Lingering troubles

It's been a few days since I last spoke to mum, and I finally managed to reach her, despite the poor connection and having to call back many times because the call kept disconnecting (what do you expect being out in the woods of Peribonka?)

I sensed something was wrong, for mum was short in her response and kept on wanting to hang up quickly. Then she finally admitted two things on her mind...

First of all, her arm aches are returning again, and it feels now as if she never went through the radiotherapy. That distresses her, and really pulls me down, but there's little I can do about it but worry and wish she would not feel  so much pain. Imagine that pain, that constant source of discomfort an having to live with it every waking moment of the day (and night)... She's going to consult the neurosurgeon, but that could potential point to just one solution: life risking surgery that will take months of recovery...
I do not want to think of that now, and I am sure she no more than o don't want to...

Then, she detailed her latest argument on the phone with my brother just yesterday. She wanted to let him/ them know how she felt really marginalized and neglected while she was staying with them in Europe, but brother apparently struck back and said that it's all because mum is so difficult to please and serve. That caused her so much anger and sent her blood pressure soaring (that's how she described it).

How disappointed I was listening to this all, and even in the tranquility of the forest, I felt my mind and mood cloud over.

Even after a week or so of being at home, mum still cannot let go of how she felt she was treated, and brother seems to have so little thought for her, who really cannot, should not, for the sake of her health and not aggravating her illness, have any unnecessary stress or tension.

"Please, mum" i said, "Just live your life and take care of yourself. Please don't let the past linger..." I said what I could say, I showed her the care and love I could offer from this distance, and I need to make peace with that, however inadequate what i have said or done may feel like.

Sudden change

It all came so suddenly, so unexpectedly, and I felt so miserable and unprepared. I let out a load groan, and felt like things were turning so sour because it was all so rough and  painful to deal with.

But at moments when you are thrown in a sticky situation, you adapt, you change, you mend your plans and desires to accommodate a new  reality you did not forsee. And at times, it turns out to be a pleasant surprise, and you enjoy the process at the end of the day.

The rain came so quickly we were all unprepared. Though we had seen the signs, seen the dense dark clouds looming tall and approaching fast, we thought we could outrun and outsmart nature. But no, the rain bombarded us like pellets, and soon we were drenched, and had to hide to protect ourselves from the rain, the thunder and lightning, and from the frightening blowing wind.

Originally we wanted to head to a camp site deep inside a scenic national park, but the rain dampened our hopes and spirits, and we just decided to call it a day and find anywhere to rest for the night. Keeping warm and keeping dry was our priority, and we sought hard for a place to stay.

Upon  a little town we stumbled, and we rode into the camping ground and inquired about the availability of a "deluxe" tent. We were in luck, ad soon we dried ourselves (and our luggage) inside the cosy tent for four which had its own little kitchen.

We settled in, and with a fellow traveller I went to pick up groceries from a local convent store. There was very little choice except for canned veggies and pasta, but with some garlic and butter, we soon fixed up an amazing dinner and sat down to enjoy the cool evening over ases of wine. The food was so simple, yet perhaps the hunger and tiredness, it felt and tasted like it was a luxurious meal at a fancy restaurant, and we chatted and laughed into the night.

Such simple surroundings, in the middle of the woods, the rain splashing on our roof, the sounds of crickets calling and/or laughter. Such simple joy and fun there is to be had.

And all this because, or in spite,  of a sudden change in our plans, and a dramatic change in the weather.

long bike ride

I only learned about this trip a few days ago. A 256km ride around Lac St Jean, in central Quebec, on a bike route known as Route des Bluets, due to te abundance of blueberries in this region, especially at this time o the year.

I was a little hesitant at first, afraid to be imposing on the plans of someone I had just met and who happened to share my love of biking. But she insisted it would be no trouble at all , and as they say, the more the merrier.

So with three others, we sped through the night to the area and checked in late at a B&B. The next morning, we started biking toward our destination some 90km further north.

The scenery is beautiful, with rolling hills and valleys, and at times the broad, inviting blur surface of Lac St Jean itself in the not so far away distance. We went at a steady pace, paused here and there for photo ops and to visit historic sites, but generally we are a fun and friendly bunch of people who, though some of us have never met before, are fast beginning good biking buddies.

Again, being on a bike and going the long distance made me feel so alive and invigorated. Initially I was afraid of the distance, but really going at a steady pace you hardly feel or notice.



Of course, there are moments when i think of my friend and imagine how great it would be to do this long bike ride together, for we've so often talked about going here and there... And at times, I was reminded of the charity bike ride we did last year, our longest together yet, when we just felt so happy and trouble free being next to one another.

But I could forget, at least temporarily anyways. Forget what had pulled me down for so long, and I could feel myself, my body be so strong and so determined to continue. Forget, and leave all the noises and troubles that has so disturbed me for the last few weeks, months, and just focus on the road, on the peddling, on getting to where we are headed. It is wonderful to distract yourself and to remind yourself that beyond your worries, fears and attachments, is a world so vast, so beautiful and all of it waiting to be explored and taken in with the mind and eyes.

Tonight we are camping outdoors, merely a few steps from a broad river of rough rapids. I can hear the water, crashing and tumbling, I can smell the scent of an open campfire, and I can feel the romance I always feel wing outdoors and being with nature (less bugs would be nice though...).

Time for a good rest, relax my body, to enjoy that momentary peace of mind and resting of my soul.

leaving town

It was an abrupt goodbye, but sometimes that is what is needed. A hug, rushed, a kiss, a whisper in the ear: "Take care..."

Though we were at the office, though I was rushing to proofread something I promised someone, we spent a good two hours talking. About him, about his confusions, about him been so torn and having such strong feelings toward the other boy. We talked, about where we are going, where we have come from, and what we mean to one another, if anything now after such a long time and becoming so deeply ingrained in one another's lives and thoughts....

I told him how much he means to me, what happiness he brought me, not just in our period together as a real couple, but from the day we first met, from that night we first connected deep into the night... Even if I'm hurting and struggling hard with heartbreak and pain to a degree Ive never before felt, he taught me I can love, and be loved in return

I wished him, perhaps for the first time, without any pain or regret, at least not at that moment when the words escaped my mouth, that he can one day find someone who will give him happiness, care and love more than i ever could. Because I'm not sure if i ever lived up to what is expected of a boyfriend, and i know i have at times disappointed him even as a friend.

He deserves to be happy, we all do. And if I cannot offer that to him any more, I hope someone else can do that, can give him butterflies, give him smiles when he wales up everyday and give him a reason to work, to dream and to live for another day, and so much more.

At one point he broke down and cried and cried. I wanted to hold him, comfort him but all I could offer was a cloth to wipe his snot and tears...

Then we kissed. It's been such a long time since we last kissed, and perhaps it would our last kiss. The passion was still there, the lips still felt so sort, the arousal so overwhelming and additive. His scent, his beautiful eyes, the stubble of his face, the touch of his soft fingers and strong arms. It felt like the first time we were intimate, like there was no one else and everything in the world just stopped, stopped like my heart beat. And there in the office, Wight the door locked, and our colleagues steps away, we had sex yet again, and it felt wrong; it felt so naughty, but oh it felt so relieving and so good.

A rushed goodbye, a quick kiss on the lips, and we parted ways. I'm headed out of town to escape, to get away, and he to the gym to distract himself and to find temporary peace and sanity.

We will meet again, I'm sure of that. Under what circumstances, under what mindset, I'm not sure. but meet again we shall, because after all the tears, talks, tensions, let downs, we are special to one another, we mean something to one another. He knows it, i know it.

Meet again we shall, and I look forward to that.

Going away

Time to get away, get away from it all. Time to lose myself in nature, disappear into the wild, allow my mind and thoughts to drift with the breeze and shivering leaves.
 

Remembering the ancestors

The other day was  the biggest celebration during the Ghost Month, a day when people in Taiwan commemorate their ancestors and worship "wandering ghosts". Originally, I wanted to throw a party, but I was stressed about my immigration interview, and I was also an emotional wreck after a few difficult days of talking and reconciling with my friend, so I needed to postpone. As a temporary tribute, I laid out a few fruits and invited my members of my family who have long passed away, invited my dad, to come, and promised that I would prepare something more sumptuous later in the month.

Mum today went to the temple to pay respects to dad's remains, and she took with her a number of dishes for  him and our ancestors, and plenty of fruits as well as paper money to be burnt as an offering. It went well, she said, and she also took the opportunity to stand before dad's urn and tell him about her trip to see my brother and I. That was very touching to hear, especially as I know she goes through a lot of trouble, all on her, and has to travel a great distance to complete the commemoration ceremony. I wished I could have been there, to help her, and to 'see' my dad and ancestors in person...

I will have to do something soon, as I promised I would.

one last time?

A few days ago he wrote to me after a night of intense passion, in which he made a commitment to himself. He has an objective in mind, to try and try again to be with the boy he fell for back in November... and unless there is some kind of resolution, whether they get back together or he is turned away cold, he cannot let this go. In the mean time, he cannot have any more physical relations with me... for his own sake, for my sake, so as not to mislead me or hurt me, and for our sake...

But since, we broken that promise, tried to convince ourselves that what we were doing (pleasuring one another) was not fully sex. The temptation of each other's bodies is just too much, too much to bear and resist. And today again we broke that commitment. Was it me, did I push the boundaries? Did I tempt him lying next to him after a game of sweaty tennis on such a beautiful day? But he wanted it as much as I did, or so was the impression.

Afterwards as we were healing, hugging one another, he suddenly told me the latest update between him and the boy he cannot let go of or stop thinking about. I turned away, cold, and got up. I was not angry, but the timing was just so misplaced... We were just intimate, and almost immediately afterwards, he began to tell me about the other person.

It was just poor timing, for which he did apologise. From the look on his face he was again heavy and glum, even though it had been a wonderful day so far.

But for a many moments, I felt like I did not exist. I felt like i was so easily dispensable, so forgettable, so easily forgettable and could easily disappear from his life in the blink of an eye. Even though I was physically next to him, even though I was looking at his face, feeling his body, he did not seem to see my face, did not seem to see me. After being a couple, after our shortlived relationship, it feels like we were now back to those heydays when sex was just... sex, and nothing else. Is it this way? How disappointing it felt reaching that conclusion, knowing that after all we have gone through, the many beautiful moments we have shared in so many places, I am just an aside on his life stage.

I guess I have only myself to blame, and I am not upset at him. I have myself to blame for not being able to let go of his body, for being so caught up with sexual and physical satisfaction... I have only myself to blame for wanting to lie next to him, for wanting to stroke his skin ever so softly and for wanting to feel his breath and smell his scent... Who am I to him now, really, who am I to him now, when so soon after sex he could start thinking and talking about the boy he is so into and cannot let go of?

I have somehow lost my touch on my friend, lost my appeal on him, and his mind, his feelings are set on someone else. That cannot change, unless he finds some kind of resolution for his feelings. I knew that, and I guess I've known that since he began to slowly, slowly reveal the truth of what happened between them, and why things broke down and why we broke up back in May. The feelings of romance, of love between us must be suppressed and buried.

Sex with him has always been so intoxicating, but it seems to become more and more poisonous. But is that poison why it feels so good, so naughty, so desirable? I need to really let go of that longing, let go of that physical desire, however ovewhelming and magical it can be. I need also to let go of wanting to be with my friend, of longing to see him when I am lonely and upset. It is best for everyone, and best for my own protection...

Talked out

My friend was there as I came out of the immigration interview. He had beautiful flowers in his hand, blue (violet) and white, symbolic of my new adoptive homeland's national colours. I pretended at first that I had not succeed, but could not contain my happiness that I finally secured the first step towards permanent residence here in Canada. I kissed him on the cheeks, and hugged him many times, thanking him over and over again. He was also very happy for me, and smiled so many times so beautifully at me.

We went out to lunch, and I excitedly told him about how the interview went. We met other friends who were all sent me wellwished and congratulations. It was a generally happy evening, despite my fatigue from the stress and sleeping only a few hours.

Then he came home with me, and that was when the mood suddenly, unexpectedly changed. It began with him snooping around my email inbox, one thing led to another, and we were up till late again having difficult discussions about his feelings and confusions, about our former relationship,  deciphering our minds and the past. It is good to get all the thoughts and words out into the open, good for my friend to vent all the bottled emotions and frustrations. All of what was said seems now like a blur, (or perhaps I am just too tired to be able to digest them and coherently put them into words...?) At one point, it felt all a bit much, with my long and stressful day and interview, and then having to sort through emotional luggage which is not getting any lighter.

Even so, I promised my friend I would be there to listen, that I would be there to support and comfort him when he needed.  I think I did that, even though at times it was very heavy and difficult to listen and not be affected deep down. I sat, and I listened, because that is what friends do for one another... that is what he has done for me on numerous occasions, and my friend deserves, needs nothing less from me.

By the end of it all, we were all talked out, and we lay next to one another in bed, trying to, pretending to fall asleep. I felt his breath, the warmth of his body, felt the softness of his skin, the sensuality of his touch. I can only imagine how the smell and warmth and touch of my body aroused him too. And again, like so often in the past, after long, difficult and painful talks, we began to explore each other's bodies. Did it feel good? Was it so intoxicating and so damned arousing? Yes, it was, yes it was... Did we both need relief, and did we succumb to our desires and simple, carnal pleasures? Yes, we did, yes, we did.

But the questions, the doubts, the confusions are still lingering and lurking around in the background...

one small step

I was nervous, stressed as the minutes ticked toward 1330hrs, 15 August 2011. I rushed to my office to get a last minute documentation from my professor, and received many hugs and pats on the back from my friend, and many "you'll be just fine"s from my colleagues.

Even so, sitting in that waiting room waiting doe my name to be called seemed to take forever.

Eventually, a lady called my name, and our eyes met, and we would sit across each other from a desk for the next 40min or so, with a colleague of hers sitting in the back, watching the whole interview take place.

She began. From the first impression, she didn't have the friendliest of face or make a very warm impression. But she was articulate and spoke French clearly and slowly so even I could understand, which allayed my fears. Most questions were about my education and work experience, as well as work prospects here in Quebec. I answered her, telling her all my experiences, and showed her letters of recommendation, one of which was written by my former boss, who was a Quebecoise. That made a positive impression indeed.

I had expected questions on Quebec culture, history or even being asked my opinion of the thorny issue of independence... but none of those came up. Instead, she asked me about the topic of my thesis, and what I find difficult most of all in my research, which I was unprepared for, especially in language I have only a basic command of. Even so, I explained (or tried to at least...) in French, and she somehow understood.

At one point she typed on her computer for a good few minutes. That didn't look right, I thought, but then she turned around and began to compliment me on my level of French (she said it was very "fluide", which as a friend later would say is not proper French, but I guess means "flowing", or fluent). Of course I need to improve my French skills, and learn more vocabulary, but the basic grammar and pronunciation is sound, and she was very surprised. As was I, and I smiled when she said that.

From one moment complimenting me on my level of French, came the next moment. "Congratulations," she said with a smile, "You have successfully obtained your CSQ" (Quebec Selection Certificate). I smiled, and smiled, "Merci infiniment," I said, "Merci, merci, merci..." 

I left the interview with a piece of paper in my hand. A piece of paper with my name on it. A moment of pride it was, a moment of happiness and sense of achievement I have not felt in a long, long time. I needed that, needed to feel and savour that, even if that were to disappear quickly. But I needed that to remind myself that I still have it within me... to work hard, to put effort into something, and to succeed.

It was not as if I spent a lot of time preparing for the interview, but over the last week or so, I have been reviewing my documents, and with the help of two friends, I have been jotting down on paper and mentally sentences in simple French to introduce myself and 'sell' myself.

I guess deep down inside, I somehow knew I would obtain the right to stay on in the country as a skilled worker. But I needed to prove myself, and to show myself that I could do it. All my experiences, all my diplomas, all those years spent living in different countries, all those languages I speak... it is as if I have spent my whole life preparing for this moment, to be assessed and scrutinised by a society, by a country, with its own rules and regulations, with its needs and demands of what it means to play a role here.

And how wonderful it is to know that I am welcome in this country. How wonderful it is to know that this country values my skills and talents and welcomes me to be a part of this society based on immigrants and tolerance and equality.

It feels wonderful to belong, as I said during my interview... to belong, and to feel at home. And the piece of paper with my name of it is a small step to securing my sense of belonging, to permanently building my home here in Canada.

entrevue

After almost three years here in Quebec, tomorrow will be a decisive day. The day which will more or less decide whether I continue staying here.

Probably it's not as dramatic as that, but it'll be a first step toward receiving permanent residence.

I've been dragging my feet on applying, and finally took the bold step last year October. Now, almost ten months later, I've been called to an interview (though, I was first contacted back in May for an interview, which was supposed to take place while I was in Taiwan with mum).

People who have gone through it tell me it's not as difficult as I imagine it. Most of all, they want to know whether I have a foundation in French ( which I do, albeit very basic and conversational), and to know why I want to stay here. And from online forums, the immigration officer would want to see and verify all my documents. At the end of the 30-60min interview my "fate" will be decided with either a success or failure.

If I fail I can apply again after I polish my language skills... My friend has said numerous times he'd willingly sponsor me so I can stay in the country... But, as much I appreciate the selfless offer, it is too much to accept, and I would feel depreciated as a person if I cannot even make it past immigration based on my own skills and abilities. If I succeed, it'll be perhaps the single greatest personal achievement in the last two, three years.

After a lot of downs lately, I more than ever i need something to make me feel accomplished and alive again. It will be a very big boost of confidence and prompt me to start my life with a new beginning, with more certainty and determination.

Tomorrow this time, I will know the answer.

Words

There had been a build up, an accumulation of tears and words, confusion, hurt and misunderstanding. It's been going on since the end of November last year, it has been dissected and cried over over many waking moments and sleepless nights. It has consumed the lives of my friend, me and another.

The spread of pain and silence is infectious. And the silence, the untold stories and truths has been churning inside, unable to be digested, and unsettled on all of our minds and souls for over half a year.

 And today, perhaps as part of what you could call a week of truth (-and-reconciliation?), whereby he told me bit by bit what he felt went wrong with our relationship, and about his desire for the other person, he said to me what had so often crossed his mind. It filled him with such resentment and bitterness. He paused before he said it, with such quiet calm and resolve. "Why did you do this to me?" he asked... why did I stand in the way of his happiness? Why did I keep him away from that special, special happiness he finally found? He lamented, and told me outright that back then, in November last year when he was started to date the new guy, it would have been so wonderful, so much less complicated if I could have said to him "it is nice to see you happy" and to give me my blessings. But instead I stood in the way... I put him in a difficult position. And everything is soured now as a result, everyone is hurting, everyone is alone and lost and confused.

He sobbed in my bed, over the happiness, that pure and simple happiness he had tasted and was lost because I got in the way, because I turned to him one day after he started seeing someone else and made him choose. He sobbed, perhaps hurting so deeply inside about whether he can ever find that happiness he experienced with the other boy.

What he said was so painful, so indicting I wondered how we had come to this... How did our relationship end like this, how can all those beautiful moments we had over the last two years, and the wonderful three months we had together as a 'real' couple, be so blighted by such a conclusion?

I admit I have my failings, that for a long time I treated him poorly and never saw (or wanted to see...) the care and love he was showering me. I admit I took his care and love for granted, and rarely returned it. And I broke his heart so many times when he tried to be with me, and I broke his heart again when he was finally getting over me and getting together with someone else. But did I really not want to see him happy? Was I really so jealous and so cruel that I did not care about his happiness?

I do not know the answer to that... but all I know for sure is that when we were together, I swear I tried, tried and tried so hard to make him smile and be happy, to make him feel like he is special and beautiful, to make him realise how happy he makes me feel, what light he has brought into my life ever since the day we met... yet deep down inside, he could not get over the fact that I stole and trampled on the one true happiness he found. All I could do was apologise again and again for my wrong doing. I accept the blame... I accept the resentment, I accept my faults and wrongs.

By the end of it, we hugged and made peace, held hands, I kissed him on the cheeks, he me on the forehead. Even though he said we should not dwell on the past any more and move on, I was left with lingering feelings of remorse and guilt...