Snowstorm

It is as if the weather was sad that I have not yet experienced 'real' Winter this year, so a few days after my return dumped some 40cm of snow as if in my honour. The sun is now out, and the city is covered with white. It may be a nuisance walking down the streets-- a dirty and at times dangerous affair to trudge through the sludge and puddles (not to mention to avoid getting splashed by speeding traffic). But there is a certain beauty to be enjoyed when everything is covered in snow. At least, I am often told, this feeling of excitement and being mesmerised by snow, will last for a short while until you are just so sick and tired of the cold and having to shovel snow from your doorsteps.

The jetlag is slowly subsiding, even though in the evenings my head is sometimes heavy with tiredness. Almost a week since my return to Montreal, I am slowly picking up the pieces of where I left off over two months ago. I've been doing some work at the office, in a way to help myself adjust to a 'normal' working day with some not-so-demanding office chores before I dive right into the mentally-straining task of finishing my  long-overdue thesis. A number of nights I have spent with my friend, and to appear and behave in front of our mutual friends officially as a couple fills my heart with a certain sense of belonging, and contentment that I have long longed for. And mum's health condition has been relatively stable, and she sounds cheerful when I  call her in the morning and evening.

So at the moment, life seems to be going relatively well on most levels... except the housing situation with my roommate. Perhaps it is being away for so long and wanting to have my own private space, but after  coming home  last week I feel more and more that I need to live alone.

It has been already six months since my roommate moved in, even though in the beginning we both agreed it would only be a temporary solution. Granted I was away for a while, so there was no real problem of her staying at my place and taking care of things, but now that I am home again, I am feeling more and more frustrated about her constant presence. Her personal items are scattered all over the place, and though she may not be a malicious person, she has this tendency to stalk other people's online profiles and gossip about what other people are doing, which I frankly do not enjoy listening to, especially after coming home at the end of the day. It has gotten to a point where I kind of dread going home and having to interact with her, and having to exchange small talk and pleasantries just for the sake of it-- when in reality I just want to unwind and not talk.

In a way I feel bad for her. Already close to forty, but she still has no stable income or stable life to speak of. Part of it comes down to the fact that she is somewhat of a difficult person to get along with. At the same time, she also has a very high opinion of herself, so does not want to just get any odd job, even if it is to pay the bills. So she stays on, and in a way is living off of me, because I don't charge her anything at all for rent. As often happens, my soft spot for other people's misfortunes becomes a weakness that over time is exploited.

Last night, I put it out there, for really it has reached a point where, though not yet unbearable, I feel I should just be frank before things get too uncomfortable, at least for my sake. I said I need my own space, and reminded her that it has already been six months, and that it's time she found an alternative solution. She started tearing, as often happens when she becomes upset, but I was unwaivering. Have I not been patient and generous enough, especially when nobody would have gone to the extremes of letting her into their homes for so long? I really don't think I need to feel any guilt or remorse for asking her to leave, especially as she is just a friend, and not really someone I feel that close to. As much as I care about her wellbeing, there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough.

She said she understood, and agreed to try to look for something within the month. I was relieved to have spoken to her in a calm and rational manner, and I fell asleep with relative ease. So the countdown to the day she moves out has begun.

How I look forward to the day when I, and my little cat, can walk around freely again in my own apartment without having to think about whether I am disturbing anyone.