My ex tells me he is having such a difficult time right now, predominantly because work has not been going well for him. I tried to support him, to bring him little surprises when he is in the library, and sometimes sit around him so he can feel encouraged to work hard. But it does not seem enough.
Friday night, and we went to a friend's place for dinner and a little get together. All of us sitting around the table, and now and then he checks his phone, and starts to tap away. At one point he receives a call and had to get up and move to the next room to call.
Originally, we just wanted a quiet evening in with friends. And it somehow just turned sour. I know the problem is with me. Because I can't stand the fact that he is "seeing someone" and yet wants to do all the things we used to do, still be so close and intimate (though over the past week, the level of intimacy has diminished greatly...). If he is "seeing someone", why does he still want to come over to my place to stay the night?
I asked him what is troubling him, what is so wrong with his life. He went quiet. Am I pressuring him too hard? Am I being unfair to him? I am trying the best I can to be his support, to be his friend, but sometimes I question why when he is seeing someone? Isn't that someone supposed to provide all that love and care and support that he needs? Why does he still need it from me, the ex?
It may have sounded harsh, but I said to him if there is anyone who is sad, it should be me. It's been on my mind a while now, and I finally said it. He has this special friend he is seeing, and he has a best friend who tries and tries to cheer him up when he is down. He has the best of everything. Yet he is not content for some reason. Why? He has someone he can sleep with and fall asleep comfortably next to at night, and he has me who is so willing to help him and alleviate his pain and fears in whatever way... and yet he does not seem happy.
I know I make an issue of things, I know that I make life difficult for him by raising all these issues... but sometimes I feel like he just wants to laugh and have a good time and pretend that nothing ever happened between us, pretend as if everything can just go back to normal, when in fact he is causing a lot of the difficulties himself by wanting to be someone else and still want to keep me on the side.
Am I so selfish? Am I angry at him? Am I playing the bitter victim? I don't know... But how does he expect him to just stay around, and tell me that things used to be easier before, tell me that he misses the "old" me, when he suddenly turns around one day in the middle of our relationship and say he can't go on and wants to be with someone else? Sure I caused much of this mess in the first place, he tells me that,he reminds me of that... But how can you imply to someone that things were so happy before when someone has gone through so much hurt and a painful heartbreak?
I really don't know what he wants from me... I really don't know what he wants, what he is looking for. And he tells me it would hurt him if I just turn cold on him. But maybe that's exactly what I should do, as some of my friends have suggested. Just turn cold on him, just have less or no contact with him. Just let him be, let him be happy and unconfused in his new love affair. That would be less trouble, less worry for everyone, instead of going day to day having these ups and downs and pendulum swings of emotions from my side because I cannot control at times feeling so hurt and so disappointed by what is happening. Again, I ask the question... how can he be so happy, how can he just want to smile and laugh and go back to good ole times of just being friends and pretend everything is alright between us...?
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