Sunken

I woke up groaning and shuddering. A dream left me heaving for breath and left my mind agitated for the rest of the day. I saw dad, the first time in months, or perhaps over a year. He was standing there, in the middle of town (The Hague was it?) waiting for me. He looked the same, wore this beige jacket he used to have, the one with a blue rim. He was looking for me, and what relieve dad's face showed when he saw me approach him in a hurry. There was his beautiful smile... The smile I still remember, the smile I can only remember, but will never be able to see again...

Earlier in the dream, I was at a store. A fish vendor's, where I remember I purchased some fish and shellfish. It was the shellfish that really tipped the balance (so to speak), and the grand total came to some 300Euros (another indication why it was probably in The Hague). I was shocked, even though I really wanted to buy it. Did I want to buy it for my dad to eat? I knew at the time dad was waiting for me, hoping to see me soon, and I did not want to disappoint him or keep him waiting. But I was anxious too, agitated. So much money just for a few grams of shellfish... was it worth. I was protesting to the vendor, but s/he did not really bother listening and said I must buy it. I must buy it because s/he already weighed it for me...

The next scene was downtown, the scene with dad. The very scene that made me wake up disturbed and agitated....

For the rest of the day, I felt like that. My friend eventually came to stay the night. But there was a lot of back and forth. I was making it difficult to get close. He just wanted a simple evening together, to fall asleep together like we used to do. But I was making issues out of everything, making him upset, making him sigh and loose patience with me. And it continued like that for much of the day...

I felt so down, sunken even, like my mind and my mental state are going wild and out of control. I could feel the depressing drag me. I could see myself being pulled down, down, down... I cried, my thoughts jumped from my mum's condition to the deep sense of abandonment since my ex left me... I felt my world collapsing, and that realisation dragged me deeper and deeper down into a terrible spiral of depression and self-pity. I felt I was so ugly, so destructive, so unpleasant and toxic to be around, and it was having a negative impact on my ex.

I asked him why he was still hanging around me... why he was still with me when he could be with the person who he is seeing, who makes him so happy and laugh? Why would he want to be with me, someone who makes him cry, makes him feel bad about himself and who wants to constantly, it seems, drag old things out of the closet and shake around and stir up a mess? Is it because deep down I'm a masochist who likes to wallow in pain and grief, and will not rest until everyone around me is brought down with me?

How selfish of me... terribly, terribly selfish of me...

But deep inside, I feel this growing, growing sense of loneliness and emptiness I cannot seem to fill...