A few days ago he wrote to me after a night of intense passion, in which he made a commitment to himself. He has an objective in mind, to try and try again to be with the boy he fell for back in November... and unless there is some kind of resolution, whether they get back together or he is turned away cold, he cannot let this go. In the mean time, he cannot have any more physical relations with me... for his own sake, for my sake, so as not to mislead me or hurt me, and for our sake...
But since, we broken that promise, tried to convince ourselves that what we were doing (pleasuring one another) was not fully sex. The temptation of each other's bodies is just too much, too much to bear and resist. And today again we broke that commitment. Was it me, did I push the boundaries? Did I tempt him lying next to him after a game of sweaty tennis on such a beautiful day? But he wanted it as much as I did, or so was the impression.
Afterwards as we were healing, hugging one another, he suddenly told me the latest update between him and the boy he cannot let go of or stop thinking about. I turned away, cold, and got up. I was not angry, but the timing was just so misplaced... We were just intimate, and almost immediately afterwards, he began to tell me about the other person.
It was just poor timing, for which he did apologise. From the look on his face he was again heavy and glum, even though it had been a wonderful day so far.
But for a many moments, I felt like I did not exist. I felt like i was so easily dispensable, so forgettable, so easily forgettable and could easily disappear from his life in the blink of an eye. Even though I was physically next to him, even though I was looking at his face, feeling his body, he did not seem to see my face, did not seem to see me. After being a couple, after our shortlived relationship, it feels like we were now back to those heydays when sex was just... sex, and nothing else. Is it this way? How disappointing it felt reaching that conclusion, knowing that after all we have gone through, the many beautiful moments we have shared in so many places, I am just an aside on his life stage.
I guess I have only myself to blame, and I am not upset at him. I have myself to blame for not being able to let go of his body, for being so caught up with sexual and physical satisfaction... I have only myself to blame for wanting to lie next to him, for wanting to stroke his skin ever so softly and for wanting to feel his breath and smell his scent... Who am I to him now, really, who am I to him now, when so soon after sex he could start thinking and talking about the boy he is so into and cannot let go of?
I have somehow lost my touch on my friend, lost my appeal on him, and his mind, his feelings are set on someone else. That cannot change, unless he finds some kind of resolution for his feelings. I knew that, and I guess I've known that since he began to slowly, slowly reveal the truth of what happened between them, and why things broke down and why we broke up back in May. The feelings of romance, of love between us must be suppressed and buried.
Sex with him has always been so intoxicating, but it seems to become more and more poisonous. But is that poison why it feels so good, so naughty, so desirable? I need to really let go of that longing, let go of that physical desire, however ovewhelming and magical it can be. I need also to let go of wanting to be with my friend, of longing to see him when I am lonely and upset. It is best for everyone, and best for my own protection...
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