In perspective

Two nail bombs exploded at the end of the Boston marathon, killing three and maiming hundreds... A building in a garment factory in Bangladesh collapsed, killing almost three hundred, with hundreds more still hurried after four days... A split moment of chaos, and lives are changed forever. Some lose their limbs, other body parts, loved ones, others lose their lives.

And what am I doing beating myself up with my feelings? What am I doing wasting my life and youthful energies constantly searching for meaning and purpose without, constantly trying to fill a void that so many have told me only time will heal and fill?

Just be... Just let live and be.
And be grateful that I am alive and breathing, that I have my body and limbs, and that I can still hope and dream...

Crying

I told him what would happen when I hang up the phone.
 And it happened. I cried almost immediately, am crying now, and cannot stop....

For the second (or third?) day in a row, my ex called to check up on me. I was just getting home, didn't even have the time to put down my bag when the music in my earphones (these days I always have earphones on, to drown out the thoughts and frightening emptiness...) suddenly stopped and the ringingtone of my phone sounded. We chatted, but as always, most of the conversation was about me... (how selfish I have become indeed...)

The whole day again, I felt oppressive inside, a feeling that has not subsided even after outbursts of tears over the past few days. Oppressive and also having stomach cramps again, a sign that I am feeling very agitated and stressed... Being at the office and having to hide how I am feeling, having to put on a smile and pretend all is well is sickening, is exhausting...

After half an hour or so on the phone, my ex said he was falling asleep and wanted to go sleep. He needed to get up early in the morning, but I felt unease hanging up the phone. How selfish I was wanting to hear his voice on the phone just that little bit longer so that I can  feel lonely that little bit less? What a mess I have become to be trembling on the phone and biting my nails till they are bleeding...

Who am I to take his time? He is doing me a favour, out of good will and concern for my wellbeing in calling me, so how could I hog his time and say crazy, incomprehensible things that will sure cause him worry and probably sleeplessness?

He tried to get me to see the lighter side of things. Today in the mail I got the result of an exam I took back in January  (looking back, I went through similar pangs of anxiety, self-doubt and emotional outbursts...). I passed. I read the letter, and then put it away. My ex told me to smile, to be proud of myself and to congratulate myself that through all adversity, I still passed.

But I felt empty. What did that exam mean? What does anything mean anything anymore?
An exam won't change the world... a pass will not change my world or how I feel inside.
How I feel so empty, lonely, so very lacking in love and warmth inside...

Should I have told him? Told someone who was my everything, told someone who broke my heart and shattered my dreams how lonely I am? Should I have told him that what I most long for these days is to be loved and to love? Perhaps it is completely unfair, completely selfish of me to tell him my innermost emotions.Why him of all people? So he could understand? So I can get to feel some semblance of the care and love he gave me so long ago to make myself feel a little better? I must remind myself again and again to hold back, to resist falling back into his care again, however well intentioned he is... Because I am vulnerable, I cannot stand to be hurt and disappointed again. I have a tendency to trust too easily and to make-believe that someone cares and loves me in the same way that I do him.

But it is painful and so very difficult maintaining all these walls, especially before someone with whom you could let it all down and reveal yourself completely, emotionally and physically completely.

And perhaps this is why, after several weeks of pretending of make-believing that I am getting better, when things take a turn for the worse, I am breaking down so easily... I am longing for company and love again like never before... I am clinging onto whatever semblance of care and compassion I used to know, despite the fact that circumstances have dramatically changed and that someone has already moved on and let me go...

I am still stuck in the past, dreaming and clinging onto the dream I dreamed, clinging onto the comfort  and warmth I opened myself to relish in and enjoy, when so much has happened... when pain and death and the trauma of loss and turbulence of bereavement is spinning me around and around and making me lose control of it all...

Mother and baby

A mother is giving her baby a piece orange. The little beauty smiled and laughed at me. The mother bent down to clean the baby's face and stroke her cheeks.

In that scene there is love, motherly love, love that will never ever die. The mother looks smilingly at the baby as she played with the fruit. What is she thinking? "You're so cute... You're the centre of my world... I love you so..."

The baby girl's moves up and down as she munched on the orange. The mother stroked the girl on her head. A beautiful scene, a scene that filled me up with warm inside and caused the tears to begin trickling down my eyes.

Final letter...

I sat there trying to study, and then this morbid and horrible thought came to me...

A letter. A final letter penned by me to the world.

Is it fair or right of me to do something like this? How people who read it will hurt and cry! But with time, will they not forget and move on with their lives? Can I  do such a thing? Can I forsake my dead parents hopes and dreams and cut my life short like that?

Strangely, and perhaps completely irrationally, the image of my ex appeared before me as those morbid thoughts hijacked my mind momentarily. An image of him crying, howling and clambering on his knees toward my lifeless body... I could not cause someone so much pain... Not even if it would take away the emptiness and pain I feel deep down inside...

My mind is morbid, is too destructive and imaginative it is scary...

Breakdown

I don't know what triggered it. I got home, my sweet little cat followed me around so lovingly, I melted touching her soft fur and looking into her soft innocent eyes...

I picked up two letters. Investments I've made recently with money from my parents. I walked around my house, looked at the unwashed dishes, heard the silence, sat down on the floor. The cat came to sit with me. She rolled on her back and made this cute innocent pose... I cried.

I felt like crying almost the whole day. Something was unleashed in me, and I could not control my tears. I cried and cried. Images came back to haunt me... Images of mum at the hospital, images conjured by this meditation music I played in the hope of sitting down to collect my mind. The same music I played every single night during those final few months when mum had much trouble sleeping.

I have not think about those days, did not conjure those images for a long, long time. Somehow they all came back to me... My mind jumped to the future, to one and a half month from now, to my upcoming trip to Taiwan. I cried even more. The loneliness... The pain, the longing...

I tried to collect my mind. But I could not. All I could feel was sadness, pain, and a sense of abandonment... Who could know how I am feeling?

My ex called almost at the same time I sat on the floor and began sobbing. I did not answer. I did not want to bother him anymore than is necessary. I don't want to , don't need to, fall into that cycle of relying on him and being led to believe that there is something special there. When someone is down, when someone is vulnerable, you tend to see more than what there is, you turn to rely on support and place false hopes on the one who can provide you with comfort and with support. I fell pray to that, I cannot allow myself to fall to that again...

As I sat and cried I saw mum's face, saw her sweet and soft face. The cat eyed me and became so quiet, as if she could see how I am hurting, as if she felt it necessary to stay quiet to match the sad and down mood I am in.

I tried to stop crying, I needed to be strong. Who would like or even want to be with someone who is weak and so fragile?
But in all honesty, I do need someone by my side right now, I do pray and hope someone could hold me and calm me down... I saw faces of my friends, friends I have become so distant from, friends who nowadays find it so awkward to talk to me or approach me because they don't know or don't want to know what it feels like to see death, to talk about or deal with death and loss...

I'm sorry, mum, dad... Sorry I'm breaking down again... I must be stronger, must find my own strength within...

Heading home...

Heading home at a quarter past ten. How much did I do? I did what I did, studied till everyone at the office left, bearing the tears, braving possible outbreaks of breakdowns and my mental and physical mind falling apart.

I am somehow again in such a fragile state of mind. Was it the tears that I released yesterday? Was it the empties that were kept so heavily inside (unintentionally, though...). I feel like crying again...

I so long for someone to hold me, to touch me, to kiss me and tell me it'll all be ok.

It is moments like this that I miss mum (and dad) most. Moments when I most need encouragement. Before it was just one phone call and I could hear a reassuring voice. Mum may not fully know what I'm doing here, but at least it was a voice in which I could find solace and love. And that made me stronger, a little bit stronger... Anything, anything to get a semblance of that encouragement and love. I need it now more than ever before... Now to stop the tears from falling again...

Call to the ex

I resisted calling him, even though at times I really want to. For who understand me better than anyone else? Who knows my story and deepest emotions and secrets better than anyone else? For better or for worse, it is my ex.

I started talking about how I've been feeling, how long I've wanted to call and talk to someone, anyone. And then the tears came.

I told him how much of a failure I feel I am. He reminded me of all I have gone through and achieved in the past 18 months. Taken care of mum, accompanied her till the very end, finished my (second) graduate degree, begun a new job, did law exams, traveled to India/Nepal on a pilgrimage... All these challenging things in the most difficult of circumstances. I broke down...

I could not contain my tears and I just sobbed and sobbed. In the corner of the room was a picture of mum. It was an enlarged picture of mum dancing, one morning, the morning after I surprised visited her, when she jumped up in joy (I imagine) seeing me again. I cried even more...

How I long for company, for someone to help kill this loneliness deep inside. How I long for love... how I long to go back to Europe and spend time with my nephew. Perhaps he was the wrong person to talk to because of complications between us, but I described how seeing my brother and his son made me long for family.

I sobbed uncontrollably for a few moments. Yes, this is what I needed. The release, the unleashing of emotions and pain, the breaking down so I can remind myself I can cry and that I can feel again. Because how afraid I was being unable to feel... how afraid I was  to lose the ability to feel pain and to cry.

Surprisingly, my ex's reaction was "softer" than before when we spoke. He listened, actually listened to me instead of telling me what I should do or how I should be doing. To my surprise, he said I should maybe take a break... do something "light", stop putting pressure on myself so much. I asked him whether he has been reading up on how to talk to people who lost someone. He replied all he wants to do is listen to me...

He had to cut the conversation short, or at least it felt like it even though it had almost been an hour. I was reluctant to go, because it felt so comforting, too comforting perhaps, that someone was listening to me cry. It helped immensely, and how I wished someone could be next to me to hold me and to comfort me... how I wished this night someone could be by my side to reassure me that everything will be alright...

Bike ride

I grabbed the bike and just rode and rode. A giant loop around the island, a ride to vent my frustrations...

I rode quickly, and it felt good. The adrenaline felt liberating. I felt free, temporarily distracted and feel like I'm doing something useful.

I rode and rode and came to the place where mum and I once were. Parc Jean Drapeau, the Iron Man monument where we once walked together. I so wanted to cry... So wanted to cry, but I could not.

I don't know what was/is wrong with me... I felt this pain of sadness that I wanted to release, yet I could not. I lay on a bench and closed my eyes, let the sun warm me up...

I am so broken and am lost how long I need to go through this. I must go through this alone... Why alone? Why do I feel so terrified, so very terrified...?

Skype call

My brother called me, it has been three weeks since we last spoke...

I was groggy on the phone, partly because I just woke up, but partly because I was nervous. He asked me how I'm doing... What was I to say?

Been miserable? been and feeling like a failure waking up at noon almost every single day? Feeling so lonely? Unable to study or do anything half productive?

I saw my nephew, how cute he is, how very cute he has become. I chatted with my sister-in-law, who held my nephew in her lap. I could feel the warmth of their family, and felt my home so lacking... My home is so cold, so empty, so quiet. No wonder I always have the radio on in the background...

I felt like crying... I admitted to him, perhaps not in so much detail how horrible I've been feeling, how stressed and demotivated I am these days. He told me to get on with things, to not think about things. But I really don't. I just lack energy, I just lack motivation and drive to do anything at all. I cannot even drag myself to the desk to study, even though I know with each passing day the exams are looming nearer...

My brother told me to get on with things, just to get on with things. I wish I could. I wish I had a push, I wish I had someone to take me by the hand and drag me out of the state of depression I feel like I have fallen into... Last night I spoke to the monk, and he urged me to go see a psychiatrist, to get onto meds. I'm so reluctant... I'm dreading it, even though two people have advised me to do the same. 

I found myself fidgeting with the computer wire as brother and I chatted. Nervous. Afraid. signs of breaking down. Perhaps he could see in the way I avoided looking directly at the camera, in the way I rubbed my face again and again, in the way I pulled at my hair, what sordid state I am in right now...

He looked sadly at me, I can feel he wants to say something or do something for me, but he cannot. I long to be in their midst, long to be playing with my nephew and to be surrounded by family... Family and love. That is what I need most of all now, what I lack and long for day and night...

Dream: nonesense

I dreamed of the guy I have been seeing (well, at least in name after what happened last night...). It was such a bizarre dream, for his mother was there too. As was my late mother.

We were in an apartment, I can't say for sure which one. Perhaps it was where mum used to live in. My friend and his mother were there, happy looking, and it looked like they were getting comfortable to stay the night.

I can't remember the rest of the dream. But it was most bizarre, and in a way also nonsense and disturbing...

Spiralling...

What happens when you lose a focus, when you lose hope, when you lose control of your own life and destiny? What happens when you are afraid of failing? When you feel like you're living a lie and failing miserably to live up to expectations?

You break down... you cry and cannot see the light beyond the all-consuming darkness.

Save me... someone please see my pain and save me from myself and my own destructive thoughts...