Plans

I felt so terribly tired and drained today, and I have this terrible paranoia that I'm falling ill. It's not helped by the fact that I repeatedly tell my brother, who's still sniffing away and sometimes sneezing, to put on a mask and he does not listen. Over lunch, he accidentally sneezed, and I could feel vapours lands on my hand, and I'm sure into my food...

Normally I'd head back to hospital at around seven in the evening, but today I was just too tired, too lazy, so I let my brother go, and said I'd go by later and sleep there. I don't know what got into me, but I just felt so very tired and could not pry myself out of bed and study as I planned to, but instead was just lounging around and watching reruns of a comedy online.

I arrived at the hospital at close to nine thirty. mum and my brother and I talked a bit. He asked how my studying is going, and I admitted it's been terribly slow, and that I'm very tired. It was the mum mentioned my plan to head back to Canada soon in order to study, really focus on studying.

"Go book your ticket already! Why are you still waiting?!" he said.

I'm still waiting because I'm so uncertain what mum's condition is, and I seem to be waiting for a sign that she's be ok. That sign would be when she gets discharged from hospital, then at least I'll have some ease of mind.

"Just go and book your flights..." mum joined in brother's advice, "It'll make me happy to see you go after your own plans..."

Was she just saying it, or did she really mean it. Moments later, when brother was not around any more, and as I massaged her arms and legs with lotion (they are terribly dry from the aircon and also bad nutrition...) she told me to stop treating her like this. "I'll be so sad when you're not here..."

Mum deep down wants me to go and do my own things. She even said that she hopes the position I applied for two weeks ago will have a positive response, for she would be so proud to see me work and make some income. But I know she will hurt when I leave. I know I will hurt when I leave... We have gone through so much over the past (almost...) four months. And thinking back at what I try to do to make her feel comfortable and loved,
I know I will be so sad and that it'll be so hard to "let go" when I leave... It'll be so hard after all the effort and time I've spent trying to get mum better and on her own feet again...

"I'm here now, so go and do what you have to do!" brother urged again, "If you want to go travel a bit, go now. I'll be here with mum..."

I must learn to let go, to let others take over. I must not think only I am able to do things, only I am able to make mum feel comfortable and cared for. I must give brother (and my sister-in-law) a chance to be mum's children, a chance to demonstrate that they too care about her. As much as I'm unwilling, I must learn to let go, learn to leave and not feel guilty or like I'm forsaking my mother...

So I booked my flight, and perhaps as soon as the day after it is my hope to be on my long-awaited road trip.