging to my mental and physical health. I can feel it...

Besides, it's time to give brother and mum some time alone, and in a way for him to see what it is I have been facing everyday for yhr past month, every few months for the past four years...


1657

I dozed off and when I woke up, it was almost time to get off. I looked outside the window, and in the not too far off distance was the city. I never really noticed how modern it has become, Taichung. So many skyscrapers, crowded in an urban sprawl, and in the background, mountains of central taiwan.

Did this city suddenly have more of an appeal to me now? Before, it was merely a place where I transferred on my way to the mountains. Recently, it is the hometown of my sister-in-law and her extended family. Could it be my new hometown?

In one of those rare occasions, mum, brother and I had a chance to be together and talk. We did that last night after dinner, and it was then that brother proposed to mum to relocate to Taichung.

"That way, you'll be closer to [my sister-in-law's] relatives, and they can check up on you more regularly..."

It was a great idea, one i was grateful for, and perhaps the most meaningful  way brother has contributed to mum's road to recovery. Mum seemed moved by that proposal. She needs a whole new start in life, especially if after the (now postponed) cyberknife treatment she does not wish to continue with any more treatment. Mum really has to leave taipei, leave the dreadfully crowded and polluted place and the wet climate of the north and go somewhere where the temperature is the mildest in the country. Mum really needs to leave behind the neighbourhood, which for the past few years, and even before that when dad was still alive, has been filled with memories of hospitals and doctor's appointments. Besides, Taichung is a place where she spent her university years, and though much has changed in the past three decades, I remember her telling me that she enjoyed those years there.

It doesn't have to be a permanent move, for she could just rent a place and see how things go. My sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, and they have been very willing ever since my brother got married to help mum. When mum and my brother's mother-in-law spoke yesterday, they said they could already start looking for a place. Of course most likely I'd have to spend some time looking at apartments on mum's behalf, but I don't mind that if in the end mum is in a city where there are many more people who can look out for her. And as my sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, they can easily find mum a carer who can come every other day or so to help mum with her household chores and even keep her company. At the moment, being in Taipei, there really is no one who is close enough, and there really is no reason keeping mum there. And mum does not need a full-time maid who is there all the time, for she is still mobile and can do most things on her own.

Of course, she would have to change hospitals, but she wanted to do that anyways because she feels her main physician has in recent times been less courteous, especially as mum went to operate on her spine with a surgeon not on her main physician's recommendation. But that is just petty rivalry between big egos and mum does not need to get worse health care and attention just because of that...

The proposal to move sounds very tempting, and very assuring. Being surrounded by relatives (for that's what my sister-in-law's family are now...) has benefits in that mum can be less lonely, will have people she can interact with and help her if need be. And she will be much closer to the countryside, to the monastery She likes to visit, so she can go more regularly and be inspired and encouraged by the monk's teachings.  In Taipei, where she is now, there is her one or two close friends, who only come around once in a while. Otherwise, mum spends most of her time alone at home, watching tv or in front of te computer...she tells me she is frustrated and lonely, and I can see it, I can feel it...

It remains to be seen whether the plan will work out. "Move for yourself, only because you want to, not because you feel like it's best for my sake," I said to her. Part of me is afraid she is moving because she does not want me come back here to be with her, and that by moving I can be more assured she is surrounded by people who can care for her more and more often.

So it remains to be seen if it'll all work out. But I smiled at the proposal, and hopefully it will bring mum positive new changes and a new start in life.