It's in the rain

It's thundering and flashing outside. There's something magical about spending a cold, dark night at home, listening to soft music and the raindrops hit the window.

End of another week at uni. The last couple of days have been long and tiring, so much so I sometimes could hardly keep open during lectures. It's a common disease which plagues students on days just before deadline days. The symptoms are nausea, students with swollen and crusty eyes clutching dearly onto cups of coffee in the corridors, and an obvious decline in attendance. Some friends of mine scared themselves when the image in the mirror looked back.

The lecturer was obviously not pleased this morning when the lecture hall was half full (or half empty). He said he'll start 'cracking down' on people who don't show up and start taking the register every lecture. Our course guideline clearly said that I'm supposed to be doing a masters, but I felt like I was back in high school again.

One paper handed in, and another doled out. "Research never stops", the lecturer added. Due in less than three weeks, and one day before mid-term a mid-term test. We shivered and wondered how we're going to manage through this one. Some people joked that we head straight back into the library after class today.... but all we wanted was to sit in a cafe outside, celebrate by clinking our coffee cups and beer glasses together, and make-believe that the worst is now behind us...for the time being.

Maybe it's the tiredness talking, or halucinations from lack of sleep, but I could swear I received some very mixed signals today. Sitting next to the guy today I felt him brush against my shoulder and arm a couple of times. I brushed aside the brief contact between us as nothing more than unintended accidents. I mean it was pretty cramped being stuck in the middle of a row of seats in a lecture hall with not much space to move in, let alone take notes. He had this habit of leaning over toward me when jotting down notes. I would sometimes look up and admire the fine hairs on the back of his neck and sniff at his hair, then look down again pretending that I was busy writing. When in factfor a split second my mind would wander, and wonder what it all may mean... Accident, I'm sure. But then again, there was no contact between the girl sitting on my other side throughout the two hour lecture.

Then at one point, somewhere after we had just covered how a breach by a state of an international obligation leads to an ensuing responsibility, he tapped me on the arm. I turned to him and he pointed to his notes. He had doodled something between the lines. I raised my eyebrows and looked at him curiously when I realised what. It was a heart, with a cupid's arrow through it. My mind went wild, and scared at the same time, at the unlikely surrealness of it all.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
Pointing to the two concepts of 'breach' and 'state responsibility' he smiled and said: "You know, just that these two love each other."

Maybe just coincidence, some twisted way of life and accidents trying to toy with, taunt and tease me and my hopes, but a boy could dream. And I often do.

Classmate

I guess I always knew there was something different about her.

I popped into the supermarket just before going home today, mainly because the cat food is finished. As I entered I saw this girl at the entrance and immediately recognised her. She used to be in my class in middle school, and she suddenly left, whereto nobody knew. People made fun of her because she was 'different'...because she didn't shave, because she was pimply and dressed liked a hippy, because she talked slow and "acted weird", because she was a loner and emersed herself in singing and music. I took pity on her because I knew very well what it felt to be 'on the outside'. Kids can be mean to each other.

And here we were, six, perhaps seven years, down the line, meeting by chance at the local supermarket. She hadn't changed that much, and part of the reason I recognised her immediately. We chatted a bit, exchanging our lives over the past few years. She's been around, "hippie life took over" she said, never managed to finish a study, been working on farms all over the place. All she wants to do is sing.

I told what I'm studying now and her reaction was: "But isn't that to do with war and econmics and stuff?" I explained a little about how international law is not just about war, but about many other things. She looked at me with intensity and a nervous smile, so intense I was unsure what she was thinking. She didn't change a bit from the way she was back in high school. Sometimes you get the feeling that she's stoned or that her mind is completely blank. Probably the reason people shunned her. I never thought it was any reason to dislike a person....she's just the way she is.

We cycled home together, since we live just a few numbers down the same street. Suddenly she told me something, which explained a lot, and probably something I'd suspected all this time. Two years ago they diagnosed her with autism, something they never realised for over twenty years of her life.

"That's why I can't remember a lot of, you know, stuff," she said.
"Yeah, I guess that explains somethings."
"Like when you're twelve you don't remember things from five. Like when you're twenty, you don't remember stuff from twelve. Like that."
"Yeah, I guess that explains a lot of things," I said.

We laughed together, at the small secret we shared.

Supermarket man

I've not seen him in almost two years.

As I walked into the supermarket this morning he waved at me, and to my surprise he recognised me still. We met a few days after I started working in Leiden, at the entrance to the supermarket. He's always there, every morning, and much earlier than I ever was. It's warm to see his smile and hear his greeting every morning. Whenever I walk into the supermarket to buy my breakfast, I'd always buy a bit more. We'd often chat over a croissant and juice.

He's not changed much since the last time I saw him. Still the same big smile, still the same warm voice and firm handshake. He left his family in Nigeria a few years ago to come to work in the Netherlands. He's not seen them since. And now he sells newspapers. A dozen cents for him for each paper he sells. But he stands there every morning of every day, at the entrance to the supermarket, with a big smile and nods to every passerby.

I've gone around the world and back since I last saw him. He's been selling papers day in and day out since he last saw me.

APPEAL! Gay couple to be forced apart

Just when you think that the Netherlands is a progressive country when it comes to gay rights, you're made to think again.

I came across this story of a Dutch man who fell in love with a Taiwanese man eight years ago. They subsequently got married as soon as same-sex marriage was normalised. But when the Taiwanese man went to renew his residence permit back in 2001, the Immigration Service rejected the application. Apparently the man still had not completed his compulsary military service in Taiwan, and by law must return to Taiwan to complete his duties. Representatives of the Taiwanese authorities confiscated his passport, and by law everyone who resides in the Netherlands is required to have some form of identification papers, or will considered and illegal immigrant and be forcibly deported!

Until a few years ago gays were not allowed in the Taiwanese military, and instead you had to undergo two years of 'psychiatric help'. That's changed, but still if the Taiwanese man has to go back to serve in the army, he faces eighteen months of forced separation from his partner, and a possible two to five years of imprisonment for defying a military order. Scandalous, and an utter disregard of the rights of individuals to a private and family life... and the Dutch government has done nothing to prevent this from happening, and instead is assisting by deporting the man out of the country!

The couple took the case to the highest court, and after five grueling years of court action and waiting for a response from the Immigration Service the appeal was rejected. The court actually argued that interfering in the couple's marriage was justified "in the interest of the economic wellbeing of the Netherlands and protection of public order". A twisted argument based the ridiculous assumption that all foreigners will be a burden and threat to the country, even though the couple have the economic means to support themselves! This case again underlines the inhumane immigration policies of this country and absolute disregard for human rights, and more specifically the current government's disregard of the importance of equal rights for homosexuals. This right-wing Christian conservative government MUST BE VOTED OUT OF OFFICE IN NOVEMBER!!!

Excerpts from a website set up by the Dutch husband, called Flikker op!
(‘Flikker op’ means ‘go to hell’…the phrase is interesting in this case, because ‘flikker’ also means ‘fag’.)

"We [were involved in court action] for five years, and did our best to comply to the requirements in order to be together. Five years torn by tension, rejections, disappointments, pain and sadness. Five years falling and standing up, in which love held us together. Five years of [court] action in and out of the country, which in the eyes of the state is still not adequate. Whether that has something to do with our orientation you may just for yourself, I give you the following quote from an official piece that was sent to us:

“ [as far as this case is concerned] if it presumed that there is interference with the right to respect of the [family life], [and] with regard to the applicant and his husband, this interference is justified in the interest of the economic wellbeing of the Netherlands and protection of public order.”

The disrespect for the same-sex marriage appears to be overly obvious to us. It feels as if [the Ministry of] Justice does not recognise our marriage, and sees it as unworthy. This hurts, because I can assure you that our love is not less than the love of every other person, and our marriage is not less than that between a man and a woman."

Are there still people who want to fight with us against this injustice? Are there still people in politics who know what human rights are? Help us! I fear that we [will] loose each other! We love each other, and proud to be homo(sexual), but afraid for what our ministers mean by protection, and a “just and humane (immigration) policy”. They want to separate us and for [the ministers of this country it does not matter if my husband goes to jail].

At the moment I am ashamed that I am Dutch. Who makes us proud again?”

I was moved to tears when I read this...

This was reported also in the Gaykrant:

"Officials of the IND [Immigration and Naturalisation Service] assert in an official document that "[there is] doubt as to the legitimacy of the homo(sexual)-marriage" They write this in a report about a homosexual couple that made use of the 'liberalisation' of civil marriage in the Netherlands in May 2001. [link mine]

If the reasoning of the civil servants is followed through by the minister, there will from now on be a two-fold division in marriages, that for heterosexuals and that for homosexuals."

Utterly unconstitutional if this were to really take place. And non-discrimination on whatever grounds is the founding principle of this country. The article continues:

“The Dutch [Ministry of] Justice called it ‘[not a] real divorce”, says a defeated Veenhof [the Dutch partner]. “Ridiculous of course. If we don’t get to see each other for up to seven years, there is nothing left of our marriage.” In the meantime he is, according to him, embittered and fatigued. “We [have come to a dead halt]. I have done everything to prevent this, and it is still happening.” Trust in the Dutch government he has completely forgotten. “It appears as if the government want to deport as many people as possible, and this even though [Minister for Immigration and Integration] Verdonk had clearly promised not to separate married people. I hear nothing about [Prime Minister] Balkenende’s ‘virtues and values [propaganda], of [Minister of Justice] Donner’s promise of protection. I am scared of everything and everyone—and to be honest I am ashamed to be Dutch.”


What you can do to help!

The campaign is in Dutch, but you could still help by visiting this page and putting your signature down as a show of support for the couple:

Uw naam:
[Your name]

Uw e-mail adres:
[Your email address]

If you can read and write Dutch, then you can help by writing to MPs, the Prime Minister and interested parties. There’s a model letter on that same page.

UPDATE 28 Sept2006

A member of the GroenLinks (GreenLeft) party has asked Minsiter of Immigration and Intergration Verdonk for clarification on this matter. MP Naïma Azough argued that in all other preceeding cases of foreigners married to a Dutch national the minister had prevented deportation and extended a residence permit. The question is why this case is treated any different.

'Two Fathers'

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I first heard this through a forum on Gay Authors. Sometime ago there was a kid who sang a song on a children's programme called . The song was titled 'Twee Vaders' (Two fathers), and was about growing up in a family of two fathers. Really sweet and meaningful, take a look here, with subtitles in English.

It was on a show for children called "Kinderen voor Kinderen" (Children for Children), on the Dutch public network VARA.

The show is based on a children's choir group of 8-12yrs olds who sing and produce CDs to raise money for children in the developing world (hence the name!). A number of famous Dutch song-writers are involved in the project, and the children can suggest themes and ideas for songs. The song 'Twee Vaders' (Two Fathers) was in the 2005 album, and it raised a lot of money for the tsunami last year.

Actually the public network is not specifically gay-orientated, and like I said it's a show for kids. But it does show how progressive this country is in terms of the openness and acceptance of gays. I mean where else would you see children singing and clapping along during the day on a public TV network? After all, this is the first country to legalise same-sex partnership. Remember sometime ago I wrote a blog entry on a report in the local paper sometime ago on children growing up in same-sex relationships.

Here's the text to the song:

TWEE VADERS

Wij wonen in een rijtjeshuis
We hebben mooie spullen thuis
We leven heel normaal daar met z’n drietjes bij elkaar
Bas die werkt bij de krant
En Diederik is laborant
Ik ben door hen geadopteerd als baby van een jaar

Nog altijd ben ik enig kind
Maar niet dat ik dat erg vind
Zo krijg ik alle aandacht, alle liefde van die twee
Bas brengt mij altijd naar school
Met Diederik speel ik viool
En met z’n drietjes kijken we de soaps op de TV

Refrein:
Ik heb twee vaders
Twee echte vaders
Soms stoer en ook wel streng
Maar we hebben het heel fijn
Ik heb twee vaders
Twee echte vaders
Die als het moet ook allebei
Mijn moeder kunnen zijn

Wanneer ik naar mijn bed toe ga
Kijkt Diederik mijn huiswerk na
En Bas doet de vaat of hij strijkt de schone was
En als ik ziek of koortsig ben
Dan is er niemand die ik ken
Die zo lief voor mij zal zijn als Diederik of Bas

Refrein
Hij heeft twee vaders
Twee echte vaders
Soms stoer en ook wel streng
Maar we hebben het heel fijn
Hij heeft twee vaders
Twee echte vaders
Die als het moet ook allebei
Mijn moeder kunnen zijn

Brug
Soms wordt ik wel gepest op school
Natuurlijk is dat naar
Jouw ouders zijn homo!
Dat vinden ze maar raar
Dan haal ik maar mijn schouders op
Nou en! Ik ben hun zoon!
’t Is niet zoals bij anderen
Maar voor mij is ’t heel gewoon

Refrein

Intepretation

It's difficult to be 'in between'. And yet I often find myself thrown into situations I'd rather not find myself in.

My brother came home this morning from a three week holiday. Just before going to bed last night, his girlfriend came to my room and asked me to do a 'favour'. She wanted me to stay in my room today and not go downstairs, because she wanted to have a talk with my brother. I felt a little weird, and somewhat offended too that I should be confined to my room without any explaination or reason... but I reluctantly agreed, and so for almost the whole day I stayed upstairs in my room, and only leaving to go to lectures in the afternoon.

Well, now I know what it's all about. When I came home today from classes, his girlfriend pulled me to the side and asked whether I could read something and "intepret" what it meant. I asked her what it was about, and all she said was to just read it, and tell her what I thought.

It was a chat log... between some girl in the US my brother met eight years ago with whom he had a short, but apparently deep relationship. I started reading, but the very moment I realised what this "something" I had been asked to "interpret" meant I stopped reading. I don't want to get involved. I don't need to be drawn into someone's complex relationship and become part of the problem.

So I gave the six page chat log back to the girlfriend, and told her frankly what I felt. I refuse to be part of a conspiracy. I refuse to be part of an evolving episode of distrust and to be the umpire in other people's personal affairs. Though I did give her this very simple advice: it's between you two.

She wasn't too pleased. She wanted a 'second opinion', since I'm the one who's supposed to be interpreting documents and construing the meaning and intentions behind the words. But in very diplomatic language I said I'm simply not interested, and need to defend my own stand. I told her, and this is the truth, that I hadn't read through the dialogue clearly enough to start saying what I think is going on between the two. I'm not going to start construing other people's feelings and intentions based on a very personal dialogue which should not even be shown to me in the first place.

No is no.
No means no.
I refuse to be involved.