8 visits to the CyberKnife surgeon, over 100 visits to the oncologist, mum's main physician, over 60 visits to the neurosurgeon...
Records do not lie. They reveal the unbelievable extent of mum's visits to the hospital in the course of the last six years. Brother went to the two hospitals where mum received her treatments to collect all the documentation necessary to file insurance claims. And the records prove that over the span of six years, mum has undergone such an ordeal. Her will has been so strong, she has been so brave, but the cancer is stronger. Too strong and now she is much weakened and close to defeat...
In and out, in and out, and in recent months more time has been spent in the hospital than outside of it. Appointments, checkups, indices, scans, blood tests, consultations filled with hope of treatment, and consultations filled with dreadful diagnoses and expectations of the worst to come. It has been such a long, long and difficult journey. One that mum embarked mostly on her own.
And it is perhaps coming to an end now that the hospice agreement has been signed. From now on, it is just a matter of treating the symptoms, soothing pain and reducing suffering.
02 June 2012
Shopping
Was walking around a department store with a friend, and I wandered in the corridors. I came the the women's section, and a sight stopped me in my thoughts.
I saw mum standing there in my mind, browsing through the racks. I used to watch her do that as a child. Not that I loved the experience, but it was not a painful experience. But we spent many hours shopping or just walking around the stores, me playing or hiding between the clothes as mum shopped.
Last year, when mum came to visit, I took her to the same department store, and we walked around for a while. She was looking for a summer dress to wear to a dinner with all my friends in montreal. I saw that scene just now, saw her standing there, saw myself watching her as she picked out her dress.
But it's all in my mind, all in my memories... What saddened me the most is that it is almost certain now there will no longer be an opportunity when I can go shopping with mum again.
I saw mum standing there in my mind, browsing through the racks. I used to watch her do that as a child. Not that I loved the experience, but it was not a painful experience. But we spent many hours shopping or just walking around the stores, me playing or hiding between the clothes as mum shopped.
Last year, when mum came to visit, I took her to the same department store, and we walked around for a while. She was looking for a summer dress to wear to a dinner with all my friends in montreal. I saw that scene just now, saw her standing there, saw myself watching her as she picked out her dress.
But it's all in my mind, all in my memories... What saddened me the most is that it is almost certain now there will no longer be an opportunity when I can go shopping with mum again.
01 June 2012
Going to the market
I called mum and she was on her way to the market. For a bit of fresh air, but also to see what there is to buy. The new carer, as kind and patient as she is, does not really know what to buy or cook.
"Can you stand and walk nowadays?" I asked.
"It's hard. I can't stand stably. I have very little strength..."
I can just imagine her so weak and slumped in her wheelchair.
"Don't come back here," she suddenly said, "Stay for a while, there's no place to stay as the house is very crowded." she told me to go back only at the end of the month. "When brother is gone..."
I don't think mum has any idea that brother is staying on till... I don't think she knows how afraid he is to leave mum's side.
"It's such a big burden for him to be here and not working..."
"Don't think too much, mama. Don't think too much. There is no burden."
"Can you stand and walk nowadays?" I asked.
"It's hard. I can't stand stably. I have very little strength..."
I can just imagine her so weak and slumped in her wheelchair.
"Don't come back here," she suddenly said, "Stay for a while, there's no place to stay as the house is very crowded." she told me to go back only at the end of the month. "When brother is gone..."
I don't think mum has any idea that brother is staying on till... I don't think she knows how afraid he is to leave mum's side.
"It's such a big burden for him to be here and not working..."
"Don't think too much, mama. Don't think too much. There is no burden."
Moved on
A friend had me over at his place for dinner with him and his mum. I've always enjoyed evenings with them, for it gives me a deep sense of belonging and family. And the food is wonderful.
The mother is really like a mother: caring, wise, understanding and opinionated. She was a bit distant in the beginning and only later did I know why when she revealed the reason.
Last time I was there, I was torn and distraught, broken because my ex was actively pursuing someone else. She reminded me then to be strong and that I'd get out of it, and she said she hopes when she sees me next, I'll be better off, stronger, and come out from this all having learnt something.
I did not disappoint her. One week has gone since I went to see my ex. We has fun and great times biking, we slept with one another. But it felt empty, like something is missing. I did not feel comfortable in his arms when I cried. Only on the last night before I was leaving did we seriously talk about things and where he is.
He broke down and cried and cried, said how difficult life has been without me all these months. He said he misses me so much, he loves me and has always loved me. He said he'll "fix" things. He admitted he was in a relationship with the other boy because it was comforting and an escape. He could not tell things to the other guy he told me. From friends I heard it was just a convenient relationship because the other guy is so much younger, and my ex seems to pay for everything. Whatever it is, if my ex and his new boyfriend is happy with the arrangement, who is to judge?
My ex had months to "fix" things. He chose not to because he's afraid to break the other guy's heart. He chose not to because the guy had final exams. That already was a revealing sign of his honesty and test of how true he claims his feelings are for me. If you truly, truly love someone, if you truly truly care about someone, would you not give up every thing and prove your commitment? And since I came back, my ex has slept with me, been around me, but he does not dare let the other guy know. I feel like I am the mistress. I feel a repeated pattern here, of pretence, of hiding and of being dishonest because my ex is top afraid to face things seems content to just let things linger and linger. Mutual friends of ours are so disgusted by my ex's behaviour, are so uncomfortable when my ex brings his new boyfriend to social gatherings, but they say nothing. What is there to say when the behaviour is expected?
I had my answer from the weekend I had with my ex. It was fun, it was reliving past memories of biking together and being so carefree with one another. But it was not as deep, it was different. Is it me? Have I changed? Have I weaned off from wing dependent on my ex?
He says he still feels something, but again I see no change in our situation. I came back here, back into his life, but who am I now? Who am I but a disturbance in the relationship he has built and settled for in my absence? As when I leave to go in around ten days time, what will have changed? Nothing. It will be as if I was never here. I told him to let me go, to put all the things I've given him in the past, in the cupboard, throw them out if he has to. He cried and screamed "Never! Never!"
Never, never, but he has done nothing, nothing at all to make me believe him, make him trust him and feel like there can still be a future with him. All we've done since my return is have fun and pretend as if there is no issue to deal with. All he has done is repeatedly say he loves me so, misses me so much, kissed me passionately on the lips like he's never done before. But he's still in a relationship. Still hiding, still pretending everything is alright.
"I will be moving on now..." was the note I left in my ex's apartment the other day. He can refuse to let me go, he can still be stuck in his relationship and pander after me, but the choice was all his to make, and I removed myself from his life, from his relationship and wished him happiness and lasting love. As far as I am concerned, there is no more future. My ex had me, but he lost me. And I have tried to move on. And I am succeeding.
"It's good to see you have grown stronger and moved on. I am proud of you!" my friend's mum said.
There comes a point when you realise what is important, especially in the face of losing someone so dear to your life. And I realise that. It is a shame that my ex does not...
Long talk
300512.1121
I woke up, and it was already past ten in the morning. The longest and uninterrupted sleep I've had in weeks. The stress of dealing with my passport seems to have subsided, especially after the immigration officer at the Taiwanese "embassy" said there's nothing I have to really worry about regarding military service, since I left the country well before the military service age (15 is the cut off date). I have my visa, one for three months, and now it's just a matter of boarding a flight.
And which one and when is the big question. Mum did not go to ER the other day when she was feeling unwell. She did not want to go through the noise and trouble of the hospital. Instead, they just went to a clinic for iv drips, and she said (said...) she felt better.
Her condition remains unstable, and brother told me frankly that it may not be long till...
He was upset that he called dozens of times when I was asleep, at 2AM, 6AM, 8AM... I didn't hear anything. To my surprise I saw six missed called when I finally did wake up, and I trembled as I dialled.
It was just a "drill". Even so, I trembled as I listened to brother remind me the importance of keeping my phone constantly next to me, next to my pillow at night, on my person etc, just in case. "Be on standby mode!" he said, "There may come a time when mum wants to talk to you, and it may be the last time. If you miss that chance, I don't know..."
"I know, I understand", I said. It would be devastating. Devastating. Like a traumatic trauma I must deal with for the rest of my life if I never had the chance to really say goodbye, either in person or on the phone.
Brother and I spoke for almost an hour again. He told me about further arrangements he had made, and about how the insurance company paid out a large sum of money to more than cover the medical costs over the last year or so. So financially there's nothing much to worry about. And he said he decided to stay on, to extend his sabbatical, which means it'll Br unpaid leave from July onwards. I assured him I will take care of whatever needs he has. There was an affirmation that we would be there for another whatever comes. It is important for us, as siblings to make this bond before our last remaining passes on. And it is also important for mum to see, so close to the end of her life, that we are reconciling, and that we can work together and understand one another to deal with the most difficult and challenging things in life...
Three of mum's closest friends, together with a lawyer, came by today to redraft her will. Originally she intended to leave some for her youngest sister, but she's been a great disappoint over the past month or so. The sister promised me and my mum that she would come up to be with her and cook for her as soon as mum left the hospital, so mum can restore her health. Nobody has heard from my aunt since I left at the beginning of May. The will also has to be redrafted so that the siblings cannot squabble over her pension, which can only go to nationals of the country-- which we the children are not.
Brother said the hospice nurse will come visit next week now that the hospice agreement has finally gone through. We now know for sure that it was my aunt (mum's brother's wife) who cancelled the instruction for hospice care. And the other day when my brother asked her about it, her response was "Was that necessary?" The hospice nurse confirmed it. It is a very disappointing revelation.
The long talk ended. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I cried again. Cried myself to sleep. When I woke up less than half an hour later the sadness subsided.
Time to smile. Nobody has to know that I cried. Nobody except my stuffed animals and maybe my cat who lay lay feet and who probably wondered why I was sobbing close to her...
I woke up, and it was already past ten in the morning. The longest and uninterrupted sleep I've had in weeks. The stress of dealing with my passport seems to have subsided, especially after the immigration officer at the Taiwanese "embassy" said there's nothing I have to really worry about regarding military service, since I left the country well before the military service age (15 is the cut off date). I have my visa, one for three months, and now it's just a matter of boarding a flight.
And which one and when is the big question. Mum did not go to ER the other day when she was feeling unwell. She did not want to go through the noise and trouble of the hospital. Instead, they just went to a clinic for iv drips, and she said (said...) she felt better.
Her condition remains unstable, and brother told me frankly that it may not be long till...
He was upset that he called dozens of times when I was asleep, at 2AM, 6AM, 8AM... I didn't hear anything. To my surprise I saw six missed called when I finally did wake up, and I trembled as I dialled.
It was just a "drill". Even so, I trembled as I listened to brother remind me the importance of keeping my phone constantly next to me, next to my pillow at night, on my person etc, just in case. "Be on standby mode!" he said, "There may come a time when mum wants to talk to you, and it may be the last time. If you miss that chance, I don't know..."
"I know, I understand", I said. It would be devastating. Devastating. Like a traumatic trauma I must deal with for the rest of my life if I never had the chance to really say goodbye, either in person or on the phone.
Brother and I spoke for almost an hour again. He told me about further arrangements he had made, and about how the insurance company paid out a large sum of money to more than cover the medical costs over the last year or so. So financially there's nothing much to worry about. And he said he decided to stay on, to extend his sabbatical, which means it'll Br unpaid leave from July onwards. I assured him I will take care of whatever needs he has. There was an affirmation that we would be there for another whatever comes. It is important for us, as siblings to make this bond before our last remaining passes on. And it is also important for mum to see, so close to the end of her life, that we are reconciling, and that we can work together and understand one another to deal with the most difficult and challenging things in life...
Three of mum's closest friends, together with a lawyer, came by today to redraft her will. Originally she intended to leave some for her youngest sister, but she's been a great disappoint over the past month or so. The sister promised me and my mum that she would come up to be with her and cook for her as soon as mum left the hospital, so mum can restore her health. Nobody has heard from my aunt since I left at the beginning of May. The will also has to be redrafted so that the siblings cannot squabble over her pension, which can only go to nationals of the country-- which we the children are not.
Brother said the hospice nurse will come visit next week now that the hospice agreement has finally gone through. We now know for sure that it was my aunt (mum's brother's wife) who cancelled the instruction for hospice care. And the other day when my brother asked her about it, her response was "Was that necessary?" The hospice nurse confirmed it. It is a very disappointing revelation.
The long talk ended. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I cried again. Cried myself to sleep. When I woke up less than half an hour later the sadness subsided.
Time to smile. Nobody has to know that I cried. Nobody except my stuffed animals and maybe my cat who lay lay feet and who probably wondered why I was sobbing close to her...
31 May 2012
Wishing well
I'm so terribly distraught right now, a push, a slight impact can trigger the tears I'm holding back so forcefully. It's not a pretty sight to cry in broad public, right inside a museum...
I saw a wishing well, and normally I don't do it, but right now anything, any semblance of comfort or hope or blind faith seems to offer a temporary taste of refuge from the broken and fragile state of my mind and wrenching heart.
I threw in two coins... One wishing I can successfully return to mum's side at this critical juncture of her life... Two wishing I can leave the country without problems or complications, for I really need to have the freedom to develop and thrive and find myself after all that I'm going through and about to go through. The prospect of military service will crush my soul and break me mentally... And I am not sure I will recover again...
May my wishes come true.
I saw a wishing well, and normally I don't do it, but right now anything, any semblance of comfort or hope or blind faith seems to offer a temporary taste of refuge from the broken and fragile state of my mind and wrenching heart.
I threw in two coins... One wishing I can successfully return to mum's side at this critical juncture of her life... Two wishing I can leave the country without problems or complications, for I really need to have the freedom to develop and thrive and find myself after all that I'm going through and about to go through. The prospect of military service will crush my soul and break me mentally... And I am not sure I will recover again...
May my wishes come true.
DVDs
I saw it at the museum gift shop, and I had this urge to buy it. A collection of DVDs about Canada... Victoria, Vancouver, Nova Scotia, the Rockies, Toronto, Niagara Falls, Quebec City... All places that mum has been, mostly with me, some trips on her own when mum travelled with a friend of hers on tour.
Why did I want to buy this? I saw in my mind mum watching the DVDs, enjoying and reliving the memories of her trips around this amazing and beautiful nation on her bed.
Yes, it's a gruesome thought, but I mean it well... Lying there on the brink of life and death, is there anything more soothing, more comfortable than seeing the nature and wonders of Canada and seeing the places she has been before?
I hope soon I will be able to watch the clips with mum, and that we can smile...
Why did I want to buy this? I saw in my mind mum watching the DVDs, enjoying and reliving the memories of her trips around this amazing and beautiful nation on her bed.
Yes, it's a gruesome thought, but I mean it well... Lying there on the brink of life and death, is there anything more soothing, more comfortable than seeing the nature and wonders of Canada and seeing the places she has been before?
I hope soon I will be able to watch the clips with mum, and that we can smile...
Unwell
Brother suddenly called me in the evening (morning Taiwan time).
"I don't want to scare you..." he said, "And please don't worry or think too much, but mum said she wants to go the hospital."
Mum dislikes the hospital... She could hardly wait to get out of there. But today for the first time, she requested to return. I asked to speak to her.
"I just feel very weak, like there's no energy..." she mumbled. I struggled to hear her clearly. My heart pounded like it did almost five months ago, when I got "The Call". I began trembling. At that moment my friend dropped by. I had asked her to come by because I needed her help printing documents I need to apply for a visa home.
"please don't rush here... Stay where you are for a bit longer. You've been flying around too much. No need to "chia bua bing"" Meaning "turning the place upside down", or making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I spoke to mum a little more, but she was getting dressed to go. Brother took over the phone and tried to reassure me more. But I was beyond reassuring. I trembled and shook, even though I said I'd go sleep. I did not.
Not much later, I was holding our family portrait and sobbing heavily again. My friend placed an arm around me and tried to comfort me. I was beyond comforting, and sobbed even more. I felt the saltiness of my tears in the corner of my lips. I felt the snot run down my nose. I was distraught, anxious, petrified. I was so far, far away... I folded my arms before me and clenched my fists. I held myself tightly, for it was the closest way i could console myself. Eventually I stopped crying. And soon began to joke and laugh with my friend as she hugged me tightly that I must smell really bad because I've not had the time to shower since my long bike ride today. She said I smell no more different than before, which could be a compliment, or insult. That's why it was funny. That broke my flow of tears And made me smile.
"I can still smile, right? Smile and laugh?" I asked.
"Yes, you can," she said as she stroked my shoulders. And that's an amazing ability in the face of everything.
It is so painfully hard, gruellingly difficult these moments of unknown, these sudden phone calls that leave me gasping for breath and for sanity. But one day it will be all over...
One day it will all be over...
"I don't want to scare you..." he said, "And please don't worry or think too much, but mum said she wants to go the hospital."
Mum dislikes the hospital... She could hardly wait to get out of there. But today for the first time, she requested to return. I asked to speak to her.
"I just feel very weak, like there's no energy..." she mumbled. I struggled to hear her clearly. My heart pounded like it did almost five months ago, when I got "The Call". I began trembling. At that moment my friend dropped by. I had asked her to come by because I needed her help printing documents I need to apply for a visa home.
"please don't rush here... Stay where you are for a bit longer. You've been flying around too much. No need to "chia bua bing"" Meaning "turning the place upside down", or making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I spoke to mum a little more, but she was getting dressed to go. Brother took over the phone and tried to reassure me more. But I was beyond reassuring. I trembled and shook, even though I said I'd go sleep. I did not.
Not much later, I was holding our family portrait and sobbing heavily again. My friend placed an arm around me and tried to comfort me. I was beyond comforting, and sobbed even more. I felt the saltiness of my tears in the corner of my lips. I felt the snot run down my nose. I was distraught, anxious, petrified. I was so far, far away... I folded my arms before me and clenched my fists. I held myself tightly, for it was the closest way i could console myself. Eventually I stopped crying. And soon began to joke and laugh with my friend as she hugged me tightly that I must smell really bad because I've not had the time to shower since my long bike ride today. She said I smell no more different than before, which could be a compliment, or insult. That's why it was funny. That broke my flow of tears And made me smile.
"I can still smile, right? Smile and laugh?" I asked.
"Yes, you can," she said as she stroked my shoulders. And that's an amazing ability in the face of everything.
It is so painfully hard, gruellingly difficult these moments of unknown, these sudden phone calls that leave me gasping for breath and for sanity. But one day it will be all over...
One day it will all be over...
Mother bear
While waiting for my visa to be processed I decided to go to the canadian civilisation museum and watch an IMAX movie. It was about the arctic, and how global warming is affecting the polar bears.
The story follows the journey of a mother and her two cubs. So majestic, so elegant and beautiful... Like all mothers, she leads her children to survival, breastfeeds them, protects them from all dangers, and is willing to sacrifice her own life for that of her offspring. The way they cuddle, the way the mother plays with her young, the way she goes hunting for food and brings it home for the cubs to eat. It's love... Universal motherly love and compassion, motherly kindness and care...
I can't believe I started crying there and then. Not just once, buy several times throughout the movie. I could not be think of my own mother, how she has nursed me, nurtured me, raised me and (together with dad...) given me so much (and more) so that I will stand on my own feet one day.
I heart wrenches from the emotions of loss and pain, a strange feeling for she is still around, she is still alive, and I speak to her everyday. But I know, I know mum is leaving me soon...
And soon I must stand on my own feet... How can I keep from crying...?
The story follows the journey of a mother and her two cubs. So majestic, so elegant and beautiful... Like all mothers, she leads her children to survival, breastfeeds them, protects them from all dangers, and is willing to sacrifice her own life for that of her offspring. The way they cuddle, the way the mother plays with her young, the way she goes hunting for food and brings it home for the cubs to eat. It's love... Universal motherly love and compassion, motherly kindness and care...
I can't believe I started crying there and then. Not just once, buy several times throughout the movie. I could not be think of my own mother, how she has nursed me, nurtured me, raised me and (together with dad...) given me so much (and more) so that I will stand on my own feet one day.
I heart wrenches from the emotions of loss and pain, a strange feeling for she is still around, she is still alive, and I speak to her everyday. But I know, I know mum is leaving me soon...
And soon I must stand on my own feet... How can I keep from crying...?
Unwell
Brother suddenly called me in the evening (morning Taiwan time).
"I don't want to scare you..." he said, "And please don't worry or think too much, but mum said she wants to go the hospital."
Mum dislikes the hospital... She could hardly wait to get out of there. But today for the first time, she requested to return. I asked to speak to her.
"I just feel very weak, like there's no energy..." she mumbled. I struggled to hear her clearly. My heart pounded like it did almost five months ago, when I got "The Call". I began trembling. At that moment my friend dropped by. I had asked her to come by because I needed her help printing documents I need to apply for a visa home.
"please don't rush here... Stay where you are for a bit longer. You've been flying around too much. No need to "chia bua bing"" Meaning "turning the place upside down", or making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I spoke to mum a little more, but she was getting dressed to go. Brother took over the phone and tried to reassure me more. But I was beyond reassuring. I trembled and shook, even though I said I'd go sleep. I did not.
Not much later, I was holding our family portrait and sobbing heavily again. My friend placed an arm around me and tried to comfort me. I was beyond comforting, and sobbed even more. I felt the saltiness of my tears in the corner of my lips. I felt the snot run down my nose. I was distraught, anxious, petrified. I was so far, far away... I folded my arms before me and clenched my fists. I held myself tightly, for it was the closest way i could console myself. Eventually I stopped crying. And soon began to joke and laugh with my friend as she hugged me tightly that I must smell really bad because I've not had the time to shower since my long bike ride today. She said I smell no more different than before, which could be a compliment, or insult. That's why it was funny. That broke my flow of tears And made me smile.
"I can still smile, right? Smile and laugh?" I asked.
"Yes, you can," she said as she stroked my shoulders. And that's an amazing ability in the face of everything.
It is so painfully hard, gruellingly difficult these moments of unknown, these sudden phone calls that leave me gasping for breath and for sanity. But one day it will be all over...
One day it will all be over...
"I don't want to scare you..." he said, "And please don't worry or think too much, but mum said she wants to go the hospital."
Mum dislikes the hospital... She could hardly wait to get out of there. But today for the first time, she requested to return. I asked to speak to her.
"I just feel very weak, like there's no energy..." she mumbled. I struggled to hear her clearly. My heart pounded like it did almost five months ago, when I got "The Call". I began trembling. At that moment my friend dropped by. I had asked her to come by because I needed her help printing documents I need to apply for a visa home.
"please don't rush here... Stay where you are for a bit longer. You've been flying around too much. No need to "chia bua bing"" Meaning "turning the place upside down", or making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I spoke to mum a little more, but she was getting dressed to go. Brother took over the phone and tried to reassure me more. But I was beyond reassuring. I trembled and shook, even though I said I'd go sleep. I did not.
Not much later, I was holding our family portrait and sobbing heavily again. My friend placed an arm around me and tried to comfort me. I was beyond comforting, and sobbed even more. I felt the saltiness of my tears in the corner of my lips. I felt the snot run down my nose. I was distraught, anxious, petrified. I was so far, far away... I folded my arms before me and clenched my fists. I held myself tightly, for it was the closest way i could console myself. Eventually I stopped crying. And soon began to joke and laugh with my friend as she hugged me tightly that I must smell really bad because I've not had the time to shower since my long bike ride today. She said I smell no more different than before, which could be a compliment, or insult. That's why it was funny. That broke my flow of tears And made me smile.
"I can still smile, right? Smile and laugh?" I asked.
"Yes, you can," she said as she stroked my shoulders. And that's an amazing ability in the face of everything.
It is so painfully hard, gruellingly difficult these moments of unknown, these sudden phone calls that leave me gasping for breath and for sanity. But one day it will be all over...
One day it will all be over...
30 May 2012
Chocolates
I saw a box of chocolates at a store. The chocolates were being sold as part of a fundraising campaign. I already have bags of chocolates at home, accumulated from a recent spree to collect air miles. But upon closer look I did not hesitate again to make a donation and grab a box of chocolate coated almonds.
The campaign was for the Quebec foundation for the handicapped, and with pictures of wheelchairs, I imagine it is to raise funds to buy new equipment. The image of mum sitting in a wheelchair crossed my mind... I pushed her around in a wheelchair for a while, because she was at times simply too weak to stand on her two feet. Now she has become even weaker, and I can only imagine that wherever she goes, she goes in a wheelchair.
I have perhaps till now neglected how hard it is for wheelchair users to get around. Once, feeling playful, I sat in mum's wheelchair and tried to wheel myself around for ten minutes against the uneven pavement, the bumpy road surfaces, and the gradient slope of a hill. It was so very difficult. And from that day on I realised what obstacles wheelchair users face every day...
I put in a little contribution, for wheelchair users, for mum.
The campaign was for the Quebec foundation for the handicapped, and with pictures of wheelchairs, I imagine it is to raise funds to buy new equipment. The image of mum sitting in a wheelchair crossed my mind... I pushed her around in a wheelchair for a while, because she was at times simply too weak to stand on her two feet. Now she has become even weaker, and I can only imagine that wherever she goes, she goes in a wheelchair.I have perhaps till now neglected how hard it is for wheelchair users to get around. Once, feeling playful, I sat in mum's wheelchair and tried to wheel myself around for ten minutes against the uneven pavement, the bumpy road surfaces, and the gradient slope of a hill. It was so very difficult. And from that day on I realised what obstacles wheelchair users face every day...
I put in a little contribution, for wheelchair users, for mum.
Sleep well...
I was talking to brother about the ever-growing problem regarding my visa to return home, when mum woke up. It was one in the morning her time. I thought as she was up, might as well speak to her a bit.
She was in bed, and said she didn't really sleep at all. Restless, lying around and thinking... Perhaps like me last night. I did sleep till after four in the morning, after crying and listening to dharmma talks online. Perhaps mum is worried about my visa status, and yesterday when I spoke to her, she said she felt guilty for causing me so much "trouble". She told me not to go home again, but that is completely out of the question. How can I not go home and see my mother one last time? How could I ever live with myself if she were to move on without seeing me and without me by her side...? The pain would be so immense it would forever change my life...
Mum said she was hungry, and wanted so warm soya drink. She had difficulty propping up the pad, perhaps because it was too heavy for her now, so I could only see a corner of her face. She looked so painfully, painfully thin. Bone and skin, bulging eye socket and sunken cheek bones. But she is my mother, still my beautiful, beautiful mother... And I love her so, I care about her so, whatever she looks like.
"I didn't really eat much today. Not feeling like I have an appetite..." she said. I told her she should still eat a bit, eat whatever she can, eat many meals spread out over the day. As I said that, I felt I was being hypocritical, and I cried. She did not see that. Hypocritical, because I too have been eating very little, I too have lost my appetite. In fact, I feel like throwing up when I eat, and that is very severe.
"OK, go eat something, and rest. Listen to some music to relax. Don't think too much..." I said. I just remembered now that if I were there, I would add a put a few drops of lavender scented oil around her pillow. She always loves that smell, that soothing, calming smell. And she usually is able to fall asleep quicker being surrounded by that scent.
"Goodnight, mama... Sleep well," I wished her.
She was in bed, and said she didn't really sleep at all. Restless, lying around and thinking... Perhaps like me last night. I did sleep till after four in the morning, after crying and listening to dharmma talks online. Perhaps mum is worried about my visa status, and yesterday when I spoke to her, she said she felt guilty for causing me so much "trouble". She told me not to go home again, but that is completely out of the question. How can I not go home and see my mother one last time? How could I ever live with myself if she were to move on without seeing me and without me by her side...? The pain would be so immense it would forever change my life...
Mum said she was hungry, and wanted so warm soya drink. She had difficulty propping up the pad, perhaps because it was too heavy for her now, so I could only see a corner of her face. She looked so painfully, painfully thin. Bone and skin, bulging eye socket and sunken cheek bones. But she is my mother, still my beautiful, beautiful mother... And I love her so, I care about her so, whatever she looks like.
"I didn't really eat much today. Not feeling like I have an appetite..." she said. I told her she should still eat a bit, eat whatever she can, eat many meals spread out over the day. As I said that, I felt I was being hypocritical, and I cried. She did not see that. Hypocritical, because I too have been eating very little, I too have lost my appetite. In fact, I feel like throwing up when I eat, and that is very severe.
"OK, go eat something, and rest. Listen to some music to relax. Don't think too much..." I said. I just remembered now that if I were there, I would add a put a few drops of lavender scented oil around her pillow. She always loves that smell, that soothing, calming smell. And she usually is able to fall asleep quicker being surrounded by that scent.
"Goodnight, mama... Sleep well," I wished her.
Sleepless night
More tears, more crying...
It has become almost a nightly affair.
Just tears, flowing incessantly. Tears of fear, tears of caused by such deep hurt and deep deep disappointment and frustrations. Nothing, not even meditation or attempts to drown myself with drink can calm me down... No one, not even my friend's words of encouragements can console me enough to allow me to fall asleep after leaving me for the night.
Please, tears, please stop.
Please stop these painful tears from falling...
It has become almost a nightly affair.
Just tears, flowing incessantly. Tears of fear, tears of caused by such deep hurt and deep deep disappointment and frustrations. Nothing, not even meditation or attempts to drown myself with drink can calm me down... No one, not even my friend's words of encouragements can console me enough to allow me to fall asleep after leaving me for the night.
Please, tears, please stop.
Please stop these painful tears from falling...
29 May 2012
Lament
I am just trying to find a way in life,
I am just trying to deal with unexpected hurdles thrown at me and trying to make the most of things...
And yet it is just setback after setback, obstacle after obstacle, heartbreak and pain after disappointments and frustrations.
Nothing ever goes according to plan,
Nothing ever is simple.
This is life.
I am just trying to deal with unexpected hurdles thrown at me and trying to make the most of things...
And yet it is just setback after setback, obstacle after obstacle, heartbreak and pain after disappointments and frustrations.
Nothing ever goes according to plan,
Nothing ever is simple.
This is life.
28 May 2012
Dear mother...
I saw mum on skype today. I asked to. Was I prepared to? I don't
know. The first image stunned me. That is my mother. My own dear mother on that
screen... The same mother who raised me, who cleaned up after me, who scolded me when I was naughty, who stroked my head when I was good... the same mother who I cleaned up after until a few weeks ago, whom I scolded because I was frustrated and did not know how to deal with my emotions, the same mother whose skin I massaged in attempts to take away her physical pain, take away her emotional pain...
I cannot believe how thin she has become.
Her arm was just bone. It was not an arm, just a bone with yellowish skin. Her eyes bulged, her cheeks sunk deep into her skeletal structure. And yet she spoke like my mother, like the mother I have always known, like the mother I will also love and treasure no matter what... No matter how the cancer eats her up and no matter how the cancer finishes her off.
Dear mother, how seeing you is making me cry. How seeing you in this state is making me cry so much, even though I thought I was all cried out...
I cannot believe how thin she has become.
Her arm was just bone. It was not an arm, just a bone with yellowish skin. Her eyes bulged, her cheeks sunk deep into her skeletal structure. And yet she spoke like my mother, like the mother I have always known, like the mother I will also love and treasure no matter what... No matter how the cancer eats her up and no matter how the cancer finishes her off.
Dear mother, how seeing you is making me cry. How seeing you in this state is making me cry so much, even though I thought I was all cried out...
The longest talk
"Mum won't last till the end of the year..." brother said. The words washed over me. The words normally would affect me, make me breakdown and cry, cry, cry, but I did not feel much. Perhaps since that night two nights ago, sitting on the edge of the great waterfalls, I have become all cried out. Perhaps the waterfall drew all the tears out of me, perhaps the falls shook out whatever sobbing and sorrow there is inside of me. I felt guilty for not feeling much when brother told me mum may not have long. And yet, i said to him: "But didn't we know this? Isn't it better for her if she is in so much discomfort?"
Why do I not feel much? Is it because I've been away from her too long? I've not see her, held her, touched her for the longest time, it feels like. Every time mum and I speak, it's so brief and so superficial. There really isn't that much to talk about. Her day consists of waking up, eating what little she can, and then resting, massages to keep the sores away, medication to numb the pains in her arm. And my day? I try to tell her happy things, what I'm doing here, try to tell her about my life. But at the same time I feel guilty telling her about my travels and "fun" life when she is more or less bed-bound. And I'm not going to go into any details about my ex and I, for she would just worry that I have no one at all in this world. And she gas told mr so many times her greatest fear is her leaving me before I found someone who can and is willing to be with me, take care of me, and give me the love and support I need in the future...
Brother said they went to her main physician today. He did nothing. There was nothing to be done. The inflammation of the pancreas cannot be treated, for she has to stop eating for the swelling to go down. And mum cannot afford to stop eating, especially given how little she eats. Besides, perhaps it's more than a mere inflammation. It's probably the cancer eating through, spreading.
And brother said he went to see the family doctor because the forms i signed and the arrangements I had made for hospice care went "missing". Nothing was ever processed, so the hospital has no record of mum's decision for hospice care and no notice of the DNR form she previously signed. Brother rectified this, and soon there will be a hospice care worker visiting mum at home every few days.
I suspect my aunts (mum's sister and mum's brother's wife...) has something to do with it, that perhaps in my absence they told the nurses and doctors to belay the orders. If that is the case, it is such a great and unacceptable interference in our lives and shows such disrespect for mum's wishes. It is her life, it is our own family affairs, so what gives them the right to veto a decision that was taken unanimously by members of my immediate family?
"Her friend said according to Taiwanese tradition, mum may not survive past the Dragon Boat Festival..." brother said. I'm not sure why that is, and what the explanation for the belief is. But thinking back, Dad did pass away the day before the new year... Dragon Boat Festival, that's in four week's time...
Mum has lost even more weight, and whatever she manages to eat now is probably just sustaining her vital functions. "When can you get back here? How long will it take you?" Brother asked
"Within twenty four hours. I can be there within 24hours..."
"I'll let you know at the very first instance. Do make a note of the times of flights so you are ready to board any time."
"I know. I already have."
I already have... I already know the flights times and connection possibilities. My credit card is permanently credited, my suitcase is standing by and ready. The next trip will be one final one, and there are things, special things I am preparing to take with me. Clothes, pictures, memorabilia... memories of mum's life, of my role in hers, of her role in mine. Most things are packed and standing by, more or less ready to leave at a moment's notice...
But there is only just my heart, my mind, my soul still needs to prepare and brace for that day, for that moment. And my god how weak and tattered my heart is right now... How much I need to work on my heart, my soul, my mind to calmly weather whatever is coming ahead...
Why do I not feel much? Is it because I've been away from her too long? I've not see her, held her, touched her for the longest time, it feels like. Every time mum and I speak, it's so brief and so superficial. There really isn't that much to talk about. Her day consists of waking up, eating what little she can, and then resting, massages to keep the sores away, medication to numb the pains in her arm. And my day? I try to tell her happy things, what I'm doing here, try to tell her about my life. But at the same time I feel guilty telling her about my travels and "fun" life when she is more or less bed-bound. And I'm not going to go into any details about my ex and I, for she would just worry that I have no one at all in this world. And she gas told mr so many times her greatest fear is her leaving me before I found someone who can and is willing to be with me, take care of me, and give me the love and support I need in the future...
Brother said they went to her main physician today. He did nothing. There was nothing to be done. The inflammation of the pancreas cannot be treated, for she has to stop eating for the swelling to go down. And mum cannot afford to stop eating, especially given how little she eats. Besides, perhaps it's more than a mere inflammation. It's probably the cancer eating through, spreading.
And brother said he went to see the family doctor because the forms i signed and the arrangements I had made for hospice care went "missing". Nothing was ever processed, so the hospital has no record of mum's decision for hospice care and no notice of the DNR form she previously signed. Brother rectified this, and soon there will be a hospice care worker visiting mum at home every few days.
I suspect my aunts (mum's sister and mum's brother's wife...) has something to do with it, that perhaps in my absence they told the nurses and doctors to belay the orders. If that is the case, it is such a great and unacceptable interference in our lives and shows such disrespect for mum's wishes. It is her life, it is our own family affairs, so what gives them the right to veto a decision that was taken unanimously by members of my immediate family?
"Her friend said according to Taiwanese tradition, mum may not survive past the Dragon Boat Festival..." brother said. I'm not sure why that is, and what the explanation for the belief is. But thinking back, Dad did pass away the day before the new year... Dragon Boat Festival, that's in four week's time...
Mum has lost even more weight, and whatever she manages to eat now is probably just sustaining her vital functions. "When can you get back here? How long will it take you?" Brother asked
"Within twenty four hours. I can be there within 24hours..."
"I'll let you know at the very first instance. Do make a note of the times of flights so you are ready to board any time."
"I know. I already have."
I already have... I already know the flights times and connection possibilities. My credit card is permanently credited, my suitcase is standing by and ready. The next trip will be one final one, and there are things, special things I am preparing to take with me. Clothes, pictures, memorabilia... memories of mum's life, of my role in hers, of her role in mine. Most things are packed and standing by, more or less ready to leave at a moment's notice...
But there is only just my heart, my mind, my soul still needs to prepare and brace for that day, for that moment. And my god how weak and tattered my heart is right now... How much I need to work on my heart, my soul, my mind to calmly weather whatever is coming ahead...
27 May 2012
Weekend together again
A beautiful day of biking with my ex, visiting the little town of Niagara on the Lake, where we had been together some three years ago. A wonderful bike ride, reliving many past moments we shared enjoying the freedom of cycling, and freedom from all sorts of stresses, tensions, unpleasantness and events and occurrences out of our control.
Came back to the hotel room. "I need to make a phone call." to the boyfriend. He told me to take a shower and wait for him to return.
How bizarre I felt, and I turned silent. I felt cheap, like a mistress on the side. That is who I am, right, as to my surprise my ex's boyfriend has no idea of where he is and who he is with. A most unfortunate set of circumstances, but who am I to judge? I told him so many times to talk to his boyfriend, to tell him the truth, but there's always something in the way, always a reason to delay telling the truth, always a reason to play with two people and toy with emotions.
What is so difficult, I wonder? He tells me he has never loved anyone like he does (or did?) me, so what is stopping him from ending a relationship that seems to be going nowhere? Comfort, "fun", not willing to break the other guy's heart? Or is the boyfriend just an escape, a distraction away from his new and apparently difficult working life in a big city where he knows no one?
Problems unsolved will only get worse and worse. My friends pity my ex's boyfriend, who seems to know nothing and seems to be in for a terrible heartbreak, who has no idea that my ex has been so lost and confused without me. Nobody pities my ex, because frankly he got himself into this situation, and he should have dealt with things long ago. He should have dealt with things and stopped pretending to have a relationship when he realised how he cannot seem to be without me in his life.
One last chance, one last opportunity for my ex to explain himself, for some clarification, because I owe him that much, and our special bond deserves that much. And then it's make or break.
Because I do not need this kind of mess in my life, I do not need old memories and uncertainties to drag me down and depress me. I need to liberate myself from feeling like an "aside", like just a thing to be toyed with.
I deserve much much more.
Came back to the hotel room. "I need to make a phone call." to the boyfriend. He told me to take a shower and wait for him to return.
How bizarre I felt, and I turned silent. I felt cheap, like a mistress on the side. That is who I am, right, as to my surprise my ex's boyfriend has no idea of where he is and who he is with. A most unfortunate set of circumstances, but who am I to judge? I told him so many times to talk to his boyfriend, to tell him the truth, but there's always something in the way, always a reason to delay telling the truth, always a reason to play with two people and toy with emotions.
What is so difficult, I wonder? He tells me he has never loved anyone like he does (or did?) me, so what is stopping him from ending a relationship that seems to be going nowhere? Comfort, "fun", not willing to break the other guy's heart? Or is the boyfriend just an escape, a distraction away from his new and apparently difficult working life in a big city where he knows no one?
Problems unsolved will only get worse and worse. My friends pity my ex's boyfriend, who seems to know nothing and seems to be in for a terrible heartbreak, who has no idea that my ex has been so lost and confused without me. Nobody pities my ex, because frankly he got himself into this situation, and he should have dealt with things long ago. He should have dealt with things and stopped pretending to have a relationship when he realised how he cannot seem to be without me in his life.
One last chance, one last opportunity for my ex to explain himself, for some clarification, because I owe him that much, and our special bond deserves that much. And then it's make or break.
Because I do not need this kind of mess in my life, I do not need old memories and uncertainties to drag me down and depress me. I need to liberate myself from feeling like an "aside", like just a thing to be toyed with.
I deserve much much more.
The Falls
I began howling, but the sound of water falling drowning my sorrow and pain. I cried tears long overdue, sobbed and shook energy that had long been suppressed and unreleased. I broke down, the first time since the start of mum's gradual deterioration of health.
It was seeing the falls. Even at night, even in the darkness, it was so powerful, so awing, so persisting. It was nature inspiring and goading broken and disappointed souls to safety and to comfort. The rush of the water was nature's way of dispelling all doubts and all fears. How can anything else really matter in the world compared to the immensity and sheer brute force of the water falling at such rapid speeds and with so much momentum?
What made me cry so much? The sounds, the deafening, constant sound of the water falling in the middle of the night. Falling into complete darkness, originating from complete darkness. The incessant sounds, incessant flow of water gushing and rushing over the precipice and naturally, fearlessly falling into the unknown.
What made me cry so much? The memories... memories of how eighteen years ago my entire family, my dad, mum, brother and I, stood (admittedly on the other, American, side of the falls) here and admired the water together. How much has changed throughout those seemingly carefree days... Who have I lost, and who am I about to lose? A heart-wrenching sense of loneliness choked my breath, and my breathing was made harder by my uncontrollable sobbing. All alone... All alone, standing there, crying. My ex gave me some space and walked away to lie down a little in the distance. Even he did not notice me howling and sobbing like I have rarely done. To think, that many years ago we were all together, and now I am here by myself...
There was some solace to be found in the fact that I managed to build up a life in the country I thought was so mysterious and foreign back then when I was just ten. Now, that great vast nation across the Niagara River is my home, and I made it (more or less) on my own. I made a whole new start after losing dad, and now on the verge of losing mum, I am consolidating my presence in Canada by submitting my application for Permanent Residence.
But the thought of building a home in Canada all own my own drowned me again in sadness and pain. I so wanted to share with dad the excitement I felt discovering this country... I so wanted mum to experience the beautiful scenery and bountiful berries and good quality of life after she retired. I know I am fortunate to have traveled with her extensively around this amazing country... But I so wanted her to come again, to visit again, to see me walk down the podium as I collect my degree in two weeks' time. I so much wanted mum to be proud of me, to see me thrive and be successful... to see me happy and settled...
The waters did not stop falling all the time these and so many other thoughts flooded my mind and erupted out of my eyes in the form of tears. I looked into the distance, at the colossal columns of water pouring down... and I felt so small, so insignificant. I could jump across the barrier and just vanish, and all my pains and sorrows would vanish too. I would never do that, of course, because how could I just give up my life when mum is struggling to hold onto hers? But the thought did cross my mind.
I began to walk off in a hurried pace. I was drunk from crying and stumbled. The tears clouded my vision and made me so dizzy. I stopped again on the side of the cliff and sat down on the rocky barrier. My ex followed me and was trying to comfort me. But I found little solace in my ex's arms, even though he tried hard to get me into them. Those arms belong to another, I can no longer find comfort and security in them, however sincere he offers them to me.
I took out my phone and began to dial home. I needed to speak to mum.
"Can you hear the waterfalls, mama?" I asked. I tried so hard to suppress the tears, I tried so hard not to whimper and not to let my voice betray my heavy tears and sobbing. Mum said she heard it.
"It's good you're taking time to travel. Relax, enjoy yourself. You have gone through so much..."
Those words drew out more tears, and I felt my face contort in pain. My voice was so powerless. I was unable to speak. "Remember... eighteen years ago we were all here... I miss you [all]. I miss you [all]..."
Mum said she was at this very place back in 2008, and that she stayed in a "tall tower". Was it the same hotel I was staying in? The knowledge that mum was there, that mum only recently also saw what I was seeing, was comforting and yet heart-wrenching. I felt the sprays of water cleanse my tired eyes and refresh my face.
And I stopped crying.
I cried what I needed to. The sorrow, the pent-up emotions, the pain, terrible pain of watching mum suffer and suffer even more all flooded out of me. And I felt lighter, more at ease, and the pain did not feel so painful after all...
I was numb. The water continuously fell, the sound of the water falling did not cease for a single moment. Nature seems to have such inspiring and invisible strength that last forever and forever.
But my emotions were temporary, like a summer storm that brews and brews until it is eventually released.
And afterwards the skies clear up again...
It was seeing the falls. Even at night, even in the darkness, it was so powerful, so awing, so persisting. It was nature inspiring and goading broken and disappointed souls to safety and to comfort. The rush of the water was nature's way of dispelling all doubts and all fears. How can anything else really matter in the world compared to the immensity and sheer brute force of the water falling at such rapid speeds and with so much momentum?
What made me cry so much? The sounds, the deafening, constant sound of the water falling in the middle of the night. Falling into complete darkness, originating from complete darkness. The incessant sounds, incessant flow of water gushing and rushing over the precipice and naturally, fearlessly falling into the unknown.
What made me cry so much? The memories... memories of how eighteen years ago my entire family, my dad, mum, brother and I, stood (admittedly on the other, American, side of the falls) here and admired the water together. How much has changed throughout those seemingly carefree days... Who have I lost, and who am I about to lose? A heart-wrenching sense of loneliness choked my breath, and my breathing was made harder by my uncontrollable sobbing. All alone... All alone, standing there, crying. My ex gave me some space and walked away to lie down a little in the distance. Even he did not notice me howling and sobbing like I have rarely done. To think, that many years ago we were all together, and now I am here by myself...
There was some solace to be found in the fact that I managed to build up a life in the country I thought was so mysterious and foreign back then when I was just ten. Now, that great vast nation across the Niagara River is my home, and I made it (more or less) on my own. I made a whole new start after losing dad, and now on the verge of losing mum, I am consolidating my presence in Canada by submitting my application for Permanent Residence.
But the thought of building a home in Canada all own my own drowned me again in sadness and pain. I so wanted to share with dad the excitement I felt discovering this country... I so wanted mum to experience the beautiful scenery and bountiful berries and good quality of life after she retired. I know I am fortunate to have traveled with her extensively around this amazing country... But I so wanted her to come again, to visit again, to see me walk down the podium as I collect my degree in two weeks' time. I so much wanted mum to be proud of me, to see me thrive and be successful... to see me happy and settled...
The waters did not stop falling all the time these and so many other thoughts flooded my mind and erupted out of my eyes in the form of tears. I looked into the distance, at the colossal columns of water pouring down... and I felt so small, so insignificant. I could jump across the barrier and just vanish, and all my pains and sorrows would vanish too. I would never do that, of course, because how could I just give up my life when mum is struggling to hold onto hers? But the thought did cross my mind.
I began to walk off in a hurried pace. I was drunk from crying and stumbled. The tears clouded my vision and made me so dizzy. I stopped again on the side of the cliff and sat down on the rocky barrier. My ex followed me and was trying to comfort me. But I found little solace in my ex's arms, even though he tried hard to get me into them. Those arms belong to another, I can no longer find comfort and security in them, however sincere he offers them to me.
I took out my phone and began to dial home. I needed to speak to mum.
"Can you hear the waterfalls, mama?" I asked. I tried so hard to suppress the tears, I tried so hard not to whimper and not to let my voice betray my heavy tears and sobbing. Mum said she heard it.
"It's good you're taking time to travel. Relax, enjoy yourself. You have gone through so much..."
Those words drew out more tears, and I felt my face contort in pain. My voice was so powerless. I was unable to speak. "Remember... eighteen years ago we were all here... I miss you [all]. I miss you [all]..."
Mum said she was at this very place back in 2008, and that she stayed in a "tall tower". Was it the same hotel I was staying in? The knowledge that mum was there, that mum only recently also saw what I was seeing, was comforting and yet heart-wrenching. I felt the sprays of water cleanse my tired eyes and refresh my face.
And I stopped crying.
I cried what I needed to. The sorrow, the pent-up emotions, the pain, terrible pain of watching mum suffer and suffer even more all flooded out of me. And I felt lighter, more at ease, and the pain did not feel so painful after all...
I was numb. The water continuously fell, the sound of the water falling did not cease for a single moment. Nature seems to have such inspiring and invisible strength that last forever and forever.
But my emotions were temporary, like a summer storm that brews and brews until it is eventually released.
And afterwards the skies clear up again...
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