Terrible night, been up since 1am, and only managed to sleep for two hours or so. Don't know why I can't sleep, even though I have a horrible headache.
I lie in bed and try to sleep, but thoughts, and a heavy sense of sadness keeps me awake.
"Seven more days..."
"What will happen...?"
"Will I fly away as planned?"
"Will mum be able to return home before I leave...?"
The birds are singing already. Another new day begins, but my night has not yet ended...
28 April 2012
One step forward, two steps back
Mum sounded so tired on the phone, so tired I could hardly understand her. She said she slept poorly last night, a contrast from the nights before when she slept relatively well.
"What should I being for dinner?" I asked. It's my "standard" question these days, now that I'm at home the majority of the time and visit her only in the evenings. She said she didn't know what she wants to eat, and that she vomited earlier.
It's very frustrating to hear that, and hear the sound of her voice. For the past few months, it seems to be one step forward, and two steps back as her health gradually deteriorates. You have days and moments when you think she looks so well, well enough to be discharged. And next movements, the next day, you see her lie there looking so tired, struggling to breathe with the aid of a tube...
I went to see her tonight, and we had a good hour or so of alone time together, something rare since the 24hr carer was hired. I lounged by mum's bed side and we chatted. Now and then, I'd hold her hand and massage her fingers, and move her arm and her hand close to my face as if to kiss them.
I remembered my ex sending me a letter he wrote to my mum sometime back, which I only read last week and promised I'd translate to mum. And tonight I did just that.
I didn't translate word by word, but the general gist of the message. My ex was appreciative of my mum, foe welcoming him to our home(s), and for also being an inspiration to him, he said. All these years, he's watched from afar as she fights against the terrible illness of cancer, and he is deeply touched by my mum's strength and courage, and ability to translate pain into beautiful memories and moments. There were various lines praising me, going as far as saying I'm the greatest "gift" of all. I guess in a way my ex wants to reassure my mum whatever happens, she has raised a wonderful son who will carry on her legacy, her kindness and generosity.
Mum was silence as I translated the letter, but there was a moment when she moved her hand to the corner of her eye. Afterwards I asked her whether she had anything to say, but she said she was too tired to think. "Thank him for his care..." she said, and closed her eyes.
"What should I being for dinner?" I asked. It's my "standard" question these days, now that I'm at home the majority of the time and visit her only in the evenings. She said she didn't know what she wants to eat, and that she vomited earlier.
It's very frustrating to hear that, and hear the sound of her voice. For the past few months, it seems to be one step forward, and two steps back as her health gradually deteriorates. You have days and moments when you think she looks so well, well enough to be discharged. And next movements, the next day, you see her lie there looking so tired, struggling to breathe with the aid of a tube...
I went to see her tonight, and we had a good hour or so of alone time together, something rare since the 24hr carer was hired. I lounged by mum's bed side and we chatted. Now and then, I'd hold her hand and massage her fingers, and move her arm and her hand close to my face as if to kiss them.
I remembered my ex sending me a letter he wrote to my mum sometime back, which I only read last week and promised I'd translate to mum. And tonight I did just that.
I didn't translate word by word, but the general gist of the message. My ex was appreciative of my mum, foe welcoming him to our home(s), and for also being an inspiration to him, he said. All these years, he's watched from afar as she fights against the terrible illness of cancer, and he is deeply touched by my mum's strength and courage, and ability to translate pain into beautiful memories and moments. There were various lines praising me, going as far as saying I'm the greatest "gift" of all. I guess in a way my ex wants to reassure my mum whatever happens, she has raised a wonderful son who will carry on her legacy, her kindness and generosity.
Mum was silence as I translated the letter, but there was a moment when she moved her hand to the corner of her eye. Afterwards I asked her whether she had anything to say, but she said she was too tired to think. "Thank him for his care..." she said, and closed her eyes.
27 April 2012
Exorcism magic
Protecting mum, walking in night, fire coming out of fingers, ability to ward off bad spirits and hidden ghouls, inherited from dad, terrible dragons, beasts and other evil creatures
Musings on a rainy night
Just finished my studying for the night, and the time is a little past one in the morning. Rain is dropping and falling outside, splashing against the window with a melancholic echo. It has not stopped raining for two days...
For the last few days, since mum hired a 24hr carer to stay with her at the hospital, I have been visiting mum significantly less than before. Two hours, perhaps two and a half hours at most, in the evenings, when I would go and have dinner with her. The rest of the day, I'm at home, studying, or trying to study, and trying to fight off wandering thoughts and fatigue.
I went to the hospital with brother in the evening. I was so lost as what to bring mum, and I really want to cook her something healthy. But she keeps on insisting that her carer will buy food from outside, and that the carer will know what to eat. Even so, I feel kind of guilty, as if I am "neglecting my duties"-- duties I have been shouldering for the past four months almost...
The other day, I brought mum some fish soup and little fish spawn, which are rich in protein. From that, a congee was made, and I served it warm to her for dinner. She gagged and vomited some stomach fluids upon smelling the fishy smell. My brother sat there and complained that I am feeding her things that make her vomit. I retorted: "Well, you cook for her then!"
There has been simmering tensions for a couple of days. While I'm busy studying, I still have to wonder what to bring mum to eat, what to cook for her, and worried about her wellbeing, whereas my brother watches tv all day, and visits mum for not more hours than I do. And mum has complained to me in private that when he visits, he sits there and plays his little games on his phone or touch-pad. Maybe that is his way of showing how he cares...
The other day, mum expressed her frustrations to me. It has been two weeks since my brother and his family returned home. I can count the days, perhaps even the hours, they have been to the hospital. To be fair, they were struck down by a bad cold last week. But since then, my sister-in-law and my nephew have been away in another part of the country, whereas brother is here, but hasn't really done much. In fact, the first week they were back, I hardly felt any difference, for I still had to stay at the hospital every single night until three days ago. And to think, before they arrived, I was consciously telling myself to "step back" and let them take over! To think, there are moments when I am so tempted to do something for mum, but just wait and wait to see whether my brother will notice that she needs help...
There is a reason behind my outburst at my brother earlier on. There is one thing he does well, and that is to sit there and talk about what should be done, but he does not seem able to raise a finger. I told him on several occasions since his return that after I am gone, it is up to him (and his wife) to care for mum, and to make sure that she eats well. "I don't know how to cook...", he says, "I don't know what to do and how to take care of her..."
"Well, learn!" I tell him, "How do you think I coped over the last couple of months?" Not to mention over the past three, four years everyt ime I was back here. Of course, mum's condition is much worse than before now, much worse than ever before, but still there are basic things he can do to make mum feel cared for, make her feel appreciated, and make her feel like his presence makes a difference. And I asked him rhetorically, "How can you two not manage to do what I managed to do on my own here in the past few months?"
I know I should not judge other people's standards with my own. But really, how difficult is it to go visit mum at the hospital, to talk to her, perhaps have a happy conversation about happy things? Why is it so hard to see when mum is in pain or discomfort and to massage her feet and arms whenever she scrunches up her face or groans? Again, I cannot judge my brother (or sister-in-law) for what they do (or do not do...), for as someone said to me (and without wanting to toot my own horn....), it is hard to live up to what I do for mum. But I just wish there were more interaction between my brother and mum. I just wish brother would take more initiative at doing something, instead of just sitting there, watching TV or playing games on his phone (admittedly, I did that too sometimes when I was at the hospital for long, long hours...).
No wonder mum is getting frustrated. She told me frankly the other day she needs rest and a peaceful environment to recover after she returns home. What she does not need to deal with is tensions or having to deal with bad attitude. And since what happened in Europe when she visited last year, she has been utterly disappointed and disheartened by my brother and his wife. So she already has preconceptions about what their presence here can bring, and she is not really enthusiastic about them staying here for the next two months or so. In fact, I have repeatedly tried to tell her not to have any predjudices against them, for what has gone by in the past is in the past. I have repeatedly tried to put in a good word for them and told mum they genuinely want to spend some quality time with her and do "something" for her, and I told her the importance of giving them a chance to prove themselves, before it is "too late". But mum seems unpersuaded. And my brother's behaviour (and sister-in-law's absence) since their return does nothing to improve mum's impression of them.
Ten more days, and I will be leaving. It is scary, and very sad, to think about that... Ten more days. How long I have been here already! How slow the days and minutes seemed to pass at times, but it is now already four months since my arrival, and I am soon to leave here. What is there still to do for me? What is there still for me do organise, to plan, to put into place before I leave?
I'm not sure how things will be without me here, but it will just have to be. Have I not done enough? Are my brother and sister-in-law not older than me, both by four years, are they not parents already? They should know best how to take care of someone, and how to be attentive to the needs of someone under their care.
I just hope that when I am gone, they will all manage to find a way to coexist, and that my brother and his wife will both find a meaningful role to play in the crucial stage of mum's recovery at home. I just hope that, as I imagined it, as I dreamed and hoped for, that this big effort to bring everyone together will not be ruined or soured by conflicts, tensions and frustrations.
For what a shame, a terrible, terrible regret it would be if perhaps the last long period of time mum has together with my brother and his family were to be marred by arguments and misunderstandings, or worse, them leaving here in a huff...
For the last few days, since mum hired a 24hr carer to stay with her at the hospital, I have been visiting mum significantly less than before. Two hours, perhaps two and a half hours at most, in the evenings, when I would go and have dinner with her. The rest of the day, I'm at home, studying, or trying to study, and trying to fight off wandering thoughts and fatigue.
I went to the hospital with brother in the evening. I was so lost as what to bring mum, and I really want to cook her something healthy. But she keeps on insisting that her carer will buy food from outside, and that the carer will know what to eat. Even so, I feel kind of guilty, as if I am "neglecting my duties"-- duties I have been shouldering for the past four months almost...
The other day, I brought mum some fish soup and little fish spawn, which are rich in protein. From that, a congee was made, and I served it warm to her for dinner. She gagged and vomited some stomach fluids upon smelling the fishy smell. My brother sat there and complained that I am feeding her things that make her vomit. I retorted: "Well, you cook for her then!"
There has been simmering tensions for a couple of days. While I'm busy studying, I still have to wonder what to bring mum to eat, what to cook for her, and worried about her wellbeing, whereas my brother watches tv all day, and visits mum for not more hours than I do. And mum has complained to me in private that when he visits, he sits there and plays his little games on his phone or touch-pad. Maybe that is his way of showing how he cares...
The other day, mum expressed her frustrations to me. It has been two weeks since my brother and his family returned home. I can count the days, perhaps even the hours, they have been to the hospital. To be fair, they were struck down by a bad cold last week. But since then, my sister-in-law and my nephew have been away in another part of the country, whereas brother is here, but hasn't really done much. In fact, the first week they were back, I hardly felt any difference, for I still had to stay at the hospital every single night until three days ago. And to think, before they arrived, I was consciously telling myself to "step back" and let them take over! To think, there are moments when I am so tempted to do something for mum, but just wait and wait to see whether my brother will notice that she needs help...
There is a reason behind my outburst at my brother earlier on. There is one thing he does well, and that is to sit there and talk about what should be done, but he does not seem able to raise a finger. I told him on several occasions since his return that after I am gone, it is up to him (and his wife) to care for mum, and to make sure that she eats well. "I don't know how to cook...", he says, "I don't know what to do and how to take care of her..."
"Well, learn!" I tell him, "How do you think I coped over the last couple of months?" Not to mention over the past three, four years everyt ime I was back here. Of course, mum's condition is much worse than before now, much worse than ever before, but still there are basic things he can do to make mum feel cared for, make her feel appreciated, and make her feel like his presence makes a difference. And I asked him rhetorically, "How can you two not manage to do what I managed to do on my own here in the past few months?"
I know I should not judge other people's standards with my own. But really, how difficult is it to go visit mum at the hospital, to talk to her, perhaps have a happy conversation about happy things? Why is it so hard to see when mum is in pain or discomfort and to massage her feet and arms whenever she scrunches up her face or groans? Again, I cannot judge my brother (or sister-in-law) for what they do (or do not do...), for as someone said to me (and without wanting to toot my own horn....), it is hard to live up to what I do for mum. But I just wish there were more interaction between my brother and mum. I just wish brother would take more initiative at doing something, instead of just sitting there, watching TV or playing games on his phone (admittedly, I did that too sometimes when I was at the hospital for long, long hours...).
No wonder mum is getting frustrated. She told me frankly the other day she needs rest and a peaceful environment to recover after she returns home. What she does not need to deal with is tensions or having to deal with bad attitude. And since what happened in Europe when she visited last year, she has been utterly disappointed and disheartened by my brother and his wife. So she already has preconceptions about what their presence here can bring, and she is not really enthusiastic about them staying here for the next two months or so. In fact, I have repeatedly tried to tell her not to have any predjudices against them, for what has gone by in the past is in the past. I have repeatedly tried to put in a good word for them and told mum they genuinely want to spend some quality time with her and do "something" for her, and I told her the importance of giving them a chance to prove themselves, before it is "too late". But mum seems unpersuaded. And my brother's behaviour (and sister-in-law's absence) since their return does nothing to improve mum's impression of them.
Ten more days, and I will be leaving. It is scary, and very sad, to think about that... Ten more days. How long I have been here already! How slow the days and minutes seemed to pass at times, but it is now already four months since my arrival, and I am soon to leave here. What is there still to do for me? What is there still for me do organise, to plan, to put into place before I leave?
I'm not sure how things will be without me here, but it will just have to be. Have I not done enough? Are my brother and sister-in-law not older than me, both by four years, are they not parents already? They should know best how to take care of someone, and how to be attentive to the needs of someone under their care.
I just hope that when I am gone, they will all manage to find a way to coexist, and that my brother and his wife will both find a meaningful role to play in the crucial stage of mum's recovery at home. I just hope that, as I imagined it, as I dreamed and hoped for, that this big effort to bring everyone together will not be ruined or soured by conflicts, tensions and frustrations.
For what a shame, a terrible, terrible regret it would be if perhaps the last long period of time mum has together with my brother and his family were to be marred by arguments and misunderstandings, or worse, them leaving here in a huff...
Bear facts
Yes, I sometimes carry (a) stuffed animal(s) around with me. And yes I've bought a tailor made suit for my ex's favourite bear, Billy.
Is it crazy? No, it's cute.
The animals represent alter egos, and come in handy for can pose on my behalf in front of memorable scenes and landmarks. They make wonderful travelling companions, and attract attention and compliments from strangers because of their good nature and the eternal smile on their faces. I'm not ashamed of my furry friends. They make me feel warm inside and keep me warm at night when I sleep alone.
Whatever the status and feud (if there is one...) between my ex and I, nothing should come in between my relationship with his favourite bear. My ex gave him to me on several occasions, once even telling me it's a symbol of his "undying care and love".
And I treat Billy well, by giving him the best samplings of local cuisine wherever I go (though being British, he can be a tad picky and sometimes have a smug sense of bear superiority...), and he has been with me to mountains and oceans, accompanied me to glaciers, on luxurious train journeys and even sat with me in Business Class on the plane on several occasions.
The other day I came up with a new idea for his wardrobe. Last time I got him a suit and trousers and a briefcase with his name and "Esq." marked on, to celebrate my ex passing his bar exams. I smiled at the cleverness of the idea that popped into my head. And just now I delivered the bear to "Bear Garden", a shop specialising in making clothes and accessories for bearkind. Yes, decadence...
I should be able to pick Billy up in a few days, and I hope he'll have a wonderful time bonding with friends (I just hope he doesn't get into fights or shun bears because of their colour...)
It'll be a different kind of surprise and treat., for Billy, and in a way, for my ex.
It'll be the talk of town, and... super duper adorable!
Is it crazy? No, it's cute.
The animals represent alter egos, and come in handy for can pose on my behalf in front of memorable scenes and landmarks. They make wonderful travelling companions, and attract attention and compliments from strangers because of their good nature and the eternal smile on their faces. I'm not ashamed of my furry friends. They make me feel warm inside and keep me warm at night when I sleep alone.
Whatever the status and feud (if there is one...) between my ex and I, nothing should come in between my relationship with his favourite bear. My ex gave him to me on several occasions, once even telling me it's a symbol of his "undying care and love".
And I treat Billy well, by giving him the best samplings of local cuisine wherever I go (though being British, he can be a tad picky and sometimes have a smug sense of bear superiority...), and he has been with me to mountains and oceans, accompanied me to glaciers, on luxurious train journeys and even sat with me in Business Class on the plane on several occasions.
The other day I came up with a new idea for his wardrobe. Last time I got him a suit and trousers and a briefcase with his name and "Esq." marked on, to celebrate my ex passing his bar exams. I smiled at the cleverness of the idea that popped into my head. And just now I delivered the bear to "Bear Garden", a shop specialising in making clothes and accessories for bearkind. Yes, decadence...
I should be able to pick Billy up in a few days, and I hope he'll have a wonderful time bonding with friends (I just hope he doesn't get into fights or shun bears because of their colour...)
It'll be a different kind of surprise and treat., for Billy, and in a way, for my ex.
It'll be the talk of town, and... super duper adorable!
26 April 2012
Dream
I knew the people in front of me were terrorists. I could see it in their eyes, which burned a fierce suicidal zeal. There were three girls, none older than twenty, in fact perhaps one was even younger than ten.
The roller coaster pulled away from the station, and there was a low gasp of excitement from all the passengers. But I was filled with dread and fear, the kind of fear from knowing that something horrible is about to happen, but you are so utterly powerless and helpless to stop it. You can just sit and let the horrible event take place. I don't know what was worse... the fact that dozens of innocent people will die be horribly maimed , or that you are part of those who are about to die.
As soon as the roller coaster reached a certain speed, one of the girls looked back at me. She showed me a small round battery, and then threw it out of the train. Another girl turned around and showed me a wrench, and she too threw it out of the train. Both of them smiled this wicked smile. I was strapped in my seat, but I wanted to reach out and get ahold of them. I could not.
My fear turned to this strange calm. I know we were hurtling to our deaths, the ups and downs of the ride is just a part of it all. I know what the outcome will be, just not when it will happen...
I opened my eyes and woke up before the destruction and carnage took place...
The roller coaster pulled away from the station, and there was a low gasp of excitement from all the passengers. But I was filled with dread and fear, the kind of fear from knowing that something horrible is about to happen, but you are so utterly powerless and helpless to stop it. You can just sit and let the horrible event take place. I don't know what was worse... the fact that dozens of innocent people will die be horribly maimed , or that you are part of those who are about to die.
As soon as the roller coaster reached a certain speed, one of the girls looked back at me. She showed me a small round battery, and then threw it out of the train. Another girl turned around and showed me a wrench, and she too threw it out of the train. Both of them smiled this wicked smile. I was strapped in my seat, but I wanted to reach out and get ahold of them. I could not.
My fear turned to this strange calm. I know we were hurtling to our deaths, the ups and downs of the ride is just a part of it all. I know what the outcome will be, just not when it will happen...
I opened my eyes and woke up before the destruction and carnage took place...
Severe depression
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel so tired, and have been sleeping or "napping" for most of the day. It was the first day that I did not visit mum at the hospital, for since yesterday mum decided to hire a 24hr carer. She said I should rest and focus on studying, because there is not much time for me left...
But I cannot focus. My mind is so distracted. It took me almost two hours to read and make notes on 10 pages! I keep on thinking "I'm abandoning mum..." I keep on wondering if she really is "fine" as she says she is... I feel guilty for not being there and spending time with her, especially after these few months when I've almost constantly been at her side...
I keep on thinking about her, about what to bring her to eat. Brother doesn't seem to concerned much, and just says mum can eat whatever we buy from outside... But that's the thing, mum can't just eat any odd thing. She has to eat more healthy things to regain her strength, she needs to eat low residue and low grease foods in order for her to digest.
Maybe I'm overburdening myself with responsibility. I must learn to let go, learn to lessen my load and give other people the chance to take care of mum, and just accept that it will be ok what they do.
Because how else am I supposed to leave here in peace and with peace of mind if I cannot let go and let other people take over?
But I cannot focus. My mind is so distracted. It took me almost two hours to read and make notes on 10 pages! I keep on thinking "I'm abandoning mum..." I keep on wondering if she really is "fine" as she says she is... I feel guilty for not being there and spending time with her, especially after these few months when I've almost constantly been at her side...
I keep on thinking about her, about what to bring her to eat. Brother doesn't seem to concerned much, and just says mum can eat whatever we buy from outside... But that's the thing, mum can't just eat any odd thing. She has to eat more healthy things to regain her strength, she needs to eat low residue and low grease foods in order for her to digest.
Maybe I'm overburdening myself with responsibility. I must learn to let go, learn to lessen my load and give other people the chance to take care of mum, and just accept that it will be ok what they do.
Because how else am I supposed to leave here in peace and with peace of mind if I cannot let go and let other people take over?
25 April 2012
Dream
It was such a vivid and disturbing dream, and when I woke up, I realised it was already past ten in the morning. It was the single most uninterrupted sleep of eight hours that I have had in weeks...
In the dream was my ex. We were together in a room, I'm not sure where but the locale seemed so familiar. Somehow, it was in my home in the Netherlands, or so it looked like. We were just talking, mostly me doing the talking.
"Let's just put it all behind us... Put away all the things I have given you, put away all the things you have given me." Moments later, he was going into a cupboard and taking things out and putting them into boxes. Photographs, gifts, letters, notes... All going into a box. I don't remember whether he looked sad, but it happened so naturally.
I think something along the lines of "this has gone on too long". I told him I care about him, love him, and all I want is for him to be happy. "If you are not willing to let go, then I'll let go." In the dream, I felt a peace, strange peace, even though under that peace was a hurt that was hidden. After all we have gone through, is this how we are to end? It felt like giving up a bit of me, cutting off a bit of my flesh. But it also felt liberating, for his presence in my life felt like a heavy burden. The same conversations, the same sadness, the same questions lingering on and on... He wants to be with me, but he wants to be with someone else. His heart longs for me, but his mind is wandering elsewhere.
"I just want you to be happy. So I am willing to let you go. I hope you understand why..." I said to him.
Within a split second, everything, the room, the objects we were taking out of the closet, and even him, my ex, disappeared. Within a split second, there was nothing else in the room but me.
Nothing else but emptiness and me standing there on my own...
In the dream was my ex. We were together in a room, I'm not sure where but the locale seemed so familiar. Somehow, it was in my home in the Netherlands, or so it looked like. We were just talking, mostly me doing the talking.
"Let's just put it all behind us... Put away all the things I have given you, put away all the things you have given me." Moments later, he was going into a cupboard and taking things out and putting them into boxes. Photographs, gifts, letters, notes... All going into a box. I don't remember whether he looked sad, but it happened so naturally.
I think something along the lines of "this has gone on too long". I told him I care about him, love him, and all I want is for him to be happy. "If you are not willing to let go, then I'll let go." In the dream, I felt a peace, strange peace, even though under that peace was a hurt that was hidden. After all we have gone through, is this how we are to end? It felt like giving up a bit of me, cutting off a bit of my flesh. But it also felt liberating, for his presence in my life felt like a heavy burden. The same conversations, the same sadness, the same questions lingering on and on... He wants to be with me, but he wants to be with someone else. His heart longs for me, but his mind is wandering elsewhere.
"I just want you to be happy. So I am willing to let you go. I hope you understand why..." I said to him.
Within a split second, everything, the room, the objects we were taking out of the closet, and even him, my ex, disappeared. Within a split second, there was nothing else in the room but me.
Nothing else but emptiness and me standing there on my own...
Plan
Where do I get these crazy ideas?
Perhaps it's my way of escaping, of getting far, far away from reality by clinging onto some fantasy in my head that is comforting and familiar. And the idea involves my ex, who I tend to think about, especially in my darkest moments of despair, in my most testing moments of loneliness and desperation, without even intending...
Will it work out?
Is it too insane?
I have to get the 'balls' rolling and see how he will respond. Because how he responds will be a true test of whether he means what he says to me. Whether he will agree to meet me at a certain time or place will be real proof of how far he is willing to go to meet me...
Perhaps it's my way of escaping, of getting far, far away from reality by clinging onto some fantasy in my head that is comforting and familiar. And the idea involves my ex, who I tend to think about, especially in my darkest moments of despair, in my most testing moments of loneliness and desperation, without even intending...
Will it work out?
Is it too insane?
I have to get the 'balls' rolling and see how he will respond. Because how he responds will be a true test of whether he means what he says to me. Whether he will agree to meet me at a certain time or place will be real proof of how far he is willing to go to meet me...
24 April 2012
Thought...
There are moments when you just want to curl up and disappear from this world...
Moments when you wish there was someone you could talk to and not be afraid.
Moments when you wish there was someone you could talk to and not be afraid.
Lightning
The sky is flashing every few seconds. a storm is brewing in the not too far distance. I'm sitting here again, in room 40, Ward 111, while mum falls asleep and lightly
snores. an oppressively hot day, over 33C in the month of April, is about to end. heavy showers are expecte
d through the night.
i'm supposed to be home night, it was so agreed. so i delivered dinner at seven, and brother would take over at close to ten and stay the night. i was planning to go home nd have good night of sleep, for it's been far too long...
Brother came as promised, all prepared to stay, and i explained to him things he needs to be aware of. he came with the will to stay, but his body was unwilling. he is still coughing and sneezing, and though he put on a mask when i told him to, mum was still concerned. And rightly so, for she is terribly, terribly frail now, and still has very little appetite. brother was very apologetic as he left...
so here i am again, the night carer. thinking i'd be homelater i didn't even bring any of my book to study. but i guessyoucould always improvise and still study by reading cases online. it's better than nothing at all...
snores. an oppressively hot day, over 33C in the month of April, is about to end. heavy showers are expecte
d through the night.
i'm supposed to be home night, it was so agreed. so i delivered dinner at seven, and brother would take over at close to ten and stay the night. i was planning to go home nd have good night of sleep, for it's been far too long...
Brother came as promised, all prepared to stay, and i explained to him things he needs to be aware of. he came with the will to stay, but his body was unwilling. he is still coughing and sneezing, and though he put on a mask when i told him to, mum was still concerned. And rightly so, for she is terribly, terribly frail now, and still has very little appetite. brother was very apologetic as he left...
so here i am again, the night carer. thinking i'd be homelater i didn't even bring any of my book to study. but i guessyoucould always improvise and still study by reading cases online. it's better than nothing at all...
23 April 2012
Preparation
Every morning I see them. Patients coming to be picked up in special beds that originate from the operating department on the third floor if TVG. The beds come with special orderlies who wear a purple top, and the patients are covered under a thick light green blanket.
Everyday I see a scene like that, I'm reminded of that day when they came for my mum. An anxious day, an anxious few hours of waiting outside the operating area, hoping and praying. I'm sure with every patient that is about to be wheeled to the third floor is a whole host of people who are going to be anxiously hoping and praying too...
Every time I see this scene, I try to take a good look at the patient and flash them with a smile. Silently, deep inside I wish the patient a successful operation and a speedy recovery. For for many the journey down to the third floor on that special hospital bed and under that thick light green blanket is just the beginning of a long process...
Everyday I see a scene like that, I'm reminded of that day when they came for my mum. An anxious day, an anxious few hours of waiting outside the operating area, hoping and praying. I'm sure with every patient that is about to be wheeled to the third floor is a whole host of people who are going to be anxiously hoping and praying too...
Every time I see this scene, I try to take a good look at the patient and flash them with a smile. Silently, deep inside I wish the patient a successful operation and a speedy recovery. For for many the journey down to the third floor on that special hospital bed and under that thick light green blanket is just the beginning of a long process...
Plans
I felt so terribly tired and drained today, and I have this terrible paranoia that I'm falling ill. It's not helped by the fact that I repeatedly tell my brother, who's still sniffing away and sometimes sneezing, to put on a mask and he does not listen. Over lunch, he accidentally sneezed, and I could feel vapours lands on my hand, and I'm sure into my food...
Normally I'd head back to hospital at around seven in the evening, but today I was just too tired, too lazy, so I let my brother go, and said I'd go by later and sleep there. I don't know what got into me, but I just felt so very tired and could not pry myself out of bed and study as I planned to, but instead was just lounging around and watching reruns of a comedy online.
I arrived at the hospital at close to nine thirty. mum and my brother and I talked a bit. He asked how my studying is going, and I admitted it's been terribly slow, and that I'm very tired. It was the mum mentioned my plan to head back to Canada soon in order to study, really focus on studying.
"Go book your ticket already! Why are you still waiting?!" he said.
I'm still waiting because I'm so uncertain what mum's condition is, and I seem to be waiting for a sign that she's be ok. That sign would be when she gets discharged from hospital, then at least I'll have some ease of mind.
"Just go and book your flights..." mum joined in brother's advice, "It'll make me happy to see you go after your own plans..."
Was she just saying it, or did she really mean it. Moments later, when brother was not around any more, and as I massaged her arms and legs with lotion (they are terribly dry from the aircon and also bad nutrition...) she told me to stop treating her like this. "I'll be so sad when you're not here..."
Mum deep down wants me to go and do my own things. She even said that she hopes the position I applied for two weeks ago will have a positive response, for she would be so proud to see me work and make some income. But I know she will hurt when I leave. I know I will hurt when I leave... We have gone through so much over the past (almost...) four months. And thinking back at what I try to do to make her feel comfortable and loved,
I know I will be so sad and that it'll be so hard to "let go" when I leave... It'll be so hard after all the effort and time I've spent trying to get mum better and on her own feet again...
"I'm here now, so go and do what you have to do!" brother urged again, "If you want to go travel a bit, go now. I'll be here with mum..."
I must learn to let go, to let others take over. I must not think only I am able to do things, only I am able to make mum feel comfortable and cared for. I must give brother (and my sister-in-law) a chance to be mum's children, a chance to demonstrate that they too care about her. As much as I'm unwilling, I must learn to let go, learn to leave and not feel guilty or like I'm forsaking my mother...
So I booked my flight, and perhaps as soon as the day after it is my hope to be on my long-awaited road trip.
Normally I'd head back to hospital at around seven in the evening, but today I was just too tired, too lazy, so I let my brother go, and said I'd go by later and sleep there. I don't know what got into me, but I just felt so very tired and could not pry myself out of bed and study as I planned to, but instead was just lounging around and watching reruns of a comedy online.
I arrived at the hospital at close to nine thirty. mum and my brother and I talked a bit. He asked how my studying is going, and I admitted it's been terribly slow, and that I'm very tired. It was the mum mentioned my plan to head back to Canada soon in order to study, really focus on studying.
"Go book your ticket already! Why are you still waiting?!" he said.
I'm still waiting because I'm so uncertain what mum's condition is, and I seem to be waiting for a sign that she's be ok. That sign would be when she gets discharged from hospital, then at least I'll have some ease of mind.
"Just go and book your flights..." mum joined in brother's advice, "It'll make me happy to see you go after your own plans..."
Was she just saying it, or did she really mean it. Moments later, when brother was not around any more, and as I massaged her arms and legs with lotion (they are terribly dry from the aircon and also bad nutrition...) she told me to stop treating her like this. "I'll be so sad when you're not here..."
Mum deep down wants me to go and do my own things. She even said that she hopes the position I applied for two weeks ago will have a positive response, for she would be so proud to see me work and make some income. But I know she will hurt when I leave. I know I will hurt when I leave... We have gone through so much over the past (almost...) four months. And thinking back at what I try to do to make her feel comfortable and loved,
I know I will be so sad and that it'll be so hard to "let go" when I leave... It'll be so hard after all the effort and time I've spent trying to get mum better and on her own feet again...
"I'm here now, so go and do what you have to do!" brother urged again, "If you want to go travel a bit, go now. I'll be here with mum..."
I must learn to let go, to let others take over. I must not think only I am able to do things, only I am able to make mum feel comfortable and cared for. I must give brother (and my sister-in-law) a chance to be mum's children, a chance to demonstrate that they too care about her. As much as I'm unwilling, I must learn to let go, learn to leave and not feel guilty or like I'm forsaking my mother...
So I booked my flight, and perhaps as soon as the day after it is my hope to be on my long-awaited road trip.
Conversation with ex
Not having spoken to him for over a month, I accidentally answered the phone when he called (he's been calling, but I usually don't pick up...)
As usual, exchanges of what has been happening here and with mum, and what he has been up to. I told him honestly, it takes a lot of courage to talk to him, because I am breaking a vow to myself that I would not contact him so he can really just move on and forget about me.
At one point, I asked him how he's doing, how "they" (as in he and his boyfriend...) are doing. It's no secret any more that almost as soon as I left, my ex go together with the guy, and has been seen together with my friends-- which has caused some heads to shake. It's sad and ugly to hear it said or to think it, but to many it feels like the old flame has gone, and a new one comes along to replace me...
Sparing on the details, my ex said he needs to "talk" with his guy. I don't know what he means, and what he is doing or thinking. But it really does seem like he still cannot let me go, and is hoping that perhaps we could have something together. Either that, or I'm dreaming, fantasising, and gearing up for a huge disappointment.
I told him there is nothing I wish him except that he is well, happy and loved. Really, being in hospital all day, seeing so many people being ill, you realise the importance of family, the importance of having a loved one by your side when you most need someone. And there is perhaps no greater source of strength than love, love in the relationship sense of the word, to heal and to give someone hope. People can look for all the fun and pleasures in life, but at the end of the day, beyond the physical pleasures and lust, true love is wanting to be with someone no matter what. True love is like my aunt and late uncle, lasting and enduring, painful but beautiful till the very end...
He told he things have been very difficult, and he feels much regret. I was not sure what to say... He made a choice, he is still together with the other guy, but he's not happy, his heart is still divided and he's still longing for me... Again, why would anyone be in a relationship when the heart is not fully there? Why would you give someone the impression that you are with him, when you are thinking of another? It just smells of dishonesty, and as I told him, it hurts to be that person...
It has not escaped me that it is almost one year since the beginning of the breakdown of our short-lived relationship and eventual break-up. It all began with a concert he went to with the guy at around this time last year, and the rest is history.
One year on, and my ex is still as confused, still so distraught and troubled by the same issues. "Life/ love can be so simple", I wrote him. I don't understand what it is that is making him make things so complicated. And with time, if there are issues unsaid, issues undealt with, things will get even more complicated. Sometimes it's just a matter of letting go. Let go, or else you'll lose every thing.
He told me there is one line that he hears inside his head over and over again. A line from one of my favourite songs:
"Afraid to confess what I'm feeling,
Frightened you'll slip away.
You must love me...
You must love me..."
With all this confusion, and the same mess as a year ago still weighing down on my ex and me, honesty be told "Frightened, I'll slip away."
As usual, exchanges of what has been happening here and with mum, and what he has been up to. I told him honestly, it takes a lot of courage to talk to him, because I am breaking a vow to myself that I would not contact him so he can really just move on and forget about me.
At one point, I asked him how he's doing, how "they" (as in he and his boyfriend...) are doing. It's no secret any more that almost as soon as I left, my ex go together with the guy, and has been seen together with my friends-- which has caused some heads to shake. It's sad and ugly to hear it said or to think it, but to many it feels like the old flame has gone, and a new one comes along to replace me...
 |
| life/love can be so simple... |
Sparing on the details, my ex said he needs to "talk" with his guy. I don't know what he means, and what he is doing or thinking. But it really does seem like he still cannot let me go, and is hoping that perhaps we could have something together. Either that, or I'm dreaming, fantasising, and gearing up for a huge disappointment.
I told him there is nothing I wish him except that he is well, happy and loved. Really, being in hospital all day, seeing so many people being ill, you realise the importance of family, the importance of having a loved one by your side when you most need someone. And there is perhaps no greater source of strength than love, love in the relationship sense of the word, to heal and to give someone hope. People can look for all the fun and pleasures in life, but at the end of the day, beyond the physical pleasures and lust, true love is wanting to be with someone no matter what. True love is like my aunt and late uncle, lasting and enduring, painful but beautiful till the very end...
He told he things have been very difficult, and he feels much regret. I was not sure what to say... He made a choice, he is still together with the other guy, but he's not happy, his heart is still divided and he's still longing for me... Again, why would anyone be in a relationship when the heart is not fully there? Why would you give someone the impression that you are with him, when you are thinking of another? It just smells of dishonesty, and as I told him, it hurts to be that person...
It has not escaped me that it is almost one year since the beginning of the breakdown of our short-lived relationship and eventual break-up. It all began with a concert he went to with the guy at around this time last year, and the rest is history.
One year on, and my ex is still as confused, still so distraught and troubled by the same issues. "Life/ love can be so simple", I wrote him. I don't understand what it is that is making him make things so complicated. And with time, if there are issues unsaid, issues undealt with, things will get even more complicated. Sometimes it's just a matter of letting go. Let go, or else you'll lose every thing.
He told me there is one line that he hears inside his head over and over again. A line from one of my favourite songs:
"Afraid to confess what I'm feeling,
Frightened you'll slip away.
You must love me...
You must love me..."
With all this confusion, and the same mess as a year ago still weighing down on my ex and me, honesty be told "Frightened, I'll slip away."
T tube
I sat anxiously on her bed and waited with mum outside the fluoroscopy room. Even with classical music playing on my iPhone, I could not quell my worries. Though mum seemed able to doze off. Occasionally, I touched her legs and feet in a way to let her know I'm here, I'm right by her side.
The last time she was here was close to three weeks ago, when she had an NJ tube inserted to stop her from vomiting. Now that the bypass surgery seems to have been successful, she's been able to eat and the vomiting to merely one or two mouthfuls a day, if at all. It's a dramatic improvement. But jaundice, the yellowing of her skin caused by the inability to expel bile, has rid her of her appetite again. She's become so terribly frail and thin again, and is barely able to stand for more than a few minutes...
This time, the doctor wanted to insert a T tube (not sure what the T stands for...), which will penetrate the biliary tree (group of vessels leading from the gallbladder which produces bile), so as to drain the bile that for a while has been unable to pass out of her body. I read on a notice board that long term bile retention will cause not just the skin and eye whites to become eye yellows, but also cause body poisoning and even liver failure. Hopefully, it has not come to that...
Mum was wheeled into the fluoroscopy room, and I stood by her, held her arm until I was told to go. Earlier I saw a notice saying when children need to undergo a medical intervention, parents or carers should remain by their side to calm the children. I don't understand why this is only limited to patients who are children...
I was so tired after I left the room, and feeling somewhat ill. I've been skewing late to study, and get woken up when the daytime carer arrives before seven, so not much sleep. I was told that the procedure would take around an hour or so, so I headed back to her room to nap a little. I was getting very dizzy and faint...
I barely got to rest when mum was wheeled back. She was drifting in and out of consciousness, due to the anaesthesia. On her right hand side was a tube and a pouch, and already it was filling quickly blacks vile-looking black liquid.
The doctor came by and said the procedure was a success, and that mum should soon feel some relief. Mum looked tired but hopeful, and though she slept most of the afternoon, she did say that the bloated feelings in her stomach were slowly subsiding. It is not known yet how long she has to have to T tube inserted (by my understanding, as long as necessary until the blockage issue is resolved... which may mean another major surgery to reroute the duodenum and bile ducts, as the surgeon previously suggested...) But at least for now, one issue has been resolved, and I will be so happy if mum can go home soon...
22 April 2012
Pic from ex
Not sure what he is trying to say to me by sending me pictures of me I placed in his scrapbook... Not even sure how to respond
Is he missing me...?
Am I still on his mind...?
Why, I don't understand.
(though, I did just read a note he sent me around a month ago addressed to my mum and I, saying how much he admires our courage and the relationship we have together, but also the letter was filled with worry and fears after not hearing from me for a while...).
Is he missing me...?
Am I still on his mind...?
Why, I don't understand.
(though, I did just read a note he sent me around a month ago addressed to my mum and I, saying how much he admires our courage and the relationship we have together, but also the letter was filled with worry and fears after not hearing from me for a while...).
Instant noodles
Brother returned this afternoon after being gone for three days. It was a sort of self-imposed quarantine, for he and his entire family fell seriously ill, and they were afraid of contaminating mum-- which in her fragile state of health would be devastating.
Brother said he was knocked out for several days, and slept almost all the time. Though he seems to better, my sister-in-law got worse, and my nephew has not been hopping and jumping around like the little energetic rabbit he normally is.
My brother dropped by the hospital and it was rare that only the three of us (original members of the family...) were together in one room. We chatted a bit, and it was then brother expressed a concern.
"You've been eating instant noodles," he said, "You know how it hurt me to hear that?" He heard from his wife, who I suspect saw wrapping in the bin a few days ago.
It's true, I've been eating instant noodles over the past two weeks, but only three times, and that's it. I rarely touch the stuff, but I've just been so tired of eating out and tired of eating more or less the same things every single meal every single day, the "next best alternative" seemed to be instant noodles. I know it's terrible food, but I do add egg and tofu and veggies when I cook it (if it makes it better...)
What was telling was my brother showing a rare sign of how he cares. He said I should eat better, like so many people, and that just because mum can't eat well, doesn't mean I have to be like her.
It's easier to say... But really I've lost a lot of appetite (but not much weight, luckily...) just from fatigue and stress, from the depression and deep sense of loneliness, that nowadays I just want to fill my stomach. And it's so hard to eat by myself, so I tend to eat out and eat very quickly.
It's so unlike me, for normally I place a lot of importance on food. But these are desperate, desperate times... And my eating habits are very disturbed, and made worse with bad stomach cramps I occasionally get from worry and stress...
Brother said he was knocked out for several days, and slept almost all the time. Though he seems to better, my sister-in-law got worse, and my nephew has not been hopping and jumping around like the little energetic rabbit he normally is.
My brother dropped by the hospital and it was rare that only the three of us (original members of the family...) were together in one room. We chatted a bit, and it was then brother expressed a concern.
"You've been eating instant noodles," he said, "You know how it hurt me to hear that?" He heard from his wife, who I suspect saw wrapping in the bin a few days ago.
It's true, I've been eating instant noodles over the past two weeks, but only three times, and that's it. I rarely touch the stuff, but I've just been so tired of eating out and tired of eating more or less the same things every single meal every single day, the "next best alternative" seemed to be instant noodles. I know it's terrible food, but I do add egg and tofu and veggies when I cook it (if it makes it better...)
What was telling was my brother showing a rare sign of how he cares. He said I should eat better, like so many people, and that just because mum can't eat well, doesn't mean I have to be like her.
It's easier to say... But really I've lost a lot of appetite (but not much weight, luckily...) just from fatigue and stress, from the depression and deep sense of loneliness, that nowadays I just want to fill my stomach. And it's so hard to eat by myself, so I tend to eat out and eat very quickly.
It's so unlike me, for normally I place a lot of importance on food. But these are desperate, desperate times... And my eating habits are very disturbed, and made worse with bad stomach cramps I occasionally get from worry and stress...
Lump
Mum looked like she was in a lot of pain. When asked what it feels like, she cannot say. "Just discomfort all over..." The problem is mainly in the bowel area.
She asked me to rub some mint ointment on her belly, which to some degree would alleviate the discomfort of bloatedness she feels.
There was a visible and touchable lump to the right of her latest incision. It felt hard and abnormal. It was the source of much of mum's current discomforts...
"How hard it is on you..." I kept on saying to mum. It may sound condescending, trivialising, but not combined with the way I would rub mum's back whenever I said those words to mum.
It really has been so hard on her. She seemed to be recovering and was so hopeful toward the end of last week to be discharged, but her skin turned yellower and yellower, and her appetite (and hence also strength...) deteriorated and deteriorated...
Tomorrow a small surgical procedure is planned to insert a tube to drain bile from the inflamed gallbladder. That should relieve the bloated feelings and hopefully make the jaundice subside with time. After some googling online, I came across some startling news. Jaundice may also be caused by pancreatic cancer... Could it be? Could it be...?
How hard it has been for her, to be so tormented by her body, and over the past few months, to have to deal with issue after issue after issue.
I hope and pray, hope and pray that mum can go home soon, for she needs to be home, she needs to be reminded that there is a world beyond these hospital walls.
For the longer she stays at the hospital, the weaker her resolve is, the more she is growing weaker in mind and spirit...
She asked me to rub some mint ointment on her belly, which to some degree would alleviate the discomfort of bloatedness she feels.
There was a visible and touchable lump to the right of her latest incision. It felt hard and abnormal. It was the source of much of mum's current discomforts...
"How hard it is on you..." I kept on saying to mum. It may sound condescending, trivialising, but not combined with the way I would rub mum's back whenever I said those words to mum.
It really has been so hard on her. She seemed to be recovering and was so hopeful toward the end of last week to be discharged, but her skin turned yellower and yellower, and her appetite (and hence also strength...) deteriorated and deteriorated...
Tomorrow a small surgical procedure is planned to insert a tube to drain bile from the inflamed gallbladder. That should relieve the bloated feelings and hopefully make the jaundice subside with time. After some googling online, I came across some startling news. Jaundice may also be caused by pancreatic cancer... Could it be? Could it be...?
How hard it has been for her, to be so tormented by her body, and over the past few months, to have to deal with issue after issue after issue.
I hope and pray, hope and pray that mum can go home soon, for she needs to be home, she needs to be reminded that there is a world beyond these hospital walls.
For the longer she stays at the hospital, the weaker her resolve is, the more she is growing weaker in mind and spirit...
48 hours
I left the hospital, close to 48 hours since I last entered it. My head and body were itchy, as I've not showered in the same amount of time. But I was surprisingly not too tired. Perhaps because I "napped" till almost noon today, after going to sleep at close to two. Or perhaps the fatigue is yet to come when I collapse onto bed...
Seems I've entered a sort of routine of studying late at night after I've put mum to sleep. I don't really get much studying done, for before long it's already past one or two in the morning, which means I'll be woken up in a few hours by the doctors around seven when they conduct routine room checks. And every hour or so, the night nurse would come in and see me sit at the dressing table studying. In the few hours I do sit done to read, I can concentrate pretty well. Though there is so much material to cover, and it is extremely daunting to have to cover everything from scratch and through self-study in the next three weeks, at times I turn back and see mum lie there, I am reminded of the reasons why I am studying, why I must work hard:
yes, it's for myself in the end, but a large reason why I eagerly would like to sit this upcoming exam is for mum! To make her proud! To demonstrate to her that despite distractions and adverse circumstances, I (hopefully...) still can succeed what I set my mind to do. And hopefully, when she sees me do what I have to do, and go after my plans and dreams, she can feel at ease, and feel a semblance of comfort and happiness... It is my hope that that little bit of comfort and happiness can rub away a bit of the pain and discomforts she feels on a daily basis...
Seems I've entered a sort of routine of studying late at night after I've put mum to sleep. I don't really get much studying done, for before long it's already past one or two in the morning, which means I'll be woken up in a few hours by the doctors around seven when they conduct routine room checks. And every hour or so, the night nurse would come in and see me sit at the dressing table studying. In the few hours I do sit done to read, I can concentrate pretty well. Though there is so much material to cover, and it is extremely daunting to have to cover everything from scratch and through self-study in the next three weeks, at times I turn back and see mum lie there, I am reminded of the reasons why I am studying, why I must work hard:
yes, it's for myself in the end, but a large reason why I eagerly would like to sit this upcoming exam is for mum! To make her proud! To demonstrate to her that despite distractions and adverse circumstances, I (hopefully...) still can succeed what I set my mind to do. And hopefully, when she sees me do what I have to do, and go after my plans and dreams, she can feel at ease, and feel a semblance of comfort and happiness... It is my hope that that little bit of comfort and happiness can rub away a bit of the pain and discomforts she feels on a daily basis...
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