Insecure

When I started to work at the university, my official position is 'teamleader'. This means that I'm in charge of running this office, and that I have people 'under' me. I managed to find three students that I already know before and with whom I can get along well, and they usually come once a week. It's two guys and a girl, and hopefully we can find another girl to volunteer with us, sort of to maintain the balance, but also because to organise the competition we are working on, we'd ideally need five people.

I don't really see myself as the 'big boss', especially because we're all around the same age, and I often by food and drinks to share with them when they come to work with me. They really makes my job more pleasant, because most other days I'm completely alone in my office with no-one to talk to at all. I'm sort of physically isolated from the rest of the building, because my office is situated in an attic where people used to house (horse-drawn) carriages. Also the nature of the work is so specialised, I basically do my own thing. It's good, because I'm my own boss, and can come and go when I want to... but then I really don't like the lack of communication with other people. The place I work has already few people, but I'm really far away in another part of the building.

So I was glad that the girl came to assist me today, even though it was only for a few short hours. We started working, and I had to make an important phone call to a big sponsor who we really depend on for the success of the competition. I was so relieved after the phone call, because it went really well, and the lady on the other side was really helpful and friendly, and it sounded like we could really cooperate well together.

I finished the conversation, and told the girl how happy I was it went well, and also how nervous I was making the call.

"Nervous? Why do you get nervous?"

I explained because I don't like talking on the phone, that I prefer to talk to people in person... but even then I'm a bit nervous, especially someone I've never met or spoken to before.

"Why? Low self-esteem?"

I answered yes. It's really that... I just feel so 'inadequate' around people, like there are things wrong with me, even though there aren't anything. People have told me many times, but it's hard to get rid of this terrible 'habit'...

"You know, people can tell when you are insecure and uneasy. And there are people who manipulate others when they see they are insecure," my friend said. She went on to say that I slouch a bit, and stutter sometimes when I talk, and even play with my fingers, and bite my nails... all signs of uneasiness and nervousness.

"What makes you this way? Why are you so insecure?"

I said maybe a number of really... by nature I'm just shy and have difficulty opening up to new people... and growing up with an oppressive and abusive brother didn't help my self-esteem... Then out of nowhere:

"Are you straight or gay?"

I was a bit surprised by the question, but almost immediately I answered 'gay'. But I didn't see what that has to do with my insecurity.

"Well, I notice how you walk. You sort of have this hip movement. I didn't know if it was because you are insecure, because insecure people have less control of their bodies. And it could be because you're gay."

I wasn't offended by the question, or the response. I just said, "Well, you see. I'm a minority of a minority of a minority!"

We laughed, and continue talking and connecting. We never had this before, even though she's been coming to work with me for two weeks already, so I really felt glad we connected. She said she was like me before, but she went to classes to train her speech, and also worked on her self-esteem.

Hold the head up, speak slower and clearer, be confident, think and say to yourself that you are confident... Little things, but things that can really project to the outside world and other people what kind of a person you are.

Slow Thursday

I don't know why, but I somehow found myself at Hoek van Holland again this afternoon. Maybe the trip I made with my bike there on Sunday had some kind of profound effect on me, maybe it's watching those big ships go by, or maybe for no particular reason, but as the sky was darkening, and as the lights of the Port of Rotterdam became brighter, I stood on the beach and enjoyed the scenery.

Went into work today, and attended this interesting seminar on the Special Court for Sierra Leone. There were all these people from the Court giving lectures on what it does, and particularly the very unique situation of Mr Charles Taylor, who is being held and tried here in The Hague. To the sceptics (like me...) such Courts are not so much about justice and penalising hard international war criminals, but also about the ability of certain countries (in the West) to decide who to hunt down and who to put on trial. Why, for example, was the former Liberian president arrested, when there is no rule in international law which permits acting heads of state to be arrested? And why is he being tried here, instead of in Sierra Leone, where the Court is mainly based? There were also many questions raised about the whole idea of 'innocence until proven guilty', which under the international criminal system appears to be forgotten, especially because these alleged war criminals have been so demonised that the main objective seems to be putting them permanently behind bars, instead of respecting their rights as an accused, or trying to find out what really happened during the attrocities in the last decade. This is a pattern repeated in all the ad-hoc international criminal tribunals, from Yugoslavia to Rwanda, from Iraq to Cambodia...

By early afternoon, I was feeling really exhausted from all the discussions, and feeling a bit impatient and restless. I'm not sure why I've been feeling like that recently, but I felt so much like just going away! So I left the office, and just jumped on the train randomly!

First train headed in the direction of Dordrecht, a city just above the so-called 'Great Rivers' and often seen as the symbolic border town dividing Catholics and Protestants in the Netherlands. But the train was so slow, that when it arrived in the harbour city of Rotterdam, I jumped off and started to wander around the streets.

I made a short call to my mum, who is about to undergo an important body check tomorrow. I called for no other reason than to wish her well and to tell her to take care, because she told me it's a really long and painful process, which can really be phsycologically and physically tiring... After that, I walked around a bit more, but the busy streets and shops didn't really appeal to me. So I went into the Maritime Museum, where they had big models of ships and a replica of the whole harbour and city of Rotterdam. There was also a special exhibition about the tragic sinking of the S.S. Berlin in 1907, exactly a hundred years ago. It happened at Hoek van Holland, when the ship was blown off course in foggy weather and hit the rocky pier at the mouth of the river Maas.

So perhaps that's the reason I jumped on the train again, and headed in the direction of Hoek van Holland. This, and the fact that when I got to the train station, this was the first train to leave. Coincidence?



I actually fell asleep on the train, but got up at the final stop and also the destination. The station was almost empty, and the town seemed deserted. But I remembered the direction I had cycled a few days ago, and I headed towards the shore. I walked along the water, on rocks and the sandy shore, and now and then big ships would hurry by blowing their horns. It was a calm day today, not too windy, so the water was calm. But when a ship goes by, the currents would rock and violently crash against the shores.

I walked a long way, and onto the long pier. It was so quiet, so still that all I could hear were the call of birds and seagulls and the mechanical sounds of the harbour in the distance. Smoke rose up from the chimneys, and the lights in the distance flickered like candles, while huge wind turbines moved around in a row, looking like tall, gray flowers along the coastline, stretching all the way out to sea.

I felt so much better... less restless, less annoyed at something I'm not sure what, and more at peace. Just standing there, hearing and watching the waves, getting away from it all, helped. A lot.

Tuesday night out

I’m really not a big fan of loud bars… but I started working part-time at an international tribunal recently, and my friend said it would be a great way to meet new people. She said I’ve not been myself since last week, and that I really need to go out and meet new people instead of going home and being all alone in my room…

So, I sort of reluctantly agreed, and tagged along. Tuesday nights is usually the night when all the interns at this tribunal gather at a bar. And indeed, the place was just filled with all sorts of international people. Besides my friend, I knew nobody, and was really a bit intimidated as I walked through the door.

I got introduced to a number of friends of my friend, and I guess I chatted with them. But you know sometimes you chat with someone at a bar, and you know that you’ll probably never see the person after you walk out the door… that’s what I felt. Downed a glass of red wine, and glanced around looking for people I might know (or might be interested in knowing…), but there was none.

Thank goodness my friend was next to me almost the whole time. But problem is, my friend is really pretty and attractive, and when I stand next to her, and especially because of the way we interact, most people would think we are boy- and girlfriends. But we’re anything but that! We’re basically love without the sex!

A number of guys came up to talk to her, and I felt like there was a sort of tension. I felt like I didn’t belong there, or shouldn’t be there. Of course, the guys introduced themselves to me, but it was more because it was courtesy instead of out of real interest in getting to know me. They were too busy eyeing my friend and trying to ‘pick up’ than be interested in me or what I had to say. So I felt like I was an extra on an already crowded stage of tête-à-tête, and that I didn’t belong.

I don’t know if it’s me and my problem of meeting new people. I’m just too shy and self-conscious to go to someone and strike up a conversation. Funny thing is, once I get to know a person, I can be my ‘normal’ self and be really caring and warm. But it’s that first step, of getting to know me, and getting to know them, that is so hard to break through. And at the tribunal, where everyone is some kind of high-flying and super-intelligent lawyer, who would want to speak to a lowly intern who hasn’t even graduated from his studies? At my other work place in the university, I’m more or less alone too, because my colleagues are ‘mother-types’, and even though they’re all so nice and friendly, it’s not exactly as if I’m going to go have fun with them. Frustrating…

Wind

I really don't like it when someone agrees with you to do something together, and suddenly tells you at the last minute they have something else to do.

So again, I got stood up! :( Had agreed with a friend that we'd go cycling today, because the weather was supposed to be much warmer (by 2C). But at around noon, she texted me saying that she's going out with her parents instead... so unreliable! And I was looking forward to it too... I didn't get angry at her, and only texted her back saying it's not a big deal, and even hoped that she has fun...

But then when I think about it, I realise this incident is not the first time, and actually means more than just not living up to a promise. It's things like this that makes me feel like people can treat me like a worthless person... treat me like someone you can just cancel on at the last minute, or like someone you don't need to contact or speak to for a long time until the moment I'm needed...

Surely I'm much more than just being useful! Surely I can give people more than just help when they need it! I mean I'm not a terrible person to be around with, and I'm not someone who plans or tries to take advantage of other people... but then people push me away, and only come to me when they need something. And it hurts.

Well, with or without anyone, I went cycling. The weather wasn't as great as predicted; in fact, it was horrible and probably the worst kind of weather to cycle in. No matter. I promised myself that I'd go cycling, and cycling was what I did. I need it, to clear my head, to make myself feel energetic and useful, and also to get out of the house.

A friend told me the other day that there's a beach down the coast from where I live which is supposed to be nice. It's located around 20km, at a town called Hoek van Holland ('Corner of Holland'). I know it because when I was studying in London that's where I take the ferry across the North Sea to England. I remember watching the land slowly disappear from the window of the ferry whenever I left the country... and watching the land gradually appear as I sailed home. So, it's a memorable place.



Though I've never been there by bike. So I took my bike and cycled through the dunes, along the coast. There were cycle-paths along the way, so it was easy to ride and find your way... except the fact there was really intense winds and drizzle. At one point, an hour or so into my trip, I started to hear my head ache, like something was constantly banging against my temples and forehead, and it felt like I was going to faint or something. So I stopped and rested for while, and called my mum.

It was an empty landscape, the only other life were two black bulls grazing in the field and crows that swarmed black overhead. Besides that, I was surrounded a wall of sand dune and thin undergrowth of shrubs and dry grass. I spoke to mum for half an hour or so, but at times the wind was doing more of the talking than we were. She's doing alright, and when I speak to her, I realise how much I miss her. She's really the only family that I feel close to, which is sad, because I live with my brother under the same roof but we have absolutely no contact at all. She told me about my life, asking whether I felt better after sounding depressed last week. I said yeah (I guess...) , and asked her how she's doing. Well, this Friday she's going to have a complete check-up of her body, and the doctors are going to examine whether the area which had cancerous cells around her intestines are really gone after the chemo therapy.

She once told me how painful the check up is... basically they shove a long, long tube fitted with a camera down your throat (endoscope), to reach the problem area. She's be anaesthetised, but still awake during the whole procedure. What's worse, there's noone to go with her. My dad just couldn't care less. I felt really sad hearing that, and along with the strong wind blowing and blowing in the barren landscape, I felt like I could cry there and then... But thankfully, she said a close friend of hers will go with her, and be with her throughout the whole day. That eased my sadness somewhat.

After talking to her, and drinking some warm tea I took from home, I cycled on. This time, I wrapped myself really warmly and wore the hat that came with my jacket. It did help protect from the cold, but still it was a struggle against the wind. All along the way was a naturally protected area to one side, and rows and rows of greenhouses on the other. At one point I reached a little town called 'Monster', but besides a dead rabbit lying on the side of the road, there were none to be found, so I cycled on.


I peddled hard, and the kilometres went by slowly. But I was determined to get to where I wanted to go, I was determined to see the sea that I had travelled across so many times before, so I fought and fought with the wind and weather. Sometimes, I was blown aside, and the wheels fell off of the cycle-path and sunk into the grass, causing me almost to fall over. But I jumped on the bike again, and peddled even harder. The wind may be against me now, I thought to myself, but when I go home (hopefully), it'll be an ally.


A cat jumped out of nowhere, and hid in the grass, watching me. I stopped and took a picture of it, and stood and watched it watch me. After a few moments, it probably go disinterested and started to silently walk away, which led me to cycle on as well.



And suddenly, around the corner was an open and almost empty beach. There was even a sign, welcoming me to Hoek van Holland, and ironically reminding me that this was the "sunniest beach in the Netherlands". I looked around at the gray overcast skies, and felt the drizzle on my face and jacket, and wondered where the sun was. Immediately I felt it was an unusual beach, and indeed there was another sign that explained why. All along the western coast of the Netherlands, the government is busy trying to pour sand onto the coast to prevent the sea taking away the land. There's even a special department of the Minstry of Transport and Water Management (Rijkswaterstaat) which deals with this. Every few years the Netherlands imports millions of tonnes of sand and piles it onto the western seafront. Hoek van Holland is one of these places, and indeed, the sand was fresh and neatly and evenly spread along the coast. Just before hitting the beach, I even saw this 'sand depot', with dozens of big trucks, and I was wondering why. And I found out why.


I had a rest on the beach, and treated myself to some warm Dutch pea-soup (erwtensoep) and fries to keep myself warm and full. It felt like heaven, sitting in that restaurant, enjoying 'grandma style' traditional food and watching the wind play with the waves outside. After that, I took a walk along the pier, and watched huge tanker go by, and the refinery flames jump in the air and harbour lights of Europoort (Rotterdam) twinkle in the distance.



Of course, I was only half the way, and needed to go home too! So I followed the signs, and started to head back. The way back I took another route, through little villages and towns that were covered with greenhouses. In the dark sky, you could feel like it was day, because of the orange glow of the lights. And the wind was with me, so I was really going fast in the night. I felt like I was an express train, speeding along the road, with my headlights shining into the distance, and red backlight trailing behind. And beneath me, the wheels made noises as they jumped and rolled over the tiles and tarmac of the cycle-path.

It was much quicker to return, and soon I was entering my city and seeing familiar streets. And even sooner I was under the warm shower, and feeling the water wash over my body, wash away the cold, aches and sweat.