Be happy...
Be well...
26 November 2011
Sunken
I woke up groaning and shuddering. A dream left me heaving for breath and left my mind agitated for the rest of the day. I saw dad, the first time in months, or perhaps over a year. He was standing there, in the middle of town (The Hague was it?) waiting for me. He looked the same, wore this beige jacket he used to have, the one with a blue rim. He was looking for me, and what relieve dad's face showed when he saw me approach him in a hurry. There was his beautiful smile... The smile I still remember, the smile I can only remember, but will never be able to see again...
Earlier in the dream, I was at a store. A fish vendor's, where I remember I purchased some fish and shellfish. It was the shellfish that really tipped the balance (so to speak), and the grand total came to some 300Euros (another indication why it was probably in The Hague). I was shocked, even though I really wanted to buy it. Did I want to buy it for my dad to eat? I knew at the time dad was waiting for me, hoping to see me soon, and I did not want to disappoint him or keep him waiting. But I was anxious too, agitated. So much money just for a few grams of shellfish... was it worth. I was protesting to the vendor, but s/he did not really bother listening and said I must buy it. I must buy it because s/he already weighed it for me...
The next scene was downtown, the scene with dad. The very scene that made me wake up disturbed and agitated....
For the rest of the day, I felt like that. My friend eventually came to stay the night. But there was a lot of back and forth. I was making it difficult to get close. He just wanted a simple evening together, to fall asleep together like we used to do. But I was making issues out of everything, making him upset, making him sigh and loose patience with me. And it continued like that for much of the day...
I felt so down, sunken even, like my mind and my mental state are going wild and out of control. I could feel the depressing drag me. I could see myself being pulled down, down, down... I cried, my thoughts jumped from my mum's condition to the deep sense of abandonment since my ex left me... I felt my world collapsing, and that realisation dragged me deeper and deeper down into a terrible spiral of depression and self-pity. I felt I was so ugly, so destructive, so unpleasant and toxic to be around, and it was having a negative impact on my ex.
I asked him why he was still hanging around me... why he was still with me when he could be with the person who he is seeing, who makes him so happy and laugh? Why would he want to be with me, someone who makes him cry, makes him feel bad about himself and who wants to constantly, it seems, drag old things out of the closet and shake around and stir up a mess? Is it because deep down I'm a masochist who likes to wallow in pain and grief, and will not rest until everyone around me is brought down with me?
How selfish of me... terribly, terribly selfish of me...
But deep inside, I feel this growing, growing sense of loneliness and emptiness I cannot seem to fill...
It is done
My ex tells me he is having such a difficult time right now, predominantly because work has not been going well for him. I tried to support him, to bring him little surprises when he is in the library, and sometimes sit around him so he can feel encouraged to work hard. But it does not seem enough.
Friday night, and we went to a friend's place for dinner and a little get together. All of us sitting around the table, and now and then he checks his phone, and starts to tap away. At one point he receives a call and had to get up and move to the next room to call.
Originally, we just wanted a quiet evening in with friends. And it somehow just turned sour. I know the problem is with me. Because I can't stand the fact that he is "seeing someone" and yet wants to do all the things we used to do, still be so close and intimate (though over the past week, the level of intimacy has diminished greatly...). If he is "seeing someone", why does he still want to come over to my place to stay the night?
I asked him what is troubling him, what is so wrong with his life. He went quiet. Am I pressuring him too hard? Am I being unfair to him? I am trying the best I can to be his support, to be his friend, but sometimes I question why when he is seeing someone? Isn't that someone supposed to provide all that love and care and support that he needs? Why does he still need it from me, the ex?
It may have sounded harsh, but I said to him if there is anyone who is sad, it should be me. It's been on my mind a while now, and I finally said it. He has this special friend he is seeing, and he has a best friend who tries and tries to cheer him up when he is down. He has the best of everything. Yet he is not content for some reason. Why? He has someone he can sleep with and fall asleep comfortably next to at night, and he has me who is so willing to help him and alleviate his pain and fears in whatever way... and yet he does not seem happy.
I know I make an issue of things, I know that I make life difficult for him by raising all these issues... but sometimes I feel like he just wants to laugh and have a good time and pretend that nothing ever happened between us, pretend as if everything can just go back to normal, when in fact he is causing a lot of the difficulties himself by wanting to be someone else and still want to keep me on the side.
Am I so selfish? Am I angry at him? Am I playing the bitter victim? I don't know... But how does he expect him to just stay around, and tell me that things used to be easier before, tell me that he misses the "old" me, when he suddenly turns around one day in the middle of our relationship and say he can't go on and wants to be with someone else? Sure I caused much of this mess in the first place, he tells me that,he reminds me of that... But how can you imply to someone that things were so happy before when someone has gone through so much hurt and a painful heartbreak?
I really don't know what he wants from me... I really don't know what he wants, what he is looking for. And he tells me it would hurt him if I just turn cold on him. But maybe that's exactly what I should do, as some of my friends have suggested. Just turn cold on him, just have less or no contact with him. Just let him be, let him be happy and unconfused in his new love affair. That would be less trouble, less worry for everyone, instead of going day to day having these ups and downs and pendulum swings of emotions from my side because I cannot control at times feeling so hurt and so disappointed by what is happening. Again, I ask the question... how can he be so happy, how can he just want to smile and laugh and go back to good ole times of just being friends and pretend everything is alright between us...?
Friday night, and we went to a friend's place for dinner and a little get together. All of us sitting around the table, and now and then he checks his phone, and starts to tap away. At one point he receives a call and had to get up and move to the next room to call.
Originally, we just wanted a quiet evening in with friends. And it somehow just turned sour. I know the problem is with me. Because I can't stand the fact that he is "seeing someone" and yet wants to do all the things we used to do, still be so close and intimate (though over the past week, the level of intimacy has diminished greatly...). If he is "seeing someone", why does he still want to come over to my place to stay the night?
I asked him what is troubling him, what is so wrong with his life. He went quiet. Am I pressuring him too hard? Am I being unfair to him? I am trying the best I can to be his support, to be his friend, but sometimes I question why when he is seeing someone? Isn't that someone supposed to provide all that love and care and support that he needs? Why does he still need it from me, the ex?
It may have sounded harsh, but I said to him if there is anyone who is sad, it should be me. It's been on my mind a while now, and I finally said it. He has this special friend he is seeing, and he has a best friend who tries and tries to cheer him up when he is down. He has the best of everything. Yet he is not content for some reason. Why? He has someone he can sleep with and fall asleep comfortably next to at night, and he has me who is so willing to help him and alleviate his pain and fears in whatever way... and yet he does not seem happy.
I know I make an issue of things, I know that I make life difficult for him by raising all these issues... but sometimes I feel like he just wants to laugh and have a good time and pretend that nothing ever happened between us, pretend as if everything can just go back to normal, when in fact he is causing a lot of the difficulties himself by wanting to be someone else and still want to keep me on the side.
Am I so selfish? Am I angry at him? Am I playing the bitter victim? I don't know... But how does he expect him to just stay around, and tell me that things used to be easier before, tell me that he misses the "old" me, when he suddenly turns around one day in the middle of our relationship and say he can't go on and wants to be with someone else? Sure I caused much of this mess in the first place, he tells me that,he reminds me of that... But how can you imply to someone that things were so happy before when someone has gone through so much hurt and a painful heartbreak?
I really don't know what he wants from me... I really don't know what he wants, what he is looking for. And he tells me it would hurt him if I just turn cold on him. But maybe that's exactly what I should do, as some of my friends have suggested. Just turn cold on him, just have less or no contact with him. Just let him be, let him be happy and unconfused in his new love affair. That would be less trouble, less worry for everyone, instead of going day to day having these ups and downs and pendulum swings of emotions from my side because I cannot control at times feeling so hurt and so disappointed by what is happening. Again, I ask the question... how can he be so happy, how can he just want to smile and laugh and go back to good ole times of just being friends and pretend everything is alright between us...?
25 November 2011
24 November 2011
Empty
Suddenly I felt empty, and lonely, inside. Why? Why was i feeling this way? Why was I, perhaps, being made to feel this way?
My ex and I spent the night together. I surprised him with a prepared dinner at the library, where he's been studying and trying to get the first, and most difficult, chapter of his thesis done. He told me he's been having a challenging time, and how he felt really down, so I thought what better way to cheer him up than with a nice healthy meal and some company.
It was a lovely dinner, with soup, fried noodles, dessert and fruit. We joked and chatted, and it reminded me of those early days when I was working late in the library and how he brought me food a couple of times, completely unannounced. I remember being very touched that someone cared so much about me, cared enough about me to go through trouble of cooking for me. And now, I'm happy I can do it to him.
We studied a bit, and at the end of the night he said he wanted to do something light. Ended upat my place, where we watched some tv, and generally had a pleasant evening.
Bedtime. He wanted to sleep with me, or at least next to me. But I could not. I wanted to, longed to so much, but a part of me resisted because deep inside I felt it so "unfair". He's not with me, he's "seeing someone" (as he puts it...), so why should he want to sleep next to me? Why should he have the privilege of my warmth and my body when he can get all that and more from whom he's seeing? He left me, left me wanting, left me longing, in pursuit of his happiness, but why does he still want to maintain that degree of intimacy with me? Is not the guy he is seeing not enough? And besides, I cannot resist lying next to him from getting "excited" and wanting more than just lying next to him...
So we went to bed alone, and I slept relatively alright. Come morning he come to lie next to me in bed, but u shifted away from him, even though the smell of his body, the comfort of his touch and arms around me was too enticing. again, my mind was asking the same question... He just wants to go back to being friends because he's "seeing someone", but why does he still want to lie next to me and get into a situation where we both know is so beautiful, so wonderful, so fulfilling, and yet also confusing at the same time? He made his choice, and when you make a choice, you gain something, you lose something. Hopefully, we don't live to regret the choices we make, and hopefully, you gain more than you lose...
On the platform as we waited for the metro, I began to feel the loneliness simmer and develop. There he was, sitting right next to me. We were once together, not long ago, but now there is a growing rift between us. We had it all, we were happy, strong, beautiful together. At least for me. But now there is just this friendship that is being tested, there are these lingering feelings so strong, so beautiful yet which make me feel so wrong to have them, to indulge in them, because from what I can see, I seem to be the one who has these feelings.
I felt empty, but we will part ways, he will go do his thing, I will go do mine. At night I will go home, feeling empty, feeling like I once had something but now it is gone. And is he really happy deep inside? Is he really happy now he is "seeing someone"...? Does he know how much what he is doing to me hurts me, cuts me so deeply? I sleep at night, feeling empty and lost, I wake up disturbed and tired.
I wish I could just turn away, shut him out of my life, but he tells me again and again how that will hurt him... I need a break, or at least some kind of distraction.
My ex and I spent the night together. I surprised him with a prepared dinner at the library, where he's been studying and trying to get the first, and most difficult, chapter of his thesis done. He told me he's been having a challenging time, and how he felt really down, so I thought what better way to cheer him up than with a nice healthy meal and some company.
It was a lovely dinner, with soup, fried noodles, dessert and fruit. We joked and chatted, and it reminded me of those early days when I was working late in the library and how he brought me food a couple of times, completely unannounced. I remember being very touched that someone cared so much about me, cared enough about me to go through trouble of cooking for me. And now, I'm happy I can do it to him.
We studied a bit, and at the end of the night he said he wanted to do something light. Ended upat my place, where we watched some tv, and generally had a pleasant evening.
Bedtime. He wanted to sleep with me, or at least next to me. But I could not. I wanted to, longed to so much, but a part of me resisted because deep inside I felt it so "unfair". He's not with me, he's "seeing someone" (as he puts it...), so why should he want to sleep next to me? Why should he have the privilege of my warmth and my body when he can get all that and more from whom he's seeing? He left me, left me wanting, left me longing, in pursuit of his happiness, but why does he still want to maintain that degree of intimacy with me? Is not the guy he is seeing not enough? And besides, I cannot resist lying next to him from getting "excited" and wanting more than just lying next to him...
So we went to bed alone, and I slept relatively alright. Come morning he come to lie next to me in bed, but u shifted away from him, even though the smell of his body, the comfort of his touch and arms around me was too enticing. again, my mind was asking the same question... He just wants to go back to being friends because he's "seeing someone", but why does he still want to lie next to me and get into a situation where we both know is so beautiful, so wonderful, so fulfilling, and yet also confusing at the same time? He made his choice, and when you make a choice, you gain something, you lose something. Hopefully, we don't live to regret the choices we make, and hopefully, you gain more than you lose...
On the platform as we waited for the metro, I began to feel the loneliness simmer and develop. There he was, sitting right next to me. We were once together, not long ago, but now there is a growing rift between us. We had it all, we were happy, strong, beautiful together. At least for me. But now there is just this friendship that is being tested, there are these lingering feelings so strong, so beautiful yet which make me feel so wrong to have them, to indulge in them, because from what I can see, I seem to be the one who has these feelings.
I felt empty, but we will part ways, he will go do his thing, I will go do mine. At night I will go home, feeling empty, feeling like I once had something but now it is gone. And is he really happy deep inside? Is he really happy now he is "seeing someone"...? Does he know how much what he is doing to me hurts me, cuts me so deeply? I sleep at night, feeling empty and lost, I wake up disturbed and tired.
I wish I could just turn away, shut him out of my life, but he tells me again and again how that will hurt him... I need a break, or at least some kind of distraction.
23 November 2011
Patient
Just got off the phone with my second "client" (it sounds strange to call them that, as I'm just a volunteer...). I don't know why I was almost moved to tears.
She sounded like a lovely lady, soft spoken and a little worried about her upcoming appointment. She was nervous about missing the appointment, for it is an extremely important one, one in which she will do scans and take samples of her lungs. They found black 'spots' in them, and the fear is that it may be malignant...
Hearing that, I was moved. She reminded me a little of my mum, and part of the reason why I want to give up my time to help others... because I can't help my mum, at least I can do what I can to help those who need help.
Even though I was moved and almost tearing, I braced myself, and told her: "Please don't think too much. Let's just see how things go. Please don't worry too much." I hope my words reassured her, for sometimes, even though I've never met her, even though I don't know her at all, the words of a complete stranger can be comforting and reassuring.
"See you Monday," I said. And she was ever so grateful, even though I have not done anything at all yet.
She sounded like a lovely lady, soft spoken and a little worried about her upcoming appointment. She was nervous about missing the appointment, for it is an extremely important one, one in which she will do scans and take samples of her lungs. They found black 'spots' in them, and the fear is that it may be malignant...
Hearing that, I was moved. She reminded me a little of my mum, and part of the reason why I want to give up my time to help others... because I can't help my mum, at least I can do what I can to help those who need help.
Even though I was moved and almost tearing, I braced myself, and told her: "Please don't think too much. Let's just see how things go. Please don't worry too much." I hope my words reassured her, for sometimes, even though I've never met her, even though I don't know her at all, the words of a complete stranger can be comforting and reassuring.
"See you Monday," I said. And she was ever so grateful, even though I have not done anything at all yet.
22 November 2011
50/50
I can't remember the last time I cried so much at a movie. So very much at moments I had to take off my glasses. Not because the movie is so sad... but because it is so true, so very real.
The movie is (despite the subject matter) a comedy, based on the true life story of a 27 year old diagnosed with a severe and rare form of spinal cancer. It describes his struggle to face up to the fact that, even though he is a non-smoker, even though he runs, even though he lives a healthy lifestyle (except, perhaps, for the nail biting...), he may be dying. The chances of survival are 50/50, which as his optimistic friend tells him the odds are in his favour if he were gambling.
But cancer is not just about surviving. It is about having and living with the cruel knowledge that your days may be numbered, which may make you want to live life to the fullest, or make you want to die ever so quickly quickly and painlessly. Cancer is about fighting with life for life, about trying to escape despair and death, and about all the sickness, fatigue, lethargy, about throwing up over a toilet bowl late at night, hair loss, emotional anguish and fears that accompanies every chemo as you limbo and languish between life or death...
At one point, the protagonist locks himself and screams, and screams, and screams while banging his hands and head against the driving wheel like a madman. I closed my eyes and allowed the tears to flow so naturally, so effortlessly... Because I know, this invisible yet debilitating and often deadly disease has so much power over your mind, over your body that it is maddening... I've seen it in my mum, I've seen it in dad...
Numbness, anger, rejection, frustration, despair... these are things a shrink will tell you are "perfectly normal" emotions to have. The shrink will tell you to let them out, will tell you it's all part of the process of 'dealing with it' and healing. But the feelings, emotional pains and outbursts of a person faced with the knowledge that he may not be around much longer cannot be labelled, charted, categorised or noted in some scientific research for study and discussion. It is patients we are talking about, human beings with hopes and dreams, plans and promises made to loved ones. How can anyone possibly feel what the patient is feeling, let alone even try to comfort and console the person?
"You'll feel better and don't worry and this is all fine and it's not," the main character points out at one point. Do half lies hurt or help more than perhaps telling someone straight in the face the truth that you will die? Life and death, lies and the truth, anger and appreciation, being optimistic and being pessimistic... Often there is but two possibilities, 50/50 if you will, and it is up to you to choose to believe or indulge in either. "You can't change your situation. The only thing that you can change is how you choose to deal with it..."
Cancer is not just about the patient, for it is a dreadful illness that touches and hurts the lives and hearts of family and friends. The pain of a mother who has to see a child suffer is immeasurable, and having to see your loved one battle the side-effects of chemo and being so helpless to take away the pain and nausea is extremely testing and at times simply too, too much to handle. How can you help alleviate the suffering? How hard must you pray so that even the heavens and gods will be moved? How deeply and intensely must you make a wish so that the tumour will stop growing, stop multiplying, so that the emotional and physical fatigue on your loved one's face will simply, miraculously one day just go away..?
The many scenes at the hospital were simply too much for me to bear... The corridors filled with cancer patients and sobbing relatives, the chemo ward with faux leather armchairs and IV drips, the intimidating CT scan machines, the colourful mural and paintings in vain attempts to brighten up the drab heaviness of the cancer ward... Even now, as the images replay in my head, I am brought to tears. Louder now that I am away from the ears of the faceless public, sobbing more visibly now that I am away from the concerned, sympathetic eyes of my friends (especially of my ex...).
Why did I become so emotional? Why did tears just flow and flow and flow seemingly incessantly whenever I saw the cancer ward with its pale patients with bald heads? Why did I start trembling when the doctor pointed to the picture of a large lump pressing against the spinal column? My face became soaked and salted, my nose kept on running and sniffing. I had to swallow hard and grind my teeth together to numb the pain the images invoked inside...
There was only one word that echoed...
Mum...
Mum...
Mum...
The spinal cancer in the movie reaches a point where surgery is the only option. An extremely risky operation, that if unsuccessful will have severe consequences on the patient's chance of recovery and survival. It was a movie, but all too real, all too close to my heart. In those final moments, as he sat in bed and said goodbye to his father and mother, I just could not continue watching. I rested my head on the wall, closed my eyes and cringed. It simply felt like such a raw premonition of what may one day happen with mum...
Would I make it home to hold her, hug her, to tell her I love her so very, very much no matter what happens? Would I be able to hold my tears in? Would I be able to calmly sit and wait, and wait, and wait for the surgeon to come out and reveal the news...? There were no answers but just tears, the incessant, liberating yet painful feel and flow warm tears streaking down both my cheeks.
The movie was not just the (perhaps much dramatised and sanitised) story of one young man and his fight and triumph against cancer. It was, despite my tears, a beautiful movie, and, again despite my crying, one I do not regret watching. True, touching, perhaps somewhat too Hollywoodistic in some of the portrayals and the ending, but still beautiful and very accurately depicts the life, struggles, conflicts and precious little moments of bonding and laughing that cancer patients, family and friends go through on this difficult, difficult search for recovery and hope.
However illusive the search, there must be hope, however hopeless the prospect of recovery, there must be hope. Because without hope, what is life worth living for, what is life worth dying for?
Perhaps some will watch 50/50 and laugh at the hilarity of some of the situations in this self-proclaimed comedy... indeed, in the face of adversity, if you cannot laugh, you will just cry.
Perhaps the movie will also touch people and make people realise what really matters in life, something few people ever really realise because they do not face death, because they consciously or not choose to close their eyes to dying. Life is not just moments of laughter and happiness, even though we must never forget how to enjoy precious little moments. Life is about being with the people you love and care about most, about standing together and standing strong while trying to pull through those tough and testing lessons. Life is about family, friends, and treasuring those precious moments together.
Because sometimes, all too soon, all too suddenly, all too unwantedly, the people who matter most in our lives may at any moment be taken away from us.
Operation Surprise Visit
OK, I have to admit being naughty and writing something that is not completely true.
Truth is, I have been planning to pay a surprise visit to my friend while he is back home in Europe. In fact I have been in touch with his parents trying to arrange something without his knowledge. And just yesterday, despite having shamelessly asked if I could visit and stay over for a couple of days, I was surprised to hear from his mum that I am always welcome.
So as soon as my friend booked his ticket (with me sitting by his side, looking down and saying things like "Oh, how great you're going home..." or "Oh, I so wish I could come along too..."), I went to the side and started to check tickets. I know, it's completely devious and evil for misleading him like that... Slap me, deduct karma points from me, but I'm doing this to build up to the big surprise, which I hope will be so funny and memorable when everything comes together and goes according to plan! I'm doing this to cheer my friend up, and give him a special something for his birthday (besides another surprise gift I've got planned...)
And I did book my flights the very next morning. It was a good deal, just under seven hundred dollars, compared to some thirteen hundred, which is what I paid for when I booked my flight to go back to Europe around Christmas time (I'll cancel that soon...)
I've got it all planned out... fly home to visit my brother and my newborn nephew for a few days, and just in time for Dutch Christmas (Sinterklaas). Then, head to my friend's place and ring the bell (I'm hoping perhaps the parents could try and keep him at home that day...) I'm staying two days, and then on the last day, I'll be on the same flights as him and we'll fly back to Montreal together. Remember, I was right there and noting the times and dates of his flights when he booked his trip, so I know exactly what his itinerary is (and he rarely changes his plans...).
I'm smiling now, at the cleverness and clandestineness of the plot I'm hatching together with his parents, who have been ever so supportive and cooperative. Soon we will see how it all works out...
And I look forward to that moment when I'm standing on his doorstep.
Truth is, I have been planning to pay a surprise visit to my friend while he is back home in Europe. In fact I have been in touch with his parents trying to arrange something without his knowledge. And just yesterday, despite having shamelessly asked if I could visit and stay over for a couple of days, I was surprised to hear from his mum that I am always welcome.
So as soon as my friend booked his ticket (with me sitting by his side, looking down and saying things like "Oh, how great you're going home..." or "Oh, I so wish I could come along too..."), I went to the side and started to check tickets. I know, it's completely devious and evil for misleading him like that... Slap me, deduct karma points from me, but I'm doing this to build up to the big surprise, which I hope will be so funny and memorable when everything comes together and goes according to plan! I'm doing this to cheer my friend up, and give him a special something for his birthday (besides another surprise gift I've got planned...)
And I did book my flights the very next morning. It was a good deal, just under seven hundred dollars, compared to some thirteen hundred, which is what I paid for when I booked my flight to go back to Europe around Christmas time (I'll cancel that soon...)
I've got it all planned out... fly home to visit my brother and my newborn nephew for a few days, and just in time for Dutch Christmas (Sinterklaas). Then, head to my friend's place and ring the bell (I'm hoping perhaps the parents could try and keep him at home that day...) I'm staying two days, and then on the last day, I'll be on the same flights as him and we'll fly back to Montreal together. Remember, I was right there and noting the times and dates of his flights when he booked his trip, so I know exactly what his itinerary is (and he rarely changes his plans...).
I'm smiling now, at the cleverness and clandestineness of the plot I'm hatching together with his parents, who have been ever so supportive and cooperative. Soon we will see how it all works out...
And I look forward to that moment when I'm standing on his doorstep.
Trip
My ex kept on persuading me to go to Europe. Kept on telling me how cheap the tickets are at the moment, and how I'm always welcome at his parents' place. And as he was purchasing his ticket home, he asked if he needed to buy one or two.
I was tempted, very tempted. But I'm so tired of traveling, of flying around. It's just been too much what I've done in the past couple of months, and the idea of boarding another flight, of sitting there in the cramped cabin for a few hours, was simply too much to bear.
If you had asked me sometime ago, before I suddenly decided to go back to see my mum, before the relapse in her condition, before my friend began to "see someone", I would not hesitate going to visit my ex in his home town. He has told me so many things about it, and I've imagined many times walking down the same streets he walked down when he was younger. I have always imagined how great it would be meet his parents again and to get more sense of where he comes from. He came to my homes (Taiwan and the Netherlands) on three separate occassions ever since we met, but I have not even visited him once in his hometown. And I feel I owe him something.
But there are just so many factors that make me somewhat uncomfortable and apprehensive about going to visit him at this time. Not just because I'm so tired of traveling, not just because of the complications between us now, but also because I have a deadline for submitting my thesis, and also I'm somewhat afraid of leaving the country and wonder if I can return here, since (after two and a half months already!) I still don't have my student visa... And besides, if I went to Europe without going to visit my brother and his family, how disappointed they would be if they found out. But I simply do not feel like I have enough time to squeeze in both visits...
I told my friend that I simply can't, not at this moment, even though I am so very tempted by the prospect of just hopping on the plane and visiting him. He was disappointed, and for a couple of days have been dropping hints here and there to persuade me to go. But I really don't think I can, even though in my mind, I imagine suddenly showing up at his door... In my mind, I imagine the surprise and beautiful look on his face when he sees and realises what I have done to go see him... In my mind, I imagine the excitement of going all this distance and to show him how special he is in my life, and to show him what I would do to make him happy. In my mind, I imagine the 'cleverness' I feel when yet another secret operation is realised, and what wonderful joy it would bring to my friend, and to me.
But, as much as I would love to, I really don't think I can...
I was tempted, very tempted. But I'm so tired of traveling, of flying around. It's just been too much what I've done in the past couple of months, and the idea of boarding another flight, of sitting there in the cramped cabin for a few hours, was simply too much to bear.
If you had asked me sometime ago, before I suddenly decided to go back to see my mum, before the relapse in her condition, before my friend began to "see someone", I would not hesitate going to visit my ex in his home town. He has told me so many things about it, and I've imagined many times walking down the same streets he walked down when he was younger. I have always imagined how great it would be meet his parents again and to get more sense of where he comes from. He came to my homes (Taiwan and the Netherlands) on three separate occassions ever since we met, but I have not even visited him once in his hometown. And I feel I owe him something.
But there are just so many factors that make me somewhat uncomfortable and apprehensive about going to visit him at this time. Not just because I'm so tired of traveling, not just because of the complications between us now, but also because I have a deadline for submitting my thesis, and also I'm somewhat afraid of leaving the country and wonder if I can return here, since (after two and a half months already!) I still don't have my student visa... And besides, if I went to Europe without going to visit my brother and his family, how disappointed they would be if they found out. But I simply do not feel like I have enough time to squeeze in both visits...
I told my friend that I simply can't, not at this moment, even though I am so very tempted by the prospect of just hopping on the plane and visiting him. He was disappointed, and for a couple of days have been dropping hints here and there to persuade me to go. But I really don't think I can, even though in my mind, I imagine suddenly showing up at his door... In my mind, I imagine the surprise and beautiful look on his face when he sees and realises what I have done to go see him... In my mind, I imagine the excitement of going all this distance and to show him how special he is in my life, and to show him what I would do to make him happy. In my mind, I imagine the 'cleverness' I feel when yet another secret operation is realised, and what wonderful joy it would bring to my friend, and to me.
But, as much as I would love to, I really don't think I can...
Midnight visit
What am I doing? Eight minutes past midnight, waiting at the metro to go downtown. To go see my friend and try to cheer him up.
We've just spent the last half an hour or so on the phone. He seemed so
eager to want to talk, so eager to want to see me...
I ask myself why, why he would like me to keep him company when he is "seeing someone". Isn't that someone whom he's seeing supposed to comfort him, hug him, give him all the love abd affection that transcends everything I, as a mere friend, could possibly give him?
He said he has been feeling very down lately, and that he was under the impression that I'd go see him and spend some time with him tonight, even though I really wanted to finish
off the two missing parts of my thesis.
But seeing him down, I could not
bear it. Even though i question myself why im rushing to his place so latr at night. I've done things for friends before, and he is more than just a
friend. Besides, not that I'm trying to 'return the favour' but in the
past he has so often just got dressed and showed up at my door
unannounced when he senses (or reads on my blog) that I'm down or sad.
Tonight, it's just about two people who mean a lot to one another. It's just about one person going to see another because the other is down. It's just about two friends and the happiness and joy and laughter that can be shares when they are together.
Tonight, it's just about two people who mean a lot to one another. It's just about one person going to see another because the other is down. It's just about two friends and the happiness and joy and laughter that can be shares when they are together.
21 November 2011
draft thesis (almost) complete
There are still bits missing. The beginning and the end, but at least after almost two years of working on it on and off for two years, I'm almost done with my current masters thesis.
Yesterday/today, I worked on it almost twelve hours straight, from 5 in the afternoon to a little before six in the morning. I know if I put my heart and mind to something I can accomplish a lot. And I proved to myself that that is true. And it's been such a long long time since I had such a sense of "achievement" (even though I know I'm not quite done yet...).
I felt proud seeing all those pages of words, some 37000 in the body and some 20000+ in the footnotes! I'm sure there are probably lots of typos and glaring mistakes, but that can all be improved on in the coming weeks before I submit. I'll need to send a copy to my supervisor, who's been waiting patiently for me to finish.
But first I must share the news with someone who matters, someone who's been behind me and supporting my on and off endeavours to finish my thesis, and thereby degree.
My mum.
Yesterday/today, I worked on it almost twelve hours straight, from 5 in the afternoon to a little before six in the morning. I know if I put my heart and mind to something I can accomplish a lot. And I proved to myself that that is true. And it's been such a long long time since I had such a sense of "achievement" (even though I know I'm not quite done yet...).
I felt proud seeing all those pages of words, some 37000 in the body and some 20000+ in the footnotes! I'm sure there are probably lots of typos and glaring mistakes, but that can all be improved on in the coming weeks before I submit. I'll need to send a copy to my supervisor, who's been waiting patiently for me to finish.
But first I must share the news with someone who matters, someone who's been behind me and supporting my on and off endeavours to finish my thesis, and thereby degree.
My mum.
20 November 2011
Dimsum
It's bizarre how life works sometimes, and sometimes you don't ask why or how.
I somehow managed to get invited to dimsum with my ex and (deep breath, and brace for it...) the ex-in laws of my ex. The ex of my ex was not present.
They had a bad break up, and ended with somewhat sour feelings. In comparison, the break up between my ex and I, as complicated as it was (or still is...), seems tame.
Ever since I met my ex, he had told me what kind of very demanding, self-centred and at times out right insane person his ex was. A successful doctor who makes a lot now, but would rather spend money on holidays and (plans on) buying a fancy car instead of providing more care and support for his aged parents, one of whom is almost blind and barely mobile.
I sort of knew it would be trouble, but never expected how much.
I somehow managed to get invited to dimsum with my ex and (deep breath, and brace for it...) the ex-in laws of my ex. The ex of my ex was not present.
They had a bad break up, and ended with somewhat sour feelings. In comparison, the break up between my ex and I, as complicated as it was (or still is...), seems tame.
Ever since I met my ex, he had told me what kind of very demanding, self-centred and at times out right insane person his ex was. A successful doctor who makes a lot now, but would rather spend money on holidays and (plans on) buying a fancy car instead of providing more care and support for his aged parents, one of whom is almost blind and barely mobile.
I sort of knew it would be trouble, but never expected how much.
Sick...
Mum said she threw up yesterday. Twice, no less.
A friend of hers, eager to introduce to her a dietary supplement that is supposed to suppress the growth of cancer cells, gave her two bottles of red raspberry extracts. Mum was told to take some twice a day, and apparent someone managed to get rid of the cancer completely after taking the supplement.
At first mum was alright, but come afternoon, she said she felt more and more unwell. Bloated she said she felt, and she just had to throw up. It was much better when all that she ate came out, but that meant also just two days after her latest chemotherapy, vital nutrients were wasted. And given how little she seems to eat now, she may be losing weight as a result... It was very disheartening to hear that.
Mum mentioned that when she was here in Canada, I fed her a lot of raspberries (and all sorts of other berries). She still remembers that, and said that with fond memories. It was quiet a scare, mum said, and her friend was terribly apologetic. She really did mean well, and wanted to introduce to mum something that would improve her condition. Many people have tried to show mum what she should take, but not everything is suitable. It's true raspberries contain a lot of antioxidants, but that doesn't mean every kind of supplement is a 'miracle' cure.
And again, second day in a row she spoke of her wish to travel. Seeing my nephew, seeing how beautiful and cute he is just tempts her to just pack and leave all the treatments and hospital visits behind. But she knows she can't just do that. "I can't just stop the treatment again, like I did last time," she said, recalling when she stopped her chemotherapy to travel with me to Canada earlier this Summer. "I really need to rest after the treatment is completely over to allow the body to recuperate..."
Maybe... maybe I pushed her too hard, and was too eager to take her traveling back then... Maybe that's why she has to go back to her treatment again...
"I really wish I could travel," she said, "But I don't know when I can..."
I don't know either. But I sure do hope soon. Soon, soon...
A friend of hers, eager to introduce to her a dietary supplement that is supposed to suppress the growth of cancer cells, gave her two bottles of red raspberry extracts. Mum was told to take some twice a day, and apparent someone managed to get rid of the cancer completely after taking the supplement.
At first mum was alright, but come afternoon, she said she felt more and more unwell. Bloated she said she felt, and she just had to throw up. It was much better when all that she ate came out, but that meant also just two days after her latest chemotherapy, vital nutrients were wasted. And given how little she seems to eat now, she may be losing weight as a result... It was very disheartening to hear that.
Mum mentioned that when she was here in Canada, I fed her a lot of raspberries (and all sorts of other berries). She still remembers that, and said that with fond memories. It was quiet a scare, mum said, and her friend was terribly apologetic. She really did mean well, and wanted to introduce to mum something that would improve her condition. Many people have tried to show mum what she should take, but not everything is suitable. It's true raspberries contain a lot of antioxidants, but that doesn't mean every kind of supplement is a 'miracle' cure.
And again, second day in a row she spoke of her wish to travel. Seeing my nephew, seeing how beautiful and cute he is just tempts her to just pack and leave all the treatments and hospital visits behind. But she knows she can't just do that. "I can't just stop the treatment again, like I did last time," she said, recalling when she stopped her chemotherapy to travel with me to Canada earlier this Summer. "I really need to rest after the treatment is completely over to allow the body to recuperate..."
Maybe... maybe I pushed her too hard, and was too eager to take her traveling back then... Maybe that's why she has to go back to her treatment again...
"I really wish I could travel," she said, "But I don't know when I can..."
I don't know either. But I sure do hope soon. Soon, soon...
Couple
The evening I spent with two friends who recently became an item. It was fun catching up, as I've not seen one friend since he moved away around a month ago. We were just chatting, sharing stories from our lives and laughing.
It was nice to see them together, and I know for my friend it's especially special because it's his first real relationship. It's hard, because of the uncertainties surrounding their getting together and because they now live in different countries. But there seems to be this beautiful spark between them, in the way they interact with one another, in the way they are close and intimate, even in front of others.
I told them, together and separately, how I'm happy they found one another. I look at them give each other kisses, head-buts, holding hands on the table. It's so romantic, so very cute. And I admitted to them I was jealous of what they have.
"Your time will come," my friend said and placed his hand on my shoulder, "You of all people I know deserve that special someone..."
I was touched.
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