Moved on

A friend had me over at his place for dinner with him and his mum. I've always enjoyed evenings with them, for it gives me a deep sense of belonging and family. And the food is wonderful.

The mother is really like a mother: caring, wise, understanding and opinionated. She was a bit distant in the beginning and only later did I know why when she revealed the reason.

Last time I was there, I was torn and distraught, broken because my ex was actively pursuing someone else. She reminded me then to be strong and that I'd get out of it, and she said she hopes when she sees me next, I'll be better off, stronger, and come out from this all having learnt something.

I did not disappoint her. One week has gone since I went to see my ex. We has fun and great times biking, we slept with one another. But it felt empty, like something is missing. I did not feel comfortable in his arms when I cried. Only on the last night before I was leaving did we seriously talk about things and where he is.

He broke down and cried and cried, said how difficult life has been without me all these months. He said he misses me so much, he loves me and has always loved me. He said he'll "fix" things. He admitted he was in a relationship with the other boy because it was comforting and an escape. He could not tell things to the other guy he told me. From friends I heard it was just a convenient relationship because the other guy is so much younger, and my ex seems to pay for everything. Whatever it is, if my ex and his new boyfriend is happy with the arrangement, who is to judge?

My ex had months to "fix" things. He chose not to because he's afraid to break the other guy's heart. He chose not to because the guy had final exams. That already was a revealing sign of his honesty and test of how true he claims his feelings are for me. If you truly, truly love someone, if you truly truly care about someone, would you not give up every thing and prove your commitment? And since I came back, my ex has slept with me, been around me, but he does not dare let the other guy know. I feel like I am the mistress. I feel a repeated pattern here, of pretence, of hiding and of being dishonest because my ex is top afraid to face things seems content to just let things linger and linger. Mutual friends of ours are so disgusted by my ex's behaviour, are so uncomfortable when my ex brings his new boyfriend to social gatherings, but they say nothing. What is there to say when the behaviour is expected?

I had my answer from the weekend I had with my ex. It was fun, it was reliving past memories of biking together and being so carefree with one another. But it was not as deep, it was different. Is it me? Have I changed? Have I weaned off from wing dependent on my ex?

He says he still feels something, but again I see no change in our situation. I came back here, back into his life, but who am I now? Who am I but a disturbance in the relationship he has built and settled for in my absence? As when I leave to go in around ten days time, what will have changed? Nothing. It will be as if I was never here. I told him to let me go, to put all the things I've given him in the past, in the cupboard, throw them out if he has to. He cried and screamed "Never! Never!"
Never, never, but he has done nothing, nothing at all to make me believe him, make him trust him and feel like there can still be a future with him. All we've done since my return is have fun and pretend as if there is no issue to deal with. All he has done is repeatedly say he loves me so, misses me so much, kissed me passionately on the lips like he's never done before. But he's still in a relationship. Still hiding, still pretending everything is alright.

"I will be moving on now..." was the note I left in my ex's apartment the other day. He can refuse to let me go, he can still be stuck in his relationship and pander after me, but the choice was all his to make, and I removed myself from his life, from his relationship and wished him happiness and lasting love. As far as I am concerned, there is no more future. My ex had me, but he lost me. And I have tried to move on. And I am succeeding.

"It's good to see you have grown stronger and moved on. I am proud of you!" my friend's mum said.

There comes a point when you realise what is important, especially in the face of losing someone so dear to your life. And I realise that. It is a shame that my ex does not...