12 March 2011

One day retreat

A father watching his twenty-something year old daughter sleep soundly and is reminded of her face as a little girl so small... someone talking a shortcut through the park, and is struck by the sight of a little squirrel nibling peacefully on a piece of bread as cars all around sped past... a mother moved by the interaction a mother with her  mentally impaired daughter on a bus... someone driving and racing to make the class and for many moments her mind was so confused and clouded by haste and worry... and a girl walking toward the class, her mind filled with thoughts and wellwishes for the people suffering in the aftermath of the devastating earthquake in Japan...

So many scenes, sights and sounds of the world, all brought together by twenty strangers who had woken up on a Saturday morning to sit in a little hall. As you made your way here, what left an impression on your mind, the teaching asked, and how did you deal with that impression? Were you moved to tears, anxious, amazed or annoyed? Did you get caught up in those feelings, and let them spin your mind and drown your mind with agitation and frustration? Or did you let watch the feelings, watch them as they came or went?

For the six or so hours we were together, it felt like a great union of bodies and minds at one place. The day-retreat centred on the theme of "Equanimity", the Buddhist concept that whatever happens in and around you, you should maintain a calm and unmoved state of mind. If happiness arises, realise that there is happiness, enjoy the happiness, but do not dwell in it, do not cling onto it. If sadness arises, or if you are confronted with situations that is mentally and physically tormenting, see that sadness, that pain, that suffering, and do not linger in it, do not despair in it. All things, all feelings will pass, and emotions are always moving (e-"motion"), always changing. Being equanimous, or at ease, requires great restraint, requires the ability to see through things, see through feelings and the understanding that the world is never stable, and nothing is really "yours" or "mine".

Through a mix of sitting meditation and walking meditation and talks, the morning went and too soon, or so it felt, the session was over. I opened my eyes, after having closed them in meditation for a long while, and adjusted to the room. What an experience it was, even if at times I was afflicted with memories, feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety and worry. What an experience it was to close your eyes, and to watch the mind, watch what looks like a faint flame that blows in the direction of the winds, yet never fades.

This is the practice... to be able to face and be blown over by great storms or gentle breezes, and yet not stir...

Reminder

A few years ago, I set my (future) self a number of goals online, and every six months or so, I would get a reminder. One of these goals is "to love and be loved in return". Many times, when I get this reminder, I would just dismiss it, and be left forlorn in hope.

Yet, as I opened my inbox today and saw the reminder, for the first time, I smiled.

I have accomplished this goal today, and I can only be grateful for being able to love, and be loved in return...

11 March 2011

Insult...

I don't know what possessed me. It was such a wonderful day working with a colleague and my boyfriend, and we decided to round it off with a nice meal at an Indian restaurant. The food was delicious, conversation and laughters flowed.

And at the end of the meal, I dropped a comment making fun of both their belly sizes. My boyfriend's face immediately turned, and we did not speak for a long while. Luckily it was already the end of the meal, so the awkward silence at the restaurant did not last too long We said goodnight and parted quietly. I ran to make sure I made it to his apartment before he did, and I waited for his return. In the snow, I wrote "SORRY".

Again, I don't know what possessed me to blurt out a comment that hurt his self-esteem. Did I say it with malice, with the intention to hurt? Or did I just blurt out something without thinking of the consequences?  I fidgeted with my fingers, and felt so terribly ashamed how I injured him so badly emotionally. It felt oppressive, and the mood reminded me of the tumultuous days back in November-December last year when the future of our relationship felt under jeopardy. He had every right to be upset, to be angry, to be deeply disappointed in me. I could not but apologise and say how sorry I felt for hurting him so... Karma comes back to haunt you, and my stomach felt so very upset as if the food could throw up at any moment...

He could have scolded me, called me names, hurt me back. But he did not. Instead, he was numb, perhaps numbed by how much the hurt and insult was, especially coming from someone you would think could only give you joy and love, and do you no harm. Perhaps he felt betrayed, angry, frustrated why he was with somebody who would make fun of his body image...

Clandestinely I grabbed a pen and wrote on my hand "I'm sorry I hurt you"... "Hurt", in the present sense of the word, but also in the past tense too, because this is not the first time. In the two year or so of us knowing one another, and being together, I have on occasion blurted out remarks about his appearance. Am I just downright mean and someone who likes to preach compassion and love, yet can so easily throw insults around, and right in someone's face?

He could have thrown me out, said he did not want to see me, or said things to make me feel like scum, but he did not. Instead, we watched an episode of our current most-watched series, and as the episode went on, we inched closer and closer together. I stayed the night, and fell asleep with his scent tickling my nose, and the warmth of his body against mine...

Not all is forgotten, and I slept poorly the whole night. Quietly I left, and on leaving I left a little note for my boyfriend. No matter how many times I say or write the words "sorry", it does not justify what I made him feel. And that enough is punishment for my being mean and malicious... or simply being so  utterly dumb and inconsiderate for speaking without thinking .

08 March 2011

Snowstorm

It is as if the weather was sad that I have not yet experienced 'real' Winter this year, so a few days after my return dumped some 40cm of snow as if in my honour. The sun is now out, and the city is covered with white. It may be a nuisance walking down the streets-- a dirty and at times dangerous affair to trudge through the sludge and puddles (not to mention to avoid getting splashed by speeding traffic). But there is a certain beauty to be enjoyed when everything is covered in snow. At least, I am often told, this feeling of excitement and being mesmerised by snow, will last for a short while until you are just so sick and tired of the cold and having to shovel snow from your doorsteps.

The jetlag is slowly subsiding, even though in the evenings my head is sometimes heavy with tiredness. Almost a week since my return to Montreal, I am slowly picking up the pieces of where I left off over two months ago. I've been doing some work at the office, in a way to help myself adjust to a 'normal' working day with some not-so-demanding office chores before I dive right into the mentally-straining task of finishing my  long-overdue thesis. A number of nights I have spent with my friend, and to appear and behave in front of our mutual friends officially as a couple fills my heart with a certain sense of belonging, and contentment that I have long longed for. And mum's health condition has been relatively stable, and she sounds cheerful when I  call her in the morning and evening.

So at the moment, life seems to be going relatively well on most levels... except the housing situation with my roommate. Perhaps it is being away for so long and wanting to have my own private space, but after  coming home  last week I feel more and more that I need to live alone.

It has been already six months since my roommate moved in, even though in the beginning we both agreed it would only be a temporary solution. Granted I was away for a while, so there was no real problem of her staying at my place and taking care of things, but now that I am home again, I am feeling more and more frustrated about her constant presence. Her personal items are scattered all over the place, and though she may not be a malicious person, she has this tendency to stalk other people's online profiles and gossip about what other people are doing, which I frankly do not enjoy listening to, especially after coming home at the end of the day. It has gotten to a point where I kind of dread going home and having to interact with her, and having to exchange small talk and pleasantries just for the sake of it-- when in reality I just want to unwind and not talk.

In a way I feel bad for her. Already close to forty, but she still has no stable income or stable life to speak of. Part of it comes down to the fact that she is somewhat of a difficult person to get along with. At the same time, she also has a very high opinion of herself, so does not want to just get any odd job, even if it is to pay the bills. So she stays on, and in a way is living off of me, because I don't charge her anything at all for rent. As often happens, my soft spot for other people's misfortunes becomes a weakness that over time is exploited.

Last night, I put it out there, for really it has reached a point where, though not yet unbearable, I feel I should just be frank before things get too uncomfortable, at least for my sake. I said I need my own space, and reminded her that it has already been six months, and that it's time she found an alternative solution. She started tearing, as often happens when she becomes upset, but I was unwaivering. Have I not been patient and generous enough, especially when nobody would have gone to the extremes of letting her into their homes for so long? I really don't think I need to feel any guilt or remorse for asking her to leave, especially as she is just a friend, and not really someone I feel that close to. As much as I care about her wellbeing, there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough.

She said she understood, and agreed to try to look for something within the month. I was relieved to have spoken to her in a calm and rational manner, and I fell asleep with relative ease. So the countdown to the day she moves out has begun.

How I look forward to the day when I, and my little cat, can walk around freely again in my own apartment without having to think about whether I am disturbing anyone.