What kind of tree am I?

OK... a minute after finishing that previous post, I read this email forward:

WHAT TREE ARE YOU?
Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat
accurate. Then send it to your friends, including the one that sent it to
you, so they can find out what tree they fell from, but don't forget to
change the subject line to your tree. Find your tree below and see what you
are like...

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
(etc. etc. etc.)

Seeing that I'm a "Pine Tree", I scrolled down to find this:

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony,
loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poe! try, not
fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love
but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem,
needs affection and reassurance.

Made me : )

Détente

It started with a broken bike. Somehow the front wheel managed to become crooked, on the same day my brother took the bike out. After parting with an unbelievable €80 for repairs, I came home, and spoke to my brother.

He denied ever having taken the bike out, and denied having anything to do with the broken bike. I was irritated, and stormed out of the living room. Later the girlfriend came, and relayed what my brother wanted to say to me. As if that--the fact that he didn't even have the decency to talk to me directly-- added fuel to the anger, I went back to the living room, and confronted him. This poor state of affairs at home has gone on long enough.

I didn't mind much if he didn't want to pay for the bike, but I just couldn't stand this 'cold war' between us any longer. It was ridiculous, childish, and getting tiresome. At first he didn't want to talk, but the girlfriend insisted that we get things out in the open.

It felt like one of those denunciation sessions so prevalent in Maoist China. One side raised accusations of what wrongs the other had done, while the other rebutted with counter-arguments and -accusations.

So... I was accused of neglecting household chores... I retaliated by asking them wh I should have pick up the used plates and banana peels and moulding coffee mugs after them. I'm supposed to be treating this place like a hotel, and just coming home to sleep... well, I have work and I study... do you want me to stay home and be a house-maid?I was further accused of taking the bike on Saturdays which prevented them going to the supermarket... I said I can't change the fact that I work on Saturdays, and that my work requires a bike. I was said to not be taking part in their activities, and keeping all to myself in my room... I didn't deny this, but I have my reasons. Why and how do they expect me to 'be involved' when whatever I say something seems to be treted like a passing breeze? What did I ever do wrong to be treated like this? How can you justify that arrogant and condescending tone of disgust and disdain whenever my name is mentioned? I reminded him of how I cared about him having to go to the hospital recently, and how he rebuffed my concern for his health with a cold shoulder. There was no reply.

He piled argument after argument of the 'wrongs' I've done, and after a while I just accepted, and conceded. There's really no point arguing. OK, I admit I may not be completely innocent, and really have been neglecting my chores at home. OK, I really have been coming home late and going out early... I wasn't out for an argument or to make things worse. I just wanted to talk things over, to end this intolerable stalemate, and see how we could resolve this.

Eventually, the accusations stopped, and we both softened. My brother then mentioned that good-will gift he gave me for Christmas which has been sitting idly at the staircase for two weeks. On this I gave in too, and accepted his gesture. There really wasn't any need to be stubborn and refuse someone's good intentions. Nobody gains from that, and by accepting his gift, we can all have some peace and quiet and feel less animosity toward the other. And of course I stand to gain a bit more too.

So... I guess things are 'thawing'. I went for a long walk on the beach last night, sat in the sand and wind, and thought about the things said and events passed.

Some bits made me laugh, at the ridculousness and futility of some of the arguments. So many things could have been worked out before they developed into misunderstandings and tensions, had we just talked, really just talked. But because we never tried to talk things through, a lot of the frustration and intolerance has been just accumulating and waiting to explode.

Some bits made me wonder... wonder whether I handled the whole experience like the compassionate and forgiving person I hope to be, and whether I've actually learnt anything from all that meditation and teachings of loving-kindness and non-self in this past year. Why do I still get angry, irritated and have bad-feelings toward people, when I very well know some people just can't change? I'm no angle either, and in every argument there are two parties involved.

Sitting there, in total darkness, and in total isolation, I did feel something.

A little lighter.

Toys

I know he's not my son. But I love him like I've not loved anyone for a long, long time. And I don't love easily.

After studying today I went into town in the evening. The shops were still open, and I wandered around a bit, into a few department stores. Strangely, I seem to become interested in the baby section, something I never even would have thought or considered visiting. Before Sunny was born that is.

And I wandered into a toy store, stayed there for a while, glancing around, looking at toys. Something I've not done for a long time. I was reminded of the toy I bought Sunny two weeks ago... the one that got stolen, but I managed to buy again. Somehow it didn't matter how much it cost, and even though I spent the money twice, watching him play and enjoy it was worth it. Worth a whole lot more.

I stood at the baby section at the toy store, deep down wondering what I could get him next.

Deep down, thinking he deserves what I did not have.

Winter blues...

Munching on endless amounts of chocolate, feeling so drowsy and lethargic, staying in bed and under the covers, napping whenever I have the chance... It's official.

I'm having a bout of winter blues. And I can't remember the last time it was so bad. Even going out for a long, long stroll in the forest in the rain this afternoon didn't help much. The weather, the gray, overcast skies, the dim light and absence of sun. Cold, damp, depressing.

Though I did see things that make me smile temporarily. Like this:

... which reminded of the jokes that start with 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' I guess it works with geese too.

Feeling better

Had the strangest dream last night... perhaps even a nightmare. Dead zombies walking, like those in that (horrible I-don't-recommend-you-watch) movie Night of the Living Dead I watched with my mum-friend last week. These disgusting zombies would prowl the streets and bite people, and those people would in turn turn into zombies too. I was somehow immune, or at least had 'superpowers' like Neo in The Matrix... which meant I could fly and travel back and forth in time to save the world. And save the world I did.

It was pretty intense, and when I woke up I felt exhausted and still very tired, all curled up in bed. At noon.

Though, just as I thought it was going to be a(nother) lousy start to the day in the new year, things didn't turn out to be so bad. Had lunch and worked more on my paper, and made a lot of progress, which made me feel happy (and smart). I guess it may be true what they say about dreams/nightmares, and how they're supposed to be a way to 'exorcise' bad feelings and spirits from your real life.

Been working and reading a lot on war crimes, and some cases from the Yugoslav Tribunal, and others pending at the International Criminal Court. Rape, murder, mutilation, genocide, child soldiers, slavery, sexual abuse, pillage, torture... horrible, horrible accounts of what (wo)man can and do do to (wo)man.

It makes you wonder why, why in this world and in this life anyone would and could hate and hate another human being so much so as to make him/her suffer pain and trauma and death. Where do those feelings of compassion, morality, humanity, and innocence go (or hide?) when these monstrous thoughts and acts take over that compell people do commit such hideous crimes?

And as a lawyer when you read these accounts, the trials and the setences it's just something to be analysed, to be deciphered and decoded in order to get the legal principles and arguments. At times it seems as if it doesn't matter what acts were committed or what the consequences are. What matters is whether the law can punish the perpetrator, and how. It's called doing justice, where justice was infringed on, even though justice cannot undo the scars and deaths. It's called detaching yourself from the case. It's called being professional.

It's the reason why I can never be a lawyer.

Piano man

Heard Billy Joel’s ‘Piano Man’ on the radio just now, one of my favourite of all time, and made me cheer up. Life is not so bad after all…

New year's day

It's the new year. What have I been doing since 2007 begun?

At home, alone, working.

Midnight came and went last night. I meditated just before the stroke of 12, hoping to calm my mind and send good thoughts to the rest of the world. To be honest, listening and reading to the news, about all the bloodshed, destruction and death the world appears pretty hopeless. But every little bit of good and kind thought counts, I guess. Or at least I hope.

Compared to what I was feeling and wrote last year, this year really hasn’t started off too well.
Still in a low, lazy mood at the moment, and my study plans aren't going all that well. For some reason when I do something my heart is not there, and keeps wandering, keeps evading reality, even though the reality is that the exam and paper is in less than a week's time. The last time I had exams right after the so-called 'holidays' was in high school... so this really needs getting some used to again. And looking out the window this evening I realise it's a full moon. Maybe that's why I've been feeling down...

Fireworks at Taipei101

The annual New Year’s firework display at Taipei 101! I was there last year, and it’s pretty amazing to see it live! (scroll down to the bottom of the page!)

Wish for the new year...

May all beings be happy,
May all beings be peaceful,
May all beings be harmonious,
May all beings be liberated,

May all beings be filled with compassion,
May all beings be filled with loving-kindness.
May all beings be free from all kinds of suffering.

Just before the new year

I'm not sure what it is. I'm having one of those 'lazy' and 'feeling low' days today, even though outside fireworks have been exploding left and right. Four hours and counting to the new year, and usually I'd feel inspirational, hopeful and at least a little merrier, but no, not now, not this time.

It's been like this since I got back from France two days ago. The 'promises' I made to myself to get lots of studying and research done didn't go very well. Instead, I've been reading other things and piecing together this puzzle I bought for myself for Christmas. Besides that, I slept, because for some reason I still feel so exhausted from the trip.

I think part of the reason for feeling a bit down is because I can't get over feeling guilty over what I did, or rather did not do, which is accept that gift from my brother. I think it's probably offending me more than offending him, in that I feel bad rejecting his good will. I'm not angry at him, but more at myself now... And the more I think about it, I more I'm beginning to wonder why I have to be so... 'mean'. It's the new year, and why start the new year on bad terms?

I guess another reason is because I feel kind of lonely too... Usually spending new years alone at home doesn't bother me much, but this time around it somehow does. Is it because of the stories and fantasies I've been writing? The kind of warmth and love I can so easily put into words, but sadly cannot feel or be touched by. Perhaps. Perhaps...

Hm, french fries are being warmed up in the oven. I'll go stir-fry some veggies, and pour myself a glass of wine. Dinner for one.

Peace on earth

Woke up this morning to this song on the radio.
There's no better way to bid farewell to the old year, and welcome the new.

May there be peace on earth.

Morgen zal het vrede zijn
(Marco Borsato)

Door kapotgeschoten straten,

zonder vader zonder land.

Loop je hulpeloos verlaten

aan je moeders warme hand.

Als een schaap tussen de wolven,

haar bestemming onbekend.

En niemand ziet hoe klein je bent,

niemand ziet hoe klein je bent.

Morgen zal het vrede zijn.

Zal de zon je strelen.

Zal de wereld weer een speeltuin zijn,

en kun je rustig spelen.

Na de winter komt de lente,

wordt de grijze lucht weer blauw.

Maar al ben je uit de oorlog,

gaat de oorlog ooit uit jou?

Mooie ogen zijn vergiftigd,

zijn aan het geweld gewend.

En niemand ziet hoe klein je bent,

niemand zien hoe klein je bent.

Tomorrow it shall be peace

Through bullet-ridden streets,

With no father, with no country,

You helplessly walk alone,

In your mother’s warm hand.

Like a sheep between the wolves,

Its destination unknown.

And no one sees how small you are,

No one sees how small you are.

Tomorrow it shall be peace,

The sun shall caress you.

The world shall be a playground again,

And you can calmly play.

After the winter comes the spring,

The gray sky becomes blue again.

But even if you were away from the war,

Is the war ever away from you?

Beautiful eyes are poisoned,

Are used to the violence.

And no one sees how small you are,

No one sees how small you are.]

New story online!!!

A story I wrote for the Winter Anthology of Gay Authors is online! : )
The story is specially dedicated to a friend who passed away recently.

Hope you'll enjoy it, and feel free to tell me what you think!