Détente

It started with a broken bike. Somehow the front wheel managed to become crooked, on the same day my brother took the bike out. After parting with an unbelievable €80 for repairs, I came home, and spoke to my brother.

He denied ever having taken the bike out, and denied having anything to do with the broken bike. I was irritated, and stormed out of the living room. Later the girlfriend came, and relayed what my brother wanted to say to me. As if that--the fact that he didn't even have the decency to talk to me directly-- added fuel to the anger, I went back to the living room, and confronted him. This poor state of affairs at home has gone on long enough.

I didn't mind much if he didn't want to pay for the bike, but I just couldn't stand this 'cold war' between us any longer. It was ridiculous, childish, and getting tiresome. At first he didn't want to talk, but the girlfriend insisted that we get things out in the open.

It felt like one of those denunciation sessions so prevalent in Maoist China. One side raised accusations of what wrongs the other had done, while the other rebutted with counter-arguments and -accusations.

So... I was accused of neglecting household chores... I retaliated by asking them wh I should have pick up the used plates and banana peels and moulding coffee mugs after them. I'm supposed to be treating this place like a hotel, and just coming home to sleep... well, I have work and I study... do you want me to stay home and be a house-maid?I was further accused of taking the bike on Saturdays which prevented them going to the supermarket... I said I can't change the fact that I work on Saturdays, and that my work requires a bike. I was said to not be taking part in their activities, and keeping all to myself in my room... I didn't deny this, but I have my reasons. Why and how do they expect me to 'be involved' when whatever I say something seems to be treted like a passing breeze? What did I ever do wrong to be treated like this? How can you justify that arrogant and condescending tone of disgust and disdain whenever my name is mentioned? I reminded him of how I cared about him having to go to the hospital recently, and how he rebuffed my concern for his health with a cold shoulder. There was no reply.

He piled argument after argument of the 'wrongs' I've done, and after a while I just accepted, and conceded. There's really no point arguing. OK, I admit I may not be completely innocent, and really have been neglecting my chores at home. OK, I really have been coming home late and going out early... I wasn't out for an argument or to make things worse. I just wanted to talk things over, to end this intolerable stalemate, and see how we could resolve this.

Eventually, the accusations stopped, and we both softened. My brother then mentioned that good-will gift he gave me for Christmas which has been sitting idly at the staircase for two weeks. On this I gave in too, and accepted his gesture. There really wasn't any need to be stubborn and refuse someone's good intentions. Nobody gains from that, and by accepting his gift, we can all have some peace and quiet and feel less animosity toward the other. And of course I stand to gain a bit more too.

So... I guess things are 'thawing'. I went for a long walk on the beach last night, sat in the sand and wind, and thought about the things said and events passed.

Some bits made me laugh, at the ridculousness and futility of some of the arguments. So many things could have been worked out before they developed into misunderstandings and tensions, had we just talked, really just talked. But because we never tried to talk things through, a lot of the frustration and intolerance has been just accumulating and waiting to explode.

Some bits made me wonder... wonder whether I handled the whole experience like the compassionate and forgiving person I hope to be, and whether I've actually learnt anything from all that meditation and teachings of loving-kindness and non-self in this past year. Why do I still get angry, irritated and have bad-feelings toward people, when I very well know some people just can't change? I'm no angle either, and in every argument there are two parties involved.

Sitting there, in total darkness, and in total isolation, I did feel something.

A little lighter.