I'm not sure what it is. I'm having one of those 'lazy' and 'feeling low' days today, even though outside fireworks have been exploding left and right. Four hours and counting to the new year, and usually I'd feel inspirational, hopeful and at least a little merrier, but no, not now, not this time.
It's been like this since I got back from France two days ago. The 'promises' I made to myself to get lots of studying and research done didn't go very well. Instead, I've been reading other things and piecing together this puzzle I bought for myself for Christmas. Besides that, I slept, because for some reason I still feel so exhausted from the trip.
I think part of the reason for feeling a bit down is because I can't get over feeling guilty over what I did, or rather did not do, which is accept that gift from my brother. I think it's probably offending me more than offending him, in that I feel bad rejecting his good will. I'm not angry at him, but more at myself now... And the more I think about it, I more I'm beginning to wonder why I have to be so... 'mean'. It's the new year, and why start the new year on bad terms?
I guess another reason is because I feel kind of lonely too... Usually spending new years alone at home doesn't bother me much, but this time around it somehow does. Is it because of the stories and fantasies I've been writing? The kind of warmth and love I can so easily put into words, but sadly cannot feel or be touched by. Perhaps. Perhaps...
Hm, french fries are being warmed up in the oven. I'll go stir-fry some veggies, and pour myself a glass of wine. Dinner for one.
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