nightmare,,,

I woke up, so terribly shaken, groaning and my body curled up in a ball, writhing.

The images And sounds were so terribly disturbing,all too real, all too possible...

Mum, brother and I were on a trip somewhere, driving next to a river with little settlements on either side of the bank. We stopped at a place to rest, a place which happened to belong to someone we knew.

Mum retreated to bed early, but from the door open ajar, I cod see her in terrible, terrible pain and agony. "why did you come out when you were in such discomfort?" I asked.

She did not reply, but just kept rocking back and forth, holding onto her aching arm. It was à terribly sorry sight to see...

In the next scene, 　mum begun crying, begun lashing out at people all around her, and she was sweating profusely, talking gibberish like she had lost her ability to speak. I watched in tears, rushed to camp her down , to reassure her that it'll all be alright, but even I panicked and was so terribly lost and shaken by her convulsions and throws of her fist.

"please, mum, nooooooooo!"

That's when I woke up and found myself groaning, but Those groans were not answered..:

worrying too much?

I still get emotional when I talk about my stay with mum recently. I guess it has really had a tremendous impact on me, more than I realise, and more than anyone else can ever comprehend...

at lunch with two friends today, out of concern they asked me how mum was doing. To be honest, I'm always lost as what to answer. She's not well, but at the same time she's not in a great degree if pain and suffering either ( at least not to my knowledge...) "Stable" I said eventually, "At this stage as long as it does not worsen thats a good thing".

even having been back here for almost three weeks now, in the back of my mind I still wonder whether it was right to leave her, especially whenever mum has to go to the hospital all alone. I sleep terribly at night, my mind so disturbed and strained by thoughts and worries, and i wake up often more exhausted than before sleeping.

I call her twice a day , sometimes three times- to the effect that she jokes that I'm calling her as if after each and every meal of the day. "You really worry too much" she said the other day "Concentrate on your own things and get your work done"

It's easier said than done.... But somehow I'll have to manage.

misunderstanding?

I left after dinner. Perhaps I should have stayed, but my heart told me to go, for I felt so frustrated, mainly at myself. For the second time in as many weeks I felt like I shouldn't be around him because I seem to have this ability to make him feel unappreciated (worse still, depreciated...) by the things I say.

Did he want me to stay? I'm not sure, but he looked saddened and hurt by comments I had made, especially as he went out of his way to make me a nice
meal. And the evening was ruined by my commments and incessant questions. Was it a simple case of miscommunication, or does it come down to the fundamental problem I have receiving what others want to give me? I felt terrible to have mislead him, but felt there was little I could say to make the situation better.

Maybe time and space apart will make soothe whatever tensions or misunderstandings there may have been... I sure hope so...