Longings

We met two weeks ago, went out twice. Each time a good time, laughing, chatting, sharing and bonding. He  made an impression on me, made me think perhaps that there is a possibility here, and I thought perhaps those feelings were mutual.  

I left for 12 days for my retreat and to visit family. We said we'd keep in touch. In those days in the forest, without access to phone or internet, I thought of him at times. Sometimes wanting to write to him, at some points during my retreat even starting to compose emails in my mind. During some sitting sessions, my mind would wander and daydream in the future, would conjure up images of us meeting again and what we could do together.... even as mundane as what I could cook for us if he were to come to my place for dinner one night.

The mind is such a treacherous being that makes everyone of us a fool by filling our heads with imaginations and wishes that are so abstract and so wonderful. The mind is such a mastermind at trickery and deceit, conjuring up all sorts of powerful cravings and longings that mislead us into believing they are real. But it's all in the mind, and I guess I've been had. All those moments I was sitting in that monastery, in that tranquil setting of an isolated forest in the middle of nowhere, my mind was wandering around, grasping onto pleasant past experiences and projecting them into future fantasies. Fantasies that do not exist, and never will materialise.

We said we'd be in touch when I come back. It's been already a number of days since I got back. I wrote to him almost a week ago. No reply. No news at all. 

I'm not particularly sad or let down (or perhaps I'm in denial...? Another trick the mind is playing on me...) I just feel fooled by my own foolishness in letting my mind get the better of me by taking me on rich fantastical journeys filled with improbable events and unlikely scenarios. Events and scenarios that seem so real, but are in fact fictions of the mind. 

And from this I realise once again how foolish we are, and how we too often add to own suffering. Just as the Buddha taught... we live in a world where we are constantly driven and bombarded by craving (greed), delusion and dislike (hatred/aversion). Whether it's a thing, a moment in the past or future, or whether it's a person I have met only twice, the memories and experiences of the past beguile us to believe a reality that is fictitious and fake, and distract us from living in the here and now. Oh, how we really suffer because of the mean tricks the mind plays with us.... and we seem to relish and enjoy it every day with every thing we do and think about!

Restless mind

Sometimes when you have a thought or an idea ingrained in your mind, it becomes like a stain, an eyesore, an annoying itch that's difficult to get rid of. It boils and proliferates in your mind, stains all your thoughts and colours your vision in ways that are negative and infectious... And I see it happening now!

For a month or so, I opened my house to  a friend who needed a place to stay. She had just graduated, had no job and was (apparently) running short on money, and needed to move out of her old apartment as soon as possible, but had no place to go to. So I offered my spare room, and she took it. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

In the beginning it was fine, and we seemed to get along fine. We chat and hug each other every morning and just before going to bed, and occasionally even share a meal or two. Then the complaints began... first about my cat, how she sheds a lot of hair (it's a cat... cats have a lot of hair!) and makes a lot of noise. It's true that she does shed a lot of hair, but it's never bothered me (and I certainly am not going to shave my cat, as has been suggested). As for the noise... it's really bizarre that before my friend moved in, the cat rarely cried like she does now.

Then began the allegations (still unconfirmed) that my house is infested with bedbugs. Then, behind my back and through veiled references on facebook status updates, are accusations that my cat is depressed and feels abandoned because I am away during the day, or go on trips for a days at a time. I'm getting all this information (except the facebook status updates) all from secondary sources. And until I personally hear complaints and criticisms against my behaviour, my way of every day life and my treatment of my cat, I really shouldn't jump to conclusions... And this friend is known to have a schizophrenic and paranoid personality. Perhaps I should dismiss it all with: "She doesn't know any better..."

But really... you try to help someone with good intentions, and they bite back with complaints and criticisms. I don't ask for anything in return, I don't even charge any rent, but then even the amount of time I spent at home per day or behaviour of my cat is subject of gossip and scrutiny.

I'm not saying I'm all so great and kind. But I could have so easily turned my back when my friend needed help. After all, why does it concern me if she did not have a place to stay? Other people didn't seem to care too much, so why should I?

But extend a hand I did, because it's what I do, and I don't regret doing it if it gives someone the time and space to get on her feet. But instead, in return, I get a load of extra shit burden added to my life, and have to adapt my life because the way I live it is constantly being seen and judged with disapproval. Sometimes I don't even feel like I want to go home anymore... a situation that's remotely reminiscence of living together with my brother. Even the cat (I can only suspect) is more and more unhappy because she has lost the one room where she likes to go into to gaze out the window and sunbathe...

Life was so much simpler living out there in the woods, secluded from all the noise and idle gossip of everyday life and people. But I guess having come back, I should face it all and not allow these frustrations and frictions with people get to me.

With family

After the week long retreat and silence, I arrived at my relative's place. It's nice to see my cousin after almost three months, to see how they have settled and adjusted to life in Canada.

Just spent the last two hours or so helping my cousin with homework. A compulsory course he has in social studies, the text book is thick with texts and difficult terms and words that even can be challenging for a native speaker of English... and he's only been in Canada a little over a year... I could see he feels deflated and discouraged. He's the silent type, shy and not so confident in his own abilities to speak and say things... he reminds me a lot like me when I was his age, so I can imagine what is going through his mind, especially when he encounters setbacks and is thrown into a new environment where he does not know anyone and has difficult making friends, let alone understanding what the teacher is saying.

I'm here one more day... but when I'm gone, I'm gone, and he's on his own.