Skype call

My brother called me, it has been three weeks since we last spoke...

I was groggy on the phone, partly because I just woke up, but partly because I was nervous. He asked me how I'm doing... What was I to say?

Been miserable? been and feeling like a failure waking up at noon almost every single day? Feeling so lonely? Unable to study or do anything half productive?

I saw my nephew, how cute he is, how very cute he has become. I chatted with my sister-in-law, who held my nephew in her lap. I could feel the warmth of their family, and felt my home so lacking... My home is so cold, so empty, so quiet. No wonder I always have the radio on in the background...

I felt like crying... I admitted to him, perhaps not in so much detail how horrible I've been feeling, how stressed and demotivated I am these days. He told me to get on with things, to not think about things. But I really don't. I just lack energy, I just lack motivation and drive to do anything at all. I cannot even drag myself to the desk to study, even though I know with each passing day the exams are looming nearer...

My brother told me to get on with things, just to get on with things. I wish I could. I wish I had a push, I wish I had someone to take me by the hand and drag me out of the state of depression I feel like I have fallen into... Last night I spoke to the monk, and he urged me to go see a psychiatrist, to get onto meds. I'm so reluctant... I'm dreading it, even though two people have advised me to do the same. 

I found myself fidgeting with the computer wire as brother and I chatted. Nervous. Afraid. signs of breaking down. Perhaps he could see in the way I avoided looking directly at the camera, in the way I rubbed my face again and again, in the way I pulled at my hair, what sordid state I am in right now...

He looked sadly at me, I can feel he wants to say something or do something for me, but he cannot. I long to be in their midst, long to be playing with my nephew and to be surrounded by family... Family and love. That is what I need most of all now, what I lack and long for day and night...