Empty

Suddenly I felt empty, and lonely, inside. Why? Why was i feeling this way? Why was I, perhaps, being made to feel this way?

My ex and I spent the night together. I surprised him with a prepared dinner at the library, where he's been studying and trying to get the first, and most difficult, chapter of his thesis done. He told me he's been having a challenging time, and how he felt really down, so I thought what better way to cheer him up than with a nice healthy meal and some company.

It was a lovely dinner, with soup, fried noodles, dessert and fruit. We joked and chatted, and it reminded me of those early days when I was working late in the library and how he brought me food a couple of times, completely unannounced. I remember being very touched that someone cared so much about me, cared enough about me to go through trouble of cooking for me. And now, I'm happy I can do it to him.

We studied a bit, and at the end of the night he said he wanted to do something light. Ended upat my place, where we watched some tv, and generally had a pleasant evening.

Bedtime. He wanted to sleep with me, or at least next to me. But I could not. I wanted to, longed to so much, but a part of me resisted because deep inside I felt it so "unfair". He's not with me, he's "seeing someone" (as he puts it...), so why should he want to sleep next to me? Why should he have the privilege of my warmth and my body when he can get all that and more from whom he's seeing? He left me, left me wanting, left me longing, in pursuit of his happiness, but why does he still want to maintain that degree of intimacy with me? Is not the guy he is seeing not enough? And besides, I cannot resist lying next to him from getting "excited" and wanting more than just lying next to him...

So we went to bed alone, and I slept relatively alright. Come morning he come to lie next to me in bed, but u shifted away from him, even though the smell of his body, the comfort of his touch and arms around me was too enticing. again, my mind was asking the same question... He just wants to go back to being friends because he's "seeing someone", but why does he still want to lie next to me and get into a situation where we both know is so beautiful, so wonderful, so fulfilling, and yet also confusing at the same time? He made his choice, and when you make a choice, you gain something, you lose something. Hopefully, we don't live to regret the choices we make, and hopefully, you gain more than you lose...

On the platform as we waited for the metro, I began to feel the loneliness simmer and develop. There he was, sitting right next to me. We were once together, not long ago, but now there is a growing rift between us. We had it all, we were happy, strong, beautiful together. At least for me. But now there is just this friendship that is being tested, there are these lingering feelings  so strong, so beautiful yet which make me feel so wrong to have them, to indulge in them, because from what I can see, I seem to be the one who has these feelings.

I felt empty, but we will part ways, he will go do his thing, I will go do mine. At night I will go home, feeling empty, feeling like I once had something but now it is gone. And is he really happy deep inside? Is he really happy now he is "seeing someone"...? Does he know how much what he is doing to me hurts me, cuts me so deeply? I sleep at night, feeling empty and lost, I wake up disturbed and tired.

I wish I could just turn away, shut him out of my life,  but he tells me again and again how that will hurt him... I need a break, or at least some kind of distraction.