One step forward, two steps back

Mum sounded so tired on the phone, so tired I could hardly understand her. She said she slept poorly last night, a contrast from the nights before when she slept relatively well.

"What should I being for dinner?" I asked. It's my "standard" question these days, now that I'm at home the majority of the time and visit her only in the evenings. She said she didn't know what she wants to eat, and that she vomited earlier.

It's very frustrating to hear that, and hear the sound of her voice. For the past few months, it seems to be one step forward, and two steps back as her health gradually deteriorates. You have days and moments when you think she looks so well, well enough to be discharged. And next movements, the next day, you see her lie there looking so tired, struggling to breathe with the aid of a tube...

I went to see her tonight, and we had a good hour or so of alone time together, something rare since the 24hr carer was hired. I lounged by mum's bed side and we chatted. Now and then, I'd hold her hand and massage her fingers, and move her arm and her hand close to my face as if to kiss them.

I remembered my ex sending me a letter he wrote to my mum sometime back, which I only read last week and promised I'd translate to mum. And tonight I did just that.

I didn't translate word by word, but the general gist of the message. My ex was appreciative of my mum, foe welcoming him to our home(s), and for also being an inspiration to him, he said. All these years, he's watched from afar as she fights against the terrible illness of cancer, and he is deeply touched by my mum's strength and courage, and ability to translate pain into beautiful memories and moments. There were various lines praising me, going as far as saying I'm the greatest "gift" of all. I guess in a way my ex wants to reassure my mum whatever happens, she has raised a wonderful son who will carry on her legacy, her kindness and generosity.

Mum was silence as I translated the letter, but there was a moment when she moved her hand to the corner of her eye. Afterwards I asked her whether she had anything to say, but she said she was too tired to think. "Thank him for his care..." she said, and closed her eyes.