Eve of Christmas Eve

'tis the eve of the Eve before Christmas Day. For some reason, this year does not feel so special. I listen to Christmas songs on the radio, I've put up decorations with friends, I've even bought lots of food and drinks in preparation for a big feast with friends later this evening... And the snow that has stayed away till today finally fell, making it a real White Christmas...

But I don't feel the Christmas spirit. I feel blasé , uninspired, not really moved by the festivities (though the Nutcracker helped a bit to boost the feeling inside me...). It feels as if this holiday season came soon quickly, too quickly, and I do not even realise it. What have I been up to this December that Christmas just crept up on me? Traveling, working on finishing my thesis, and caught up by worries of my mother's ailing condition, agitated by fears of slowly losing my good/best friend, my ex...

I know, Christmas is a time for counting your blessing, for being thankful of all the people in your life, for having hope and dreams and wishes... And I am truly blessed in many ways, in more ways I care to remind myself of, in more ways I really actually notice living from day to day...

But this year, it just feels so dull (so far... It could all change in the coming days...). Is it because this year I completely did not spend any time or effort writing dozens of cards for friends and family around the world? Or is it because I just am so tired to get caught up buying and giving gifts?

Christmas... aside from the commercial aspects, aside from the religious roots, it's a wonderfully warm and magical season of the year. But I'm not feeling it at all this year...

Snowstorm

Braving snow and ice, I left my apartment at midnight twenty, hauling a huge purple suitcase. I' coughing badly, and have a headache, and just want to go sleep... But I'm on my way...

 Why do I do this? For a friend. And because it's probably one of the few nights i can surprise him so.

There are reasons why I shouldn't do this... For one, I don't feel comfortable sleeping at his place any more ever since he said he's "seeing someone". I just cannot relax fully knowing perhaps in the same bed my ex has been having intimate relations with another... I just don't want expose myself to more hurt, more heart ache than necessary...

And after all the help I've offered my friend, he wrote me a message today saying  I've only been there to help with the exciting fun of setting up a new home, but not there to help him with the difficult task of taking his old home apart... It hurt to hear that from him, because I've really tried and tried so hard to help him in whatever way, despite having been terribly busy (and terribly sick still) myself. But I guess he's just frustrated at the million and one things he has to do before leaving and moving away.

So here I am on the metro, on my way to his place. Purely to help a friend in need, a friend who is desperate for any help. I don't expect anything, and with the many things that are going through my ex's mind right, this little gesture may seem insignificant. But I'd do anything to help, and to show that I care.

Abuse

A harrowing report on child abuse... and this is just in the United States.

"Abused children are 74 times more likely to commit crimes against others and six times more likely to maltreat their own children..."

This begs so many questions I do not know if I can ever answer...  

Phone calls

Something is wrong. Before, mum sounded energetic on the phone, but nowadays she sounds just tired and down. It's heavy to deal with in the morning, first thing as soon as I wake up in the morning to be talking to someone who sounds so tired and unwell. Why do I call at that time? Why do I put myself through heavy conversations that more or less set the "tone" of my day...? Because I feel responsible... 
Sometimes, after speaking to her, I feel so exhausted, and I just close my eyes and go back to sleep... Because that seems to be the easiest way to blink out the heaviness, to let the aroused feelings of anguish and frustrations settle.

Today, she sounded even worse as her voice sounded very coarse. She said it was because she took some herbal medicine, which is quite concentrated, and within an hour or so of taking this medicine, she is not supposed to drink any water. But even so, hearing her voice like that wasn't reassuring, especially knowing from my uncle and aunt that mum has become visibly frailer compared to before.

I tried to cheer her up, and talk about the exciting ballet I went to see last night with friends. But mum just was tired and wanted to go to bed. My excitement was dampened, and my attempt to distract her from brooding thoughts of painkillers, pains and lethargy failed.

These days I search and search so hard to find something to cheer her up, but I cannot think of much. I myself am in need of cheering up... I myself need someone to make me laugh, make me smile...

A few more days and the gift package my friend and I made should arrive. Hopefully that will bring her renewed feelings of freshness and joy, hopefully the gifts will touch her and warm her during these cold, cold and dark Winter days...

Cold

Mum may have been found, but noticeably she sounds more frail and weaker. On the phone today she told me again that she feels personally the treatment does not seem to be working any more. "So many treatments, and I'm getting weaker and weaker..." Is there an end in sight? How much longer? How much more?

The tiredness, I hear it in her voice, I hear it in the way she talks about how her days, which mainly  consist of staying at home, watching TV and surfing the net. Even just reading takes a lot of energy, and she feels like she is losing her eyesight, and straining hard to see... When she went "missing", I called my aunt, and she said mum has really lost a lot of weight, and that she will try to spend as much time with mum as possible to make sure mum eats properly. "Because when she is alone she doesn't eat well enough..."

Mum said her feet and hands are really cold, and that another cold front is fast approaching. The other day, my ex and I were at this exposition of arts and crafts made by local artists and craftspeople, and he insisted on buying something warm for mum to wear. He actually proposed to buy slippers decked with lambs wool, but I said that it would be too warm and that she would never wear it. I said that in a way also so my friend would not have to spend so much money, especially as he has already bought a lot for mum. And the slippers were close to a hundred dollars a pair...

Funny thing, when I asked what I could send her for the new year, she said perhaps some warm slippers. How wrong I was... So earlier today I rushed to the expo again to buy the slippers, and placed it inside a box containing all sorts of goodies and gifts.

At the bottom of the pile, I included a copy of my thesis. The thesis I finally finished and dedicated to my mum. Inside, I wrote a long message, thanking her (and dad) for all the support and encouragement she has (they have) given me throughout my life. "This thesis is about preventing conflict in outer space and concern for the natural environment," I wrote, "Because these are values that you [my parents] have instilled in me since childhood."

I'm not sure what mum will think when she reads that. But with the completion of the thesis, soon the Japanese daruma doll mum bought in Japan a few years back can have one of his eyes "opened". For the completion of this degree is a life wish of hers, and I have finally been able to accomplish yet another, and make her proud.

turning away

"How can anyone turn away and not feel the least guilty?" I asked "How can anyone do that and sleep at night, knowing how much hurt has been caused?" These questions have plagued my mind for such a long time, even though I know I probably will never know the answer. Somethings will in life always remain a mystery. And you just have to accept it.

"Not everyone feels as you do. Some can switch off their feelings and get on with their lives. So should you."

Those words I knew were coming. I expected them. I too must one day learn to be smart, to turn away and not look back.

lost and found

Mum was fine. eventually after dozens of times calling, after so many people searching for her and trying to contact her, she arrived back home safe and sound.

She did go to visit her friend an enjoy many soaks in the hot springs. She had a relaxing time, time during which the reoccurring pains and sores did not bother her so much. She felt bad that so many people were looking for her and became so worried. A friend of hers, who calls everyday to check up on her, almost didn't sleep. Brother reportedly smoked a whole pack of cigarettes out of nervousness. I sat at home, trying to find things to do to distract myself, while calling and calling every hour or so... I even found flights and half packed my bags just in case I needed to fly out this morning...

I said that its all a sign that so many people care so much, and that it's special to be thought of so much. Mum said she was touched by the big international search operation, and laughed when I told her my fear that she had misled me and instead checked into the hospital for surgery. "So pessimistic!" she said of me.

I'm relieved that mum is alright. My ex came by late at night to keep me company, interrupted a date he had just to be with me. I wasn't very responsive, and was even distant and rude toward him when he came by, despite me repeatedly telling him not to. But came and stayed, and showed by being there through this episode, as difficult as it is to comprehend, how much he loves me...

I'm relieved mum is alright. A heavy heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders, and for a while after I finally saw mum on Skype I sat in bed dazed and trembling, holding tightly onto the teddy bear mum gave me... It felt like I was holding her, hugging her tightly, and not wanting to let go.

"It's like a fire drill..." This entire episode of disappearance and mobilising so many people to search for mums whereabouts felt like preparation for something. It was just false alarm this time, and at the end of the day could smile again...

But one day it'll not be just a drill but for real.

Disgusting

He told me my behaviour in recent weeks disgusts him, that at times he cannot  even bare to see me or my face. Yes, I've become extremely bitter in the past few weeks, especially ever since my return from Taiwan in October, when a day later he went off on a trip with the "guy he's seeing".

My ex told me a few weeks ago not to think too much, not to worry, to have patience. Nothing serious is going on between him and the guy he's seeing, he told me. What he said made me feel like he would at any moment turn around and say "i want to be with you". The flirtatious comments, the sleeping next to one another, the intimate moments now and then only added to that feeling.

Last night, he slept over at my place, and come morning the mood soured when he said he'd be seeing the guy he's seeing.

How can he do this and not feel at all conflicted? How can he one night lie next to me and want to have warm, beautiful hugs when the next night most likely he'll do the same with another boy? How can anybody not feel at all torn inside? Sure, I caused this, and that's what my ex will tell me when I ask him. I caused this mess, and I am very sorry for it... But at times, especially when my ex told me to have patience, to not worry, it's as if he's trying to hang onto me while he goes and tries to see if things will work out with this guy he's seeing.



I don't blame him, but myself for being so foolish, for being so silly and ignoring my friends' warnings to stay away from my ex and to avoid getting hurt.

He tells me my behaviour over the past few weeks have made it more and more difficult to like me, and has cast doubt on his mind on getting back together with me.

I agree... I have been a vile and disgusting creature, driven by jealousy, possessiveness (even though I don't own him at all, even though I have no control over his heart and his mind...). I have descended to such vile depths to taken a little man from his apartment, an incident that caused him much distress and later disappointment... What have I become? How has this entire episode, the lingering relationship and tattered friendship between my friend and I  turned me into a monster driven by bitterness and frustration? I have only myself to blame, and I look at myself and feel vile and disgusted, ugly and unlovable...

I know I caused all the mess, I know I cannot lament anyone, for we could have had it all were it not for my holding back and hesitations. And the past few weeks, my feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and frustration are pointing to one thing... He's not worth it. He's not worth me beating myself up and feeling so poorly about myself when in the background is mum's ailing condition (and today sudden disappearance...). He has been there to support me, to hold me and to make me strong when I most need someone... But now he just somehow makes me feel weaker, more scattered and mote insecure about myself than ever before. Before he was a source of strength, now he's somehow become a drain on my energy and happiness... And it's so sad, so very sad to see that happening, to see us, best friends, descend and slide seemingly to distant friends who because of the feuds and unresolved issues, are becoming more and more distant.

It's me, it's not him. I care about him still deeply, perhaps too much, and I want him to be happy. But more and more, through our arguments, my sudden turns of "bitch*ness" as he terms it, my lashing out, feelings of bitterness and frustrations are irritating my mind and senses, taking over my thoughts and waking moments....

And it is so ugly, so very, very ugly to be and feel this way...
I can hardly recall when I have ever felt so ugly and deflated...

Nutcracker

I was lured into dressing up for the evening. So I excitedly put on my suit, a nice tailor made shirt and a classy tie to go with it, thinking we're all going out to a fancy restaurant.

Making sure I was ontime, because my friend said the table would only be kept for us for fifteen minutes, I left home a bit early and arrived with minutes to spare. Once in a while, especially at this very special period of the year, it's ok to "splash out" and splurge. Even though I was a bit taken aback by how much the dinner would cost so I still went. Besides, I've not really "celebrated" since handing in my thesis.

My friends arrived, and my ex handed us all a piece of paper. I was puzzled... Weren't we going to dinner? I didn't eat much for lunch thinking there'd be a fancy feast at night. Instead in my hand was a ticket to see Casse-Noissete (the Nutcracker)...

I was a bit dazed, a bit surprised to have been deceived into thinking and preparing for  something, but it turned out to be something else. I guess it's only fair that I play tricks and try to pull off big surprises on my ex, so he's "paying me back" with an unexpected surprise of his own. Funny thing was, some time ago I  actually asked if he wanted to go with me to watch the ballet, but he was non committal. And I wanted to surprise him by just buying him a ticket to go together, and  were I not in a hurry today, I would have probably got the ticket...

The performance was beautiful, simply magical. As a child, I listened to the Nutcracker story over and over again. The picture  book I read and re-read till the pages were torn at the sides. I can still picture the tin soldier and the ballerina, how they waltzed and danced late into the night...

Later on, for a period of time during my university years, I would get lost in the tsaikovsky's grand compositions whenever I rode the tube. I know the music through and through, and it has been forever it feels since I last saw the performance live on stage.

The costumes were bright and colourful, the decor warming and fairy-tale like. I was soon pulled in, and like a friend said, reliving the dreams and fantasies of a little child who could dance and play with soldiers and ballerinas. The music, the dance, the swift, agile movements and steps. I was absorbed by the performance, touched by that magical, magical spirit of Christmas I have found ao lacking this year...

Still missing..

Almost  24hrs since I last spoke to mum, since anyone in the immediate range of friends and relatives spoke to mum.

Still out of contact.

If I cannot get a hold of her by morning, I'm flying out.

missing in action

I last spoke to mum at around 11am Taiwan time. She said she was just about to head out, after complaining of severe sores and aches from the latest treatment. It has been three days, but because of the cold weather she said the recovery is taking longer, and she's not been able to exercise and get the toxins out.

So she said she'd go visit a friend in the east of the country, where hot springs come out of the tap. The warm water and being in the countryside will do her good, she said. I thought not much of it, but did find it bizarre that she would go travel so soon after her latest treatment, especially as it's a time for recovery... And she seemed eager to get off the phone for some reason...

I woke up and tried calling her mobile phone to see whether she arrived ok. It was nine and again ten at night, her time, when I tried. But neither times did the call get answered.

I thought she was asleep. But brother called me around noon (one in the morning Taiwan time) and said mums gone missing. A search campaign was began, and several messages on Facebook Walls of mum's best friend and her brother reveal the extent of the worry. Mums been incommunicado since at least 4 in the afternoon her time. People have been trying yo call and get a hold of her, but the mobile is not picked up.

Did she not bring it with her? Did she have it on silent? Nobody knows. From her friends to her relatives, everyone has been trying to locate her and find out whether she's alright. An auntie who calls mum everyday has been extremely concerned, as she mentioned on my brother's facebook page that mum has complained of severe pains over the past few days... And after a hiatus of over two years, suddenly last week, mum's youngest sister went to visit her and stay with her. More and more, I noticed that over the past few weeks mum has been quiet on her condition, perhaps because she did not want to worry me while I've been busy trying to finish off my thesis...

 Brother said he was extremely anxious the whole afternoon. I am seeing terrible premonitions of mum... In my mind, I imagine grabbing my suitcase and going... Sick, sick with worry... And I'm so tired, so very very tired. Just when I thought I could relax a bit after finishing my thesis, after a long weekend of helping my friend set up his apartment, this suddenly happens.

It could all just be false alarm, an overreaction... Perhaps mum is all well and fine and enjoying herself with her friend.  But mum usually has her phone with her, and would even pick up late at night... But so far she's completely disappeared and concerns are mounting...

What if she checked into the hospital to have surgery...?

What if something happened to her in her way to her friend's place?

What if, what if...

If only I could know...

Hiding...

On the way home to montreal, a long weekend helping my ex move to his new town of toronto.

A busy three days of moving, furniture-buying and -building. I was glad I could help in little ways, help him make his new apartment feel more like home.

When he first went to collect the keys to his new place about two weeks ago, it was a completely empty apartment. On the first night, my ex had to sleep on the floor. Save for three suitcases of clothes and personal items (including a collection of stuffed animals) there really were just four bare walls. Secretly, as part of a series of his birthday surprises, sent him a "welcome home" card, actually expedited it to ensure that it would arrive on the day he first enters the apartment. In it I hoped that he would soon feel at home in his new home, and hoped he would soon make new friends and happy memories so that he does not feel so lonely in the new city. He said that card made him cry... As it was also his birthday on that day, inside his suitcase I hid a nice blanket mum bought and wanted to gift him. That night he slept using the blanket. Just little touches, little surprises to make his feel special, because he is special to me...

That's also the reason why I worked so hard, and with help from his parents and friends, to make him a scrapbook to constantly, and hopefully always, remind him of who he is and yo never loose sight of who he is

After this weekend of furnishing the place shelves an essentials (and finally his bed was delivered), the place really does looks more and more like a home. I helped him put up his fridge magnets, a collection from all the places he's been to, some of which were with me. That was a memorable moment, just the two of us sitting on the floor and putting up magnets, recalling trips we've been on together.

Helping him move was an experience of mixed feelings. I'm really glad I can help him settle down, place some personal touches here and there so that when he finally moves in at the beginning of the year, it'll have a familiar, personalised, feel to the place. It's important, especially moving to a new city, starting a whole new career and whole new life,  to have something to remind yourself with memorabilia and gifts of where you came from. .

One such gift that went up on the shelf is  a wood carved toy canoe with two little figurines inside, which I gave my ex last year. It's a symbolic gift, at the time representing the hope of us being together and 'sailing' on the currents of life.  At the bottom of the canoe I wrote in black marker pen "Life is best sailing together" (or something along those lines). It's also a gift I sent my brother and my sister-in-law for their engagement.

Seeing that canoe brought sour feelings to my heart. I don't know why I had the urge to take the little figurine that was supposed to represent me out and keep it. Was it feelings of bitterness lingering from our past? Was it out of vengeance?

No... Seeing "me" in that canoe just felt so wrong, so out of place. I do not belong there in that canoe anymore. time and time again I am seeing signs of that, time and time again seeing my friend so eagerly want to contact the guy he's seeing, just makes me feel that little wooden figurine is  best replaced by another (or perhaps already has been replaced by another...)

My ex was distraught when he realised that one figurine went missing. "Where's my man?" he kept on asking. At one point he appeared to be tearing. I told him to look around a bit more, because the man I had taken and put it inside a bag. I know, it was mean of me, terribly mean...  But I was lost why it mattered so much. I do not belong in that canoe anymore. I don't...

I asked him why that missing figurine means so much. And he said it was very a symbolic gift of he and I. And he said  the figurine going "missing" is a bad omen that he'll be all alone in the town he's going to live in. I assured him, he has friends, a wonderful apartment with everything he needs, and a new job and start of a successful career is waiting for him. Why does a "missing" figurine matter so much?

 At times during the last two days, my was saying things as if he wants me to move to Toronto, and yo actually move into his apartment. I don't know if it's just him being playful (and somewhat insensitive to my feelings...), but I don't see how he can even propose that given that we're broken up... I sometimes really don't understand him at all, and he confuses me with such strange outbursts of cute names he started using to call me when we (officially) began going out.  It's strange to feel this way, and he told me that it hurts when I tell him that the way he behaves around nowadays feels like he's playing a game with me.

Two more weeks and he will be gone, will have moved away to a different city. Two more weeks and it would become harder for us to see each other whenever we  want to, whenever we feel the need to seek and find solace in each others arms.

Time will tell what will happen to us, if there is still an "us" to speak of. Time will tell whether the distance and time apart will break us or bring us closer to knowing what we mean, what we really mean, to one another in one another's lives.

A whole new beginning

Sometimes you see signs, hints and clues telling you to move on. When the whole world is moving on, is changing and advancing forward, why don't you? Why can't you? "Keep calm, and carry on", as the British famously coined the phrase during the last world war to soothe the national fears and boost morale. So too must I be calm, look forward and just carry on as if nothing much matters.. Not the prospect of death, not the premonition of loss or impending fears of loss and uncertainty, not even fear itself matters... Carry on, move on, and take life, and the people you encounter in it, as they come and go...