As usual, exchanges of what has been happening here and with mum, and what he has been up to. I told him honestly, it takes a lot of courage to talk to him, because I am breaking a vow to myself that I would not contact him so he can really just move on and forget about me.
At one point, I asked him how he's doing, how "they" (as in he and his boyfriend...) are doing. It's no secret any more that almost as soon as I left, my ex go together with the guy, and has been seen together with my friends-- which has caused some heads to shake. It's sad and ugly to hear it said or to think it, but to many it feels like the old flame has gone, and a new one comes along to replace me...
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| life/love can be so simple... |
Sparing on the details, my ex said he needs to "talk" with his guy. I don't know what he means, and what he is doing or thinking. But it really does seem like he still cannot let me go, and is hoping that perhaps we could have something together. Either that, or I'm dreaming, fantasising, and gearing up for a huge disappointment.
I told him there is nothing I wish him except that he is well, happy and loved. Really, being in hospital all day, seeing so many people being ill, you realise the importance of family, the importance of having a loved one by your side when you most need someone. And there is perhaps no greater source of strength than love, love in the relationship sense of the word, to heal and to give someone hope. People can look for all the fun and pleasures in life, but at the end of the day, beyond the physical pleasures and lust, true love is wanting to be with someone no matter what. True love is like my aunt and late uncle, lasting and enduring, painful but beautiful till the very end...
He told he things have been very difficult, and he feels much regret. I was not sure what to say... He made a choice, he is still together with the other guy, but he's not happy, his heart is still divided and he's still longing for me... Again, why would anyone be in a relationship when the heart is not fully there? Why would you give someone the impression that you are with him, when you are thinking of another? It just smells of dishonesty, and as I told him, it hurts to be that person...
It has not escaped me that it is almost one year since the beginning of the breakdown of our short-lived relationship and eventual break-up. It all began with a concert he went to with the guy at around this time last year, and the rest is history.
One year on, and my ex is still as confused, still so distraught and troubled by the same issues. "Life/ love can be so simple", I wrote him. I don't understand what it is that is making him make things so complicated. And with time, if there are issues unsaid, issues undealt with, things will get even more complicated. Sometimes it's just a matter of letting go. Let go, or else you'll lose every thing.
He told me there is one line that he hears inside his head over and over again. A line from one of my favourite songs:
"Afraid to confess what I'm feeling,
Frightened you'll slip away.
You must love me...
You must love me..."
With all this confusion, and the same mess as a year ago still weighing down on my ex and me, honesty be told "Frightened, I'll slip away."
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