Sleeplessness

The first night is the hardest. A severe testing of the resolve of the heart, a challenge of my ability to let go and not let it affect me in any way.

But it must be done. Must be done or otherwise the drama and constants source of imbalance and hurt, jealousy and being made to feel like I deserve to be treated like a weakling and a fool, will not stop.

Sure, I still care about my ex. I still believe there is a potential between us to be wonderful, to have and to build on that something long and lasting. But not when he cannot let go-- either let go of me for a little while to realise what he really, truly needs in life, or let go of the relationship with his friend that has been a constant source of disagreement and tension between us for almost two years now. I know he is tired-- or at least that is what he told me. Tired to be caught in the middle between two people, tired of having to make time and be there for two different people. And he does not want to hurt either persons who seem to mean a lot to him. But he must decide. He must choose and be honest to himself and to the persons he ( claims he) cares about so deeply.

If my ex cannot let go, then I will go. I made this promise to myself over a year ago, but still I'm hanging around, still I feel like I'm been held back from really letting go by my ex's care and constant need to assure me and satisfy me.

If he really loves me so, if he really means what he says when he tells me/told me repeatedly he wants to be with me and be with me 100%, then a separation will make him realise what he really needs.

The separation will really be the test of our friendship/relationship, will once and for all prove how deeply we need one another, how deeply we are really meant for one another.