Laughter

In laughter, you forget... In those moments when you laugh and let the comicality of life (and perhaps a few crude jokes), you let go and allow your mind to be seized by joy, fulfillment and that warm fuzzy feeling you hope will never end.

But it will end, and it does end. Life is not all joy and laughter, and who believes that joy and laughter will last is fooling himself.

And by the same token, life is not all tears or sadness, not all mourning and pain, and who lives that life is depriving himself of the beauties and miracles of this world and all it has to offer.

In those moments when you laugh and smile, you will forget, you will let go. And you will, as I did tonight, learn and realise, bit by bit life gets better as life moves on...

Tears

Hearing news of mum made me cry again...
It's been almost a week since I last did so.
But I could not help it.

Perhaps mum is peering over my shoulders and crying silently too... Crying, because she's seeing me cry...

 Crying because she's watching me sit here in my empty home on my own with tears rolling down my cheeks and typing frantically like a sad, sad madman... Perhaps she is trying to hand me a tissue, trying to hug me, hold me and rest her head against mine, but she cannot.

I suddenly had the urge tonight to call one of mum's best friend, someone who called her every single day for the last four years. Her husband is a spirit medium, and he said mum visited. She looked distraught and upset. "Was it because she  is thinking of you? Was it because she saw you were crying before? I don't know..."

The image of mum seeing me cry is so painful...
 I promised my mum I would be strong, but I am so weak, so tired, so full of pain and longing....

Please give me the strength to be strong again...
Please lift me up, and let me rise above the sadness and tears...

Sleeplessness

The first night is the hardest. A severe testing of the resolve of the heart, a challenge of my ability to let go and not let it affect me in any way.

But it must be done. Must be done or otherwise the drama and constants source of imbalance and hurt, jealousy and being made to feel like I deserve to be treated like a weakling and a fool, will not stop.

Sure, I still care about my ex. I still believe there is a potential between us to be wonderful, to have and to build on that something long and lasting. But not when he cannot let go-- either let go of me for a little while to realise what he really, truly needs in life, or let go of the relationship with his friend that has been a constant source of disagreement and tension between us for almost two years now. I know he is tired-- or at least that is what he told me. Tired to be caught in the middle between two people, tired of having to make time and be there for two different people. And he does not want to hurt either persons who seem to mean a lot to him. But he must decide. He must choose and be honest to himself and to the persons he ( claims he) cares about so deeply.

If my ex cannot let go, then I will go. I made this promise to myself over a year ago, but still I'm hanging around, still I feel like I'm been held back from really letting go by my ex's care and constant need to assure me and satisfy me.

If he really loves me so, if he really means what he says when he tells me/told me repeatedly he wants to be with me and be with me 100%, then a separation will make him realise what he really needs.

The separation will really be the test of our friendship/relationship, will once and for all prove how deeply we need one another, how deeply we are really meant for one another.

Calling brother

I had trouble keeping my eyes dry. Brother noticed I shared some inspirational articles on Facebook about griefing and dealing with loss. He asked what was wrong.

I can not really describe it. Just heaviness, just sadness, just longing for love I'm not really getting (or perhaps not getting from the way I want to...). I know it's all a mental state of mind, and that I am the one in control of my emotions and feelings. But still it's hard to move on when I go home and face the house alone. It's hard to keep the thoughts and creeping images at bay...

"Don't think too much. Do things to distract yourself..." Brother advised me. It was brief how he consoled me. He admitted to me he still feels loss and longing too.

Then he quickly moved onto his family, and for a good ten minutes told me about his plans to buy a bigger house in the future. He's been looking already. Six bedrooms, a large garden and close to my nephew's future school.

There is the difference perhaps. He goes home and has a wife and kid to return to (not to mention the cat...) At a moment as this, perhaps human intimacy and physical contact is what one needs most of all. I need it to affirm that I am not dead, that I still am alive and capable of giving warmth and affection. I need human contact and intimacy to feel safe and temporarily fulfill a deep void inside. This is something perhaps friends cannot understand. The longing for intimacy and love, for a meaningful and lasting relationship is stronger than ever before. This is not to say that I do not appreciate the encouragements and advice of friends who do care, but really having a closeness with one person in particular, with someone I do not feel conflicted in talking to, with someone who will make me feel like I really matter and not just a "case" to deal with, is so important.

Brother told me again to try not think too much, to focus attention and energies else where. I try. I will try harder. I smiled at him, glad to see he's doing alright. Glad to hear that my nephew has grown much bigger and taller, and that he got a new toy-- a multistory carpark. I smiled at seeing my old cat run across the living room where I spent many nights on my own, sometimes even sleeping on the floor because I just felt like it... I was sixteen, seventeen then. I am tenets eight now.

I will be strong and stronger one day. One day I will heal, and i will be beautiful. Beautiful again.

Reaffirmation

Nobody can let your feel worthless except for yourself.
 Nobody can know the true extent of your thoughts and feelings, except for yourself.
 If you are misunderstood, smile and walk away.
If you are criticised, smile and let the words wash over you like rain.
 If you are praised, smile and thank the person for the compliment.

Surround myself with people who can help you, who can make you feel stronger, who can see through the pain and know that with time and patience, I will grow out of withdrawing and grow into the strong person I have been.

Surround myself with people who care and love you, and who will not easily put you down.
Now, more than ever before, I need love. Love, love, love...

And now more than at anytime in my life, I need to be strong, be brave and tell myself again and again, I will be ok.
Now, more than at anytime, I need to prove to my loved ones that I can make it on my own, and that I can get up and stand up strong and tall.

Now, more than at anytime, I need to remind myself of the beauty and goodness inside, I need to forgive myself and not be so harsh to myself. I need to love myself, to care for myself. I need to look at myself and be able to smile, smile, smile again.

Sunset

Autumn nightfall, crickets chirping quietly, the sun setting.
It's so peacefully, so still, so beautiful... For a moment I could almost forget the sadness and pain lingering inside. For a moment, I was free from tears and memories of mum and our ordeals at the hospital.

After a long weekend being surrounded by friends, being around my ex, I am afraid of going home...

I am afraid of the silence, and my own thoughts when I am still. I am afraid of crying...

Waiting

Wait no more.

Life must go on. I must move on.