It was seeing the falls. Even at night, even in the darkness, it was so powerful, so awing, so persisting. It was nature inspiring and goading broken and disappointed souls to safety and to comfort. The rush of the water was nature's way of dispelling all doubts and all fears. How can anything else really matter in the world compared to the immensity and sheer brute force of the water falling at such rapid speeds and with so much momentum?
What made me cry so much? The sounds, the deafening, constant sound of the water falling in the middle of the night. Falling into complete darkness, originating from complete darkness. The incessant sounds, incessant flow of water gushing and rushing over the precipice and naturally, fearlessly falling into the unknown.
What made me cry so much? The memories... memories of how eighteen years ago my entire family, my dad, mum, brother and I, stood (admittedly on the other, American, side of the falls) here and admired the water together. How much has changed throughout those seemingly carefree days... Who have I lost, and who am I about to lose? A heart-wrenching sense of loneliness choked my breath, and my breathing was made harder by my uncontrollable sobbing. All alone... All alone, standing there, crying. My ex gave me some space and walked away to lie down a little in the distance. Even he did not notice me howling and sobbing like I have rarely done. To think, that many years ago we were all together, and now I am here by myself...
There was some solace to be found in the fact that I managed to build up a life in the country I thought was so mysterious and foreign back then when I was just ten. Now, that great vast nation across the Niagara River is my home, and I made it (more or less) on my own. I made a whole new start after losing dad, and now on the verge of losing mum, I am consolidating my presence in Canada by submitting my application for Permanent Residence.
But the thought of building a home in Canada all own my own drowned me again in sadness and pain. I so wanted to share with dad the excitement I felt discovering this country... I so wanted mum to experience the beautiful scenery and bountiful berries and good quality of life after she retired. I know I am fortunate to have traveled with her extensively around this amazing country... But I so wanted her to come again, to visit again, to see me walk down the podium as I collect my degree in two weeks' time. I so much wanted mum to be proud of me, to see me thrive and be successful... to see me happy and settled...
The waters did not stop falling all the time these and so many other thoughts flooded my mind and erupted out of my eyes in the form of tears. I looked into the distance, at the colossal columns of water pouring down... and I felt so small, so insignificant. I could jump across the barrier and just vanish, and all my pains and sorrows would vanish too. I would never do that, of course, because how could I just give up my life when mum is struggling to hold onto hers? But the thought did cross my mind.
I began to walk off in a hurried pace. I was drunk from crying and stumbled. The tears clouded my vision and made me so dizzy. I stopped again on the side of the cliff and sat down on the rocky barrier. My ex followed me and was trying to comfort me. But I found little solace in my ex's arms, even though he tried hard to get me into them. Those arms belong to another, I can no longer find comfort and security in them, however sincere he offers them to me.
I took out my phone and began to dial home. I needed to speak to mum.
"Can you hear the waterfalls, mama?" I asked. I tried so hard to suppress the tears, I tried so hard not to whimper and not to let my voice betray my heavy tears and sobbing. Mum said she heard it.
"It's good you're taking time to travel. Relax, enjoy yourself. You have gone through so much..."
Those words drew out more tears, and I felt my face contort in pain. My voice was so powerless. I was unable to speak. "Remember... eighteen years ago we were all here... I miss you [all]. I miss you [all]..."
Mum said she was at this very place back in 2008, and that she stayed in a "tall tower". Was it the same hotel I was staying in? The knowledge that mum was there, that mum only recently also saw what I was seeing, was comforting and yet heart-wrenching. I felt the sprays of water cleanse my tired eyes and refresh my face.
And I stopped crying.
I cried what I needed to. The sorrow, the pent-up emotions, the pain, terrible pain of watching mum suffer and suffer even more all flooded out of me. And I felt lighter, more at ease, and the pain did not feel so painful after all...
I was numb. The water continuously fell, the sound of the water falling did not cease for a single moment. Nature seems to have such inspiring and invisible strength that last forever and forever.
But my emotions were temporary, like a summer storm that brews and brews until it is eventually released.
And afterwards the skies clear up again...
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