Words

There had been a build up, an accumulation of tears and words, confusion, hurt and misunderstanding. It's been going on since the end of November last year, it has been dissected and cried over over many waking moments and sleepless nights. It has consumed the lives of my friend, me and another.

The spread of pain and silence is infectious. And the silence, the untold stories and truths has been churning inside, unable to be digested, and unsettled on all of our minds and souls for over half a year.

 And today, perhaps as part of what you could call a week of truth (-and-reconciliation?), whereby he told me bit by bit what he felt went wrong with our relationship, and about his desire for the other person, he said to me what had so often crossed his mind. It filled him with such resentment and bitterness. He paused before he said it, with such quiet calm and resolve. "Why did you do this to me?" he asked... why did I stand in the way of his happiness? Why did I keep him away from that special, special happiness he finally found? He lamented, and told me outright that back then, in November last year when he was started to date the new guy, it would have been so wonderful, so much less complicated if I could have said to him "it is nice to see you happy" and to give me my blessings. But instead I stood in the way... I put him in a difficult position. And everything is soured now as a result, everyone is hurting, everyone is alone and lost and confused.

He sobbed in my bed, over the happiness, that pure and simple happiness he had tasted and was lost because I got in the way, because I turned to him one day after he started seeing someone else and made him choose. He sobbed, perhaps hurting so deeply inside about whether he can ever find that happiness he experienced with the other boy.

What he said was so painful, so indicting I wondered how we had come to this... How did our relationship end like this, how can all those beautiful moments we had over the last two years, and the wonderful three months we had together as a 'real' couple, be so blighted by such a conclusion?

I admit I have my failings, that for a long time I treated him poorly and never saw (or wanted to see...) the care and love he was showering me. I admit I took his care and love for granted, and rarely returned it. And I broke his heart so many times when he tried to be with me, and I broke his heart again when he was finally getting over me and getting together with someone else. But did I really not want to see him happy? Was I really so jealous and so cruel that I did not care about his happiness?

I do not know the answer to that... but all I know for sure is that when we were together, I swear I tried, tried and tried so hard to make him smile and be happy, to make him feel like he is special and beautiful, to make him realise how happy he makes me feel, what light he has brought into my life ever since the day we met... yet deep down inside, he could not get over the fact that I stole and trampled on the one true happiness he found. All I could do was apologise again and again for my wrong doing. I accept the blame... I accept the resentment, I accept my faults and wrongs.

By the end of it, we hugged and made peace, held hands, I kissed him on the cheeks, he me on the forehead. Even though he said we should not dwell on the past any more and move on, I was left with lingering feelings of remorse and guilt...