Trip

My ex kept on persuading me to go to Europe. Kept on telling me how cheap the tickets are at the moment, and how I'm always welcome at his parents' place. And as he was purchasing his ticket home, he asked if he needed to buy one or two.

I was tempted, very tempted. But I'm so tired of traveling, of flying around. It's just been too much what I've done in the past couple of months, and the idea of boarding another flight, of sitting there in the cramped cabin for a few hours, was simply too much to bear.

If you had asked me sometime ago, before I suddenly decided to go back to see my mum, before the relapse in her condition, before my friend began to "see someone", I would not hesitate going to visit my ex in his home town. He has told me so many things about it, and I've imagined many times walking down the same streets he walked down when he was younger. I have always imagined how great it would be meet his parents again and to get more sense of where he comes from. He came to my homes (Taiwan and the Netherlands) on three separate occassions ever since we met, but I have not even visited him once in his hometown. And I feel I owe him something.

But there are just so many factors that make me somewhat  uncomfortable and apprehensive about going to visit him at this time. Not just because I'm so tired of traveling, not just because of the complications between us now, but also because I have a deadline for submitting my thesis, and also I'm somewhat afraid of leaving the country and wonder if I can return here, since (after two and a half months already!) I still don't have my student visa... And besides, if I went to Europe without going to visit my brother and his family, how disappointed they would be if they found out. But I simply do not feel like I have enough time to squeeze in both visits...

I told my friend that I simply can't, not at this moment, even though I am so very tempted by the prospect of just hopping on the plane and visiting him. He was disappointed, and for a couple of days have been dropping hints here and there to persuade me to go. But I really don't think I can, even though in my mind, I imagine suddenly showing up at his door... In my mind, I imagine the surprise and beautiful look on his face when he sees and realises what I have done to go see him... In  my mind, I imagine the excitement of going all this distance and to show him how special he is in my life, and to show him what I would do to make him happy. In my mind, I imagine the 'cleverness' I feel when yet another secret operation is realised, and what wonderful joy it would bring to my friend, and to me.

But, as much as I would love to, I really don't think I can...