The longest talk

"Mum won't last till the end of the year..." brother said. The words washed over me. The words normally would affect me, make me breakdown and cry, cry, cry, but I did not feel much. Perhaps since that night two nights ago, sitting on the edge of the great waterfalls, I have become all cried out. Perhaps the waterfall drew all the tears out of me, perhaps the falls shook out whatever sobbing and sorrow there is inside of me. I felt guilty for not feeling much when brother told me mum may not have long. And yet, i said to him: "But didn't we know this? Isn't it better for her if she is in so much discomfort?"

Why do I not feel much? Is it because I've been away from her too long? I've not see her, held her, touched her for the longest time, it feels like. Every time mum and I speak, it's so brief and so superficial. There really isn't that much to talk about. Her day consists of waking up, eating what little she can, and then resting, massages to keep the sores away, medication to numb the pains in her arm. And my day? I try to tell her happy things, what I'm doing here, try to tell her about my life. But at the same time I feel guilty telling her about my travels and "fun" life when she is more or less bed-bound. And I'm not going to go into any details about my ex and I, for she would just worry that I have no one at all in this world. And she gas told mr so many times her greatest fear is her leaving me before I found someone who can and is willing to be with me, take care of me, and give me the love and support I need in the future...

Brother said they went to her main physician today. He did nothing. There was nothing to be done. The inflammation of the pancreas cannot be treated, for she has to stop eating for the swelling to go down. And mum cannot afford to stop eating, especially given how little she eats. Besides, perhaps it's more than a mere inflammation. It's probably the cancer eating through, spreading.

And brother said he went to see the family doctor because the forms i signed and the arrangements I had made for hospice care went "missing". Nothing was ever processed, so the hospital has no record of mum's decision for hospice care and no notice of the DNR form she previously signed. Brother rectified this, and soon there will be a hospice care worker visiting mum at home every few days.

I suspect my aunts (mum's sister and mum's brother's wife...) has something to do with it, that perhaps in my absence they told the nurses and doctors to belay the orders. If that is the case, it is such a great and unacceptable interference in our lives and shows such disrespect for mum's wishes. It is her life, it is our own family affairs, so what gives them the right to veto a decision that was taken unanimously by members of my immediate family?

"Her friend said according to Taiwanese tradition, mum may not survive past the Dragon Boat Festival..." brother said. I'm not sure why that is, and what the explanation for the belief is. But thinking back, Dad did pass away the day before the new year... Dragon Boat Festival, that's in four week's time...

Mum has lost even more weight, and whatever she manages to eat now is probably just sustaining her vital functions. "When can you get back here? How long will it take you?" Brother asked

"Within twenty four hours. I can be there within 24hours..."

"I'll let you know at the very first instance. Do make a note of the times of flights so you are ready to board any time."

"I know. I already have."

I already have... I already know the flights times and connection possibilities. My credit card is permanently credited, my suitcase is standing by and ready. The next trip will be one final one, and there are things, special things I am preparing to take with me. Clothes, pictures, memorabilia... memories of mum's life, of my role in hers, of her role in mine. Most things are packed and standing by, more or less ready to leave at a moment's notice...

But there is only just my heart, my mind, my soul still needs to prepare and brace for that day, for that moment. And my god how weak and tattered my heart is right now... How much I need to work on my heart, my soul, my mind to calmly weather whatever is coming ahead...