Silence

The first time we properly spoke in a few days, and there were many silent moments. I kept asking mum if anything was up, but she did not say much, only that things are as usual. The weather has been cold because of a cold front, and she has not really gone out for some days. A friend invited her to stay over in the countryside and to have a soak in the hot spring, but mum declined. Not too keen on traveling, she explained. I told her about my recent trip, and at one point she said she was tired and wanted to sleep, so I said good night, and like always, told her to take good care, and to keep warm at night.

Later, my cousin and I skyped for a while (for she is preparing for an exam and interview in English, and needed to practise...). She said that last week there was a family gathering (which mum had told me about), and she saw my mum at the event. It was the first gathering of mum's immediate family in a long, long time, and there were a number of pictures taken to capture the joy and rare moments of being together. Six siblings, sitting at a table. Mum is the oldest of them all, and sat down, flanked on either side by her two sisters. Behind them are my uncles, mum's brothers. They had beautiful and natural smiles on their faces.


They have all aged over the years, naturally. Mum sat in the middle of it all. In some pictures there was a smile, in others she looked tired (or maybe she was just caught offguard?) My cousin said mum looked visibly thinner before she showed me the pictures. And when I did see the pictures, I noticed that too. Was it because I had the preconception that mum looks thinner now that I saw her as looking thinner in the pictures, or did she really loose weight?  A week or so ago, I asked her how much she weighed, she told me she hasn't weighed herself for a while. A little afraid perhaps, but she did mention that she feels she has lost some weight.

Unexpectedly, seeing mum's smile, seeing her sunken face and grey hair, I started to cry... I know old age and death are inevitable in life, but despite their inevitability, they still cause hurt when you see it manifest on the face and hair of the one you care about and love dearly. Perhaps mum did not have such a good night, or perhaps she was tired from traveling to reunite with her family, but in some pictures, her tiredness can be seen. Is that the tiredness of traveling or not sleeping well, or the tiredness caused by something else? Five (or has it been six?) chemo sessions over the past ten weeks or so. That can wear anyone down, that can torture the human spirit, however strong minded and bodied someone is.

I cried partly also because I had the privilege of meeting and holding my nephew for the first time a few days ago. So far, three months after my nephew's birth, mum has only been able to 'meet' him and watch him from a distance. As much as my nephew's little moves and little noises keep my mum going, smiling and laughing, I know deep down how she would give anything to hold my nephew. Because she told me... told me how much she longs to see her grandson in person, to hold him in her arms... Imagine, just imagine, what joy, what beautiful, simple joy that would bring to mum's heart.

I cried because one day when I was alone with my brother, he quietly told me his fear, a fear that I too shared. "I'm afraid mum may not be able to hold [my nephew]" he told me.

Mum has grown visibly weaker over the last two weeks, and more chemotherapy treatments are planned in the coming months. How long can she hold on? How many pictures can I post on her facebook page to cheer her up and surprise her and make her smile and laugh...?