it is done

It is all (almost) over. Two, three days of long hours, yesterday, save for the hour and a half or so, I almost completely went without sleep. My ex came by to encourage me, despite the heavy argument we had earlier. He slept in my room while I worked. From one till three, a little break, then pushed on till eight, when he got up and made me breakfast. He didn't want me to do a thing, and even did the dishes (which he rarely has done). I was taken aback by what he was doing for me, despite the poisonous words I uttered to hurt him earlier, intentionally or not...

I feel like a complete zombie at this moment. This moment should be the happiest in a long time, but it just feels bland and mundane. I cannot even lift my lips to smile, to laugh, let alone muster the mood to celebrate. And I'm ill on top of this.

This is the moment I've been waiting and working toward for two long years, delay after delay. And it's finally come. Even my supervisor was pleased, and through the secretary I learned that he has been commending ny work behind me. It may explain why my supervisor has been so eager to talk to me about getting me involved in some projects...

Thesis is finished, work projects ahead... And yet my heart is heavy, and my head feels dizzy. The lack of sleep has to do with it, of course, but I think it's more than that... Even in the midst of treatment, even when she was feeling extremely unwell and sick, mum was encouraging and kept on saying how proud she was of me. That was very painful.

This thesis I dedicated to my mum, and there is a paragraph in the acknowledgements about her. It is for her that I've been working hard. It is for her that I've been staying up so late at night (even when she tells me it's so unhealthy to stay up late and not sleep...) I know this thesis is as meaningful for me as it is for mum. Because it is a life wish of hers to see me finish, to see me graduate, and hopefully to see me start something new and do something with my life.

And now it is done, all done. Yet deep down I feel so terribly, terribly empty inside. How I wish I could share my feelings with someone close...