Aung san suu kyi is truly an inspirational figure. A brave woman who struggled isolation and house arrest and was forced to chose between her family and her country. She gained international recognition, a Nobel Peace Prize, and countless supporters in Burma and around the world.
Her courage is to be admired. Battling loneliness and separation from her beloved children and husband, she fought quietly for democracy in her country. In the end, after more than 15 years she was allowed to be free, and just last year she was allowed to leave her country. But what did she lose in the meantime? Her beloved husband and great love of her life... Is this personal sacrifice worth it? Would anyone be able to give up happiness in exchange for a greater food and more noble cause as the democratic future of a nation?
I cried at various moments, in awe by Aung Sun's courage and drive. I cried also at the demonstration of yet again the incomparable slyness of cancer to steal our loved ones and rob us of our passions and dreams...
It is such energy as Aung Sun's that make me feel like I'm underperforming and cannot hope to even achieve such greatness as she did. When others live life struggling for a country, what am I doing? Struggling to live my own life, struggling to deal with such seemingly trivial matters of feeling abandoned and very lonely!
What are my troubles on comparison to the troubles of the world and its people's...?
02 February 2013
Dream: on the bus
Earlier I saw a picture of brother and his family in Taiwan. They were together with all my relatives from mum's side, having the annual get together in this lunar new year period. I cried seeing the picture... They all look so happy together, and I'm not there to share the joy of being together as a family... Four generations, grandma, my mum's siblings, their children, and my nephew. All twenty or so of them together in a big picture...
I napped, as I slept only three hours or so last night (terrible sleeping patterns...)
I felt my body shake and move. I was on the bus in downtown Taipei. I saw the familiar surroundings, I recognised the route. It was the route I took everyday (almost) to and from the hospital... I felt the memories come back again... Mum lying in hospital, and me bringing her whatever nourishment I could think of buying or cooking up...
I shook awake. It was all a dream...
My relatives and my family are so far away... They are all a dream...
I napped, as I slept only three hours or so last night (terrible sleeping patterns...)
I felt my body shake and move. I was on the bus in downtown Taipei. I saw the familiar surroundings, I recognised the route. It was the route I took everyday (almost) to and from the hospital... I felt the memories come back again... Mum lying in hospital, and me bringing her whatever nourishment I could think of buying or cooking up...
I shook awake. It was all a dream...
My relatives and my family are so far away... They are all a dream...
01 February 2013
Relational
The self is relational. Who you are or who you perceive yourself to be is in relation to others... Friend, partner, loved one, family... How you interact with them is who you are at that moment.
Why do you speak so softly to some but so angrily with another? Anger and softness it's all within you. What have thee person done or not done to deserve anger or rage? And "done is done", is it not, is it not in the past? So why not be kind to yourself and to the person around you and be kind to all, regardless of what happened before?
The meditation teacher spoke of his battle against leukemia, how the doctor told him he had ten days to leave. Imagine the fear, the desperation and anxiety... Imagine family and friends coming to see you one by one and having to bid farewell to them... And most difficult of all, having to tell his eleven year old that despite the dying body, a father's love for the boy will not die. Ever. That is the stuff of life. That is real struggle with loss and coping with fear and anxiety...
When you hear and look at the lives and struggles of others, do you not feel more fortunate? Do you not feel like you cry about nothing and allow yourself to wallow too deeply in remorse and a world of pain and suffering of your own creation?
Not to trivialise at all my own hurt, my own pain and suffering now, which somehow has unleashed the locked away demons of the past/my childhood. Funny how hurt and pain can reach so deep and so pervasively inside of you that everything comes out... They have thrown me into the throes of doubt, self-criticism, anxiety, depression and negativity. They have undermined and overshadowed all the goodness I have within me, all the kindness I have shown to others, and left me feeling useless and worthless.
It is an ugly mindset I must free myself...
For how else will I feel loved? How else will another love me? How else will I love again...?
Why do you speak so softly to some but so angrily with another? Anger and softness it's all within you. What have thee person done or not done to deserve anger or rage? And "done is done", is it not, is it not in the past? So why not be kind to yourself and to the person around you and be kind to all, regardless of what happened before?
The meditation teacher spoke of his battle against leukemia, how the doctor told him he had ten days to leave. Imagine the fear, the desperation and anxiety... Imagine family and friends coming to see you one by one and having to bid farewell to them... And most difficult of all, having to tell his eleven year old that despite the dying body, a father's love for the boy will not die. Ever. That is the stuff of life. That is real struggle with loss and coping with fear and anxiety...
When you hear and look at the lives and struggles of others, do you not feel more fortunate? Do you not feel like you cry about nothing and allow yourself to wallow too deeply in remorse and a world of pain and suffering of your own creation?
Not to trivialise at all my own hurt, my own pain and suffering now, which somehow has unleashed the locked away demons of the past/my childhood. Funny how hurt and pain can reach so deep and so pervasively inside of you that everything comes out... They have thrown me into the throes of doubt, self-criticism, anxiety, depression and negativity. They have undermined and overshadowed all the goodness I have within me, all the kindness I have shown to others, and left me feeling useless and worthless.
It is an ugly mindset I must free myself...
For how else will I feel loved? How else will another love me? How else will I love again...?
The Sun and the moon
Have you ever looked out the world and been amazed? Amazed by what is out there, amazed by what amazes you and doesn't cease to inspire you or make you think: "it's so beautiful to be alive..."
Out there, on the horizon, across a vast field of ice and snow, was the setting sun. Golden rays of light radiating from the centre, turning trees in the distance into dark silhouettes and little insignificant figurines against a backdrop of grandeur and silent tranquility.
And there, right next to the sun was an almost full moon, looking like a another sun, another bright round sphere on the horizon. It was not the glare or a reflection of the sun, I made sure of that by squinting my eyes and blocking out the real sun. It really was the moon, even though the camera is not sensitive enough to capture it fully.
It was the sun and moon together, one rising, another falling. One disappearing, another about to appear. What wonder there is in the world, what beauty, how much there is to adore and to cherish...
Life is beautiful. Life can be beautiful, if only one will open one's eyes and see it all...
Out there, on the horizon, across a vast field of ice and snow, was the setting sun. Golden rays of light radiating from the centre, turning trees in the distance into dark silhouettes and little insignificant figurines against a backdrop of grandeur and silent tranquility.
And there, right next to the sun was an almost full moon, looking like a another sun, another bright round sphere on the horizon. It was not the glare or a reflection of the sun, I made sure of that by squinting my eyes and blocking out the real sun. It really was the moon, even though the camera is not sensitive enough to capture it fully.
It was the sun and moon together, one rising, another falling. One disappearing, another about to appear. What wonder there is in the world, what beauty, how much there is to adore and to cherish...
Life is beautiful. Life can be beautiful, if only one will open one's eyes and see it all...
31 January 2013
Unstoppable tears
280113.2014
It's been almost an hour now since I started to tear for no reason. From the moments before the plane was about to land, to landing, disembarking, to getting the bus, to now on the metro home... I don't know why I cannot stop tearing. And I I weren't surrounded by people I'd just burst into tears, howl and howl and burst into tears...
Where does the pain come from? Where does the sadness that draw these tears originate from? Is it in the snow, in the way snow falls so beautifully and elegantly, so touchingly and so full of fragility? Seems like the source of the tears is endless... I cannot stop from crying...
It's been almost an hour now since I started to tear for no reason. From the moments before the plane was about to land, to landing, disembarking, to getting the bus, to now on the metro home... I don't know why I cannot stop tearing. And I I weren't surrounded by people I'd just burst into tears, howl and howl and burst into tears...
Where does the pain come from? Where does the sadness that draw these tears originate from? Is it in the snow, in the way snow falls so beautifully and elegantly, so touchingly and so full of fragility? Seems like the source of the tears is endless... I cannot stop from crying...
30 January 2013
Breakdown
Why did I just spend ten minutes texting to my ex? Why? Why did I feel the urge to contact him and let him know how I feel, how he's made me feel? Was it to "punish" him, to make him guilty, to make him feel bad?
No! I can't be that evil, can I? I just want him to know how I've been, how totally down in the dumps I've fallen. Because doesn't he always say he wants to know how I'm doing? Doesn't he always say he cares so much?
I've struggled to refrain from contacting him, I've struggled and even considered lying to him. But why lie? Why should he not know? He wants to know the truth? Well, this is the truth... He must hate me so now... He must despise so much for always ruining his moods and destroying his attempts at happiness and being with someone else... He must regret so much meeting me and ever caring about me, and maybe even wonder why or how he could love someone like me...
I'm crying, i'm breaking apart and breaking down like never before. Seeing mum vomit and vomit did not cause me to react this way... Seeing mum hallucinate or scream at me telling me she wants her life to end did not make me so disturbed in the head... Seeing mum so frail and not even have the strength to speak did not make me tear at my own hair... Seeing my best friend repeatedly make promises and then run off with some other guy did not test my patient or ability to forebear the pain and sense of betrayal... But together, everything together, is far too much, far too overwhelming, too much of an assault on my senses and my sanity...
You know there's a problem when out of nowhere you can just feel like crying out in public... You know there's a problem when you could be at the office and browsing for hours through Craigslist ads looking for some sort of human connection (however meaningless it can be, just a human connection)... You know there's a problem when you're sitting at a restaurant and shaking uncontrollably and people are looking at you funny...
Oh my god, what crazy monster have I become...?
After the cold
It's surprisingly warm today. 4C, instead of -40C like last week. The weather changed, the temperature changed. Snow is melting, the ground is wet and slippery. Perhaps snow will fall again, and no doubt the mercury will drop to far below freezing. But for now, the temperature, the climate is as such.
When I told the monk in the mountains about the the big swing in the temperature, he reminded me that I've just given him a dhamma lesson. Doesn't everything change? Isn't depression and withdrawal but a part of a process before we warm up to the world and before we start to thaw our hearts and open up again? Everything is a process, everything is part of the practice.
I called him because I felt again so desperately alone last night, despite having gone to the movies. I really didn't know who to talk to, and the prospect of crying myself to sleep again was too tiring, too frightening.
I told him troubles and depression I've been experiencing, explained how I feel I cannot talk to any of my friends. Because what do they understand? Last I talked to someone, he seemed irritated and impatient to listen to me. Yes, we all have issues, we all have problems... And we all perhaps tend to aggrandise our own lives in relation to other people's. But can tensions and people politics at work compare to being on the brink of despair after losing the people dearest to my life? Why would anyone think about what it means to lose your parents when they are still around and can be reached at any time? Am I being overdramatic? Am I blowing things out of proportions?
I guess this is part of the loneliness: not being able to find someone who can fully relate. People can say things like "It'll be alright...", "You will be strong again..." but people will only ever really know and understand when they reach that point of desperation, when they lose everything they hold dear to your hearts. Then they will realise why it hurts more and adds salt to wound to be told "Just get on with things! Why are you dwelling in the past?"
To my surprise, when I described the sense of loneliness I felt inside, the monk told me to go out, go meet new people. Go meet like-minded people who you can connect with and with whom you can enjoy intimate moments and be comfortable with. Funny, because I had suspected he would tell me to watch my feelings, to meditate on the impermenance of feelings like loneliness and emotions (and I've been terrible in my practice...). Instead, he advised me that meditation is just a means to see the world and experience life with greater calm and clarity. When you feel lonely, what do you still need to in the conventional world? You still need to try to meet people, you still need to let people into your life and you still need to love (and if you do not know how to love yet, learn to love!) It is in loving others that you love yourself.
"It's like what you just said about living in the -40C climate. You still need to go out, you still need to go and shop, you still need to live..." Yes, even down and depressed, you still need to somehow go on with life and find a way out.
"For as long as I've know you, I feel you have very little confidence..." He reminded me that everything people ever said about me is full of praise, full of the positive. He reminded me that there is so much going for me, but I somehow do not (or refuse to?) see any of it. Instead, I push myself too hard, am too hard on myself, and yet am so kind and compassionate toward others. Look at all I've done for my mother, my father, for people in my life, for friends who are in need. Tell me that is not the actions of a kind and compassionate soul who gives his everything to help someone smile and make someone happy. So why is it that I am so heavy and critical of myself? Why am I thinking so ill of myself?
We laughed, joked, I teared, he cheered me up, reminded me of all the positive things in my life despite all the dear ones I have lost. It's not easy, not easy for anyone to deal with loss and death. But we need to learn from the experience, we need to see that we are still healthy, still functioning even though our minds and feelings tell us otherwise. Look at the people in wheelchairs, look at how they still go about their everyday business without much complaint. Have I forgotten those people in the hospitals who struggle to cling onto life? Have I forgotten what it feels like to tend to a loved one who is ill and dying? Remind myself of that... remind myself of what I have gone through, and everything else pales in comparison, do they not...?
When I told the monk in the mountains about the the big swing in the temperature, he reminded me that I've just given him a dhamma lesson. Doesn't everything change? Isn't depression and withdrawal but a part of a process before we warm up to the world and before we start to thaw our hearts and open up again? Everything is a process, everything is part of the practice.
I called him because I felt again so desperately alone last night, despite having gone to the movies. I really didn't know who to talk to, and the prospect of crying myself to sleep again was too tiring, too frightening.
I told him troubles and depression I've been experiencing, explained how I feel I cannot talk to any of my friends. Because what do they understand? Last I talked to someone, he seemed irritated and impatient to listen to me. Yes, we all have issues, we all have problems... And we all perhaps tend to aggrandise our own lives in relation to other people's. But can tensions and people politics at work compare to being on the brink of despair after losing the people dearest to my life? Why would anyone think about what it means to lose your parents when they are still around and can be reached at any time? Am I being overdramatic? Am I blowing things out of proportions?
I guess this is part of the loneliness: not being able to find someone who can fully relate. People can say things like "It'll be alright...", "You will be strong again..." but people will only ever really know and understand when they reach that point of desperation, when they lose everything they hold dear to your hearts. Then they will realise why it hurts more and adds salt to wound to be told "Just get on with things! Why are you dwelling in the past?"
To my surprise, when I described the sense of loneliness I felt inside, the monk told me to go out, go meet new people. Go meet like-minded people who you can connect with and with whom you can enjoy intimate moments and be comfortable with. Funny, because I had suspected he would tell me to watch my feelings, to meditate on the impermenance of feelings like loneliness and emotions (and I've been terrible in my practice...). Instead, he advised me that meditation is just a means to see the world and experience life with greater calm and clarity. When you feel lonely, what do you still need to in the conventional world? You still need to try to meet people, you still need to let people into your life and you still need to love (and if you do not know how to love yet, learn to love!) It is in loving others that you love yourself.
"It's like what you just said about living in the -40C climate. You still need to go out, you still need to go and shop, you still need to live..." Yes, even down and depressed, you still need to somehow go on with life and find a way out.
"For as long as I've know you, I feel you have very little confidence..." He reminded me that everything people ever said about me is full of praise, full of the positive. He reminded me that there is so much going for me, but I somehow do not (or refuse to?) see any of it. Instead, I push myself too hard, am too hard on myself, and yet am so kind and compassionate toward others. Look at all I've done for my mother, my father, for people in my life, for friends who are in need. Tell me that is not the actions of a kind and compassionate soul who gives his everything to help someone smile and make someone happy. So why is it that I am so heavy and critical of myself? Why am I thinking so ill of myself?
We laughed, joked, I teared, he cheered me up, reminded me of all the positive things in my life despite all the dear ones I have lost. It's not easy, not easy for anyone to deal with loss and death. But we need to learn from the experience, we need to see that we are still healthy, still functioning even though our minds and feelings tell us otherwise. Look at the people in wheelchairs, look at how they still go about their everyday business without much complaint. Have I forgotten those people in the hospitals who struggle to cling onto life? Have I forgotten what it feels like to tend to a loved one who is ill and dying? Remind myself of that... remind myself of what I have gone through, and everything else pales in comparison, do they not...?
Karma...
He was such a lovely dog... beautiful dark blond fur, big brown eyes, and he would lick me all over the place whenever I approached. We spent hours together, sometimes him just lying by my feet and me patting him gently on his back or rubbing his belly.
He passed away recently.
I did not ask when, did not dare ask. He was a special dog, Karma ("cause and effect"). He was, we suspect, badly abused and neglected and one day someone just dumped him in front of the gate to the monastery in the mountains. The monk took him him, cared for him, and realised perhaps he suffered from a mental problem. He would walk in a funny way, walk as if he could not hold his head up, like he was lacking in confidence and down. But when he got close, he would look up and lick you, jump on you, give you affection as if you were the only thing that mattered in the world.
He passed away due to a heart worm infection. For several weeks he had been agitated and whining, but there was little that could be done. The monk said he was by his side when Karma passed away. He was very quiet, it was as if he knew it was coming, death, and he was prepared. He just lay there and peacefully left this world. I was stunned to hear the news. He was my favourite out of three (originally four...) dogs. Now there is only one left...
Rest in peace, Karma... thank you for giving me warmth and feelings of love. Thank you...
28 January 2013
Sudden tears
280113.1925
The moon is out, almost perfectly round. Yellow, small, hanging high surrounded by all that darkness.
Flying on the way home, suddenly feeling this déjà vu and emptiness deep down inside. Flying... Flying home. Why does the mind connect two completely unrelated moments in life and join them web sadness and that sadness one feels on the verge of crying?
I turned on the seat back tv. It was supposed to be a comedy I watched, but the topic was about loss. A man who lost his wife months ago and still unable and unwilling to fully deal with it all. None of his friends can understand him. They say things like hang on there, it'll be alright, but who is the one who has to deal with the sadness at night? Who is the one who must sleep in an empty bed at night? Who must feel the pain of loss and pain of longing?
Heading home. Just completed an exam, but I feel so empty, feel so meaningless inside. I miss the ones I have lost... I miss them so deeply... I so wish I could have someone to talk to and connect with... I wish I do not have to feel like I'm about to burst out crying every few moments.
The plane rolled. Snow, more snow falling so softly, so gently, so romantically. I could no longer control it. It's like in that movie. Out of nowhere, the tears...
"Please stow your emotions. We are about to land..."
Why am I suddenly crying...? Just crying for no reason in public, on board a plane about to land in the falling snow...
The moon is out, almost perfectly round. Yellow, small, hanging high surrounded by all that darkness.
Flying on the way home, suddenly feeling this déjà vu and emptiness deep down inside. Flying... Flying home. Why does the mind connect two completely unrelated moments in life and join them web sadness and that sadness one feels on the verge of crying?
I turned on the seat back tv. It was supposed to be a comedy I watched, but the topic was about loss. A man who lost his wife months ago and still unable and unwilling to fully deal with it all. None of his friends can understand him. They say things like hang on there, it'll be alright, but who is the one who has to deal with the sadness at night? Who is the one who must sleep in an empty bed at night? Who must feel the pain of loss and pain of longing?
Heading home. Just completed an exam, but I feel so empty, feel so meaningless inside. I miss the ones I have lost... I miss them so deeply... I so wish I could have someone to talk to and connect with... I wish I do not have to feel like I'm about to burst out crying every few moments.
The plane rolled. Snow, more snow falling so softly, so gently, so romantically. I could no longer control it. It's like in that movie. Out of nowhere, the tears...
"Please stow your emotions. We are about to land..."
Why am I suddenly crying...? Just crying for no reason in public, on board a plane about to land in the falling snow...
Exam
280113.1814
Came out of the exam and was exhausted. Was it easy? No. Was it difficult? I don't think so. But a lot of the time I just wrote whatever came to mind, without much reference to cases or guidelines. Is it what they are looking for? We will see in three months' time.
The mood is definitely much different from Vancouver. The "proctors", those in charge of rows of students are so rigid, so by-the-book. No getting up without being followed to the bathroom, no exiting without an "exit pass". All wallets, mobiles must be left in a separate area, water must be on the floor. I could not even bring in a plastic folder which I use to carry all my documents and papers.
At least that's done. I can relax now, I guess. But I'm so tired...
Came out of the exam and was exhausted. Was it easy? No. Was it difficult? I don't think so. But a lot of the time I just wrote whatever came to mind, without much reference to cases or guidelines. Is it what they are looking for? We will see in three months' time.
The mood is definitely much different from Vancouver. The "proctors", those in charge of rows of students are so rigid, so by-the-book. No getting up without being followed to the bathroom, no exiting without an "exit pass". All wallets, mobiles must be left in a separate area, water must be on the floor. I could not even bring in a plastic folder which I use to carry all my documents and papers.
At least that's done. I can relax now, I guess. But I'm so tired...
At YUL
At the airport, ready to board another flight. Same day return, to Toronto and back later tonight. Second time in three days.
I'm exhausted. Went to bed at four, but could not really sleep till five, and had to get up an hour or so later. My head is a daze, and I'm feeling slow and heavy.
Strange... I have an exam, yet now and then I experience flashes of doubt and anger. Even as I was studying, images and thoughts appeared before me... How can my best friend, someone who keeps on telling me how much he loves me, "abandon" me at a period when I need someone to confide in most? How could this all happen to me in the past two years when I've had to struggle the most against the odds of life and mum's illness and death? Is it all worth it when you end up with nothing? Is it worth it when you jeopardise years of friendship for... What? I don't think anyone realises how much damage, how traumatic it has been for me. I don't think anyone can see how damaged and paining I am right now. Why am I letting myself be so bothered and so angered by it all? It's all in my mind... All in my mind...
Am I going to write an exam in this state of mind? Am I going to scrape enough points to pass? All I need and want is a pass... Eight more hours and all this will be over. For this time around.
I'm exhausted. Went to bed at four, but could not really sleep till five, and had to get up an hour or so later. My head is a daze, and I'm feeling slow and heavy.
Strange... I have an exam, yet now and then I experience flashes of doubt and anger. Even as I was studying, images and thoughts appeared before me... How can my best friend, someone who keeps on telling me how much he loves me, "abandon" me at a period when I need someone to confide in most? How could this all happen to me in the past two years when I've had to struggle the most against the odds of life and mum's illness and death? Is it all worth it when you end up with nothing? Is it worth it when you jeopardise years of friendship for... What? I don't think anyone realises how much damage, how traumatic it has been for me. I don't think anyone can see how damaged and paining I am right now. Why am I letting myself be so bothered and so angered by it all? It's all in my mind... All in my mind...
Am I going to write an exam in this state of mind? Am I going to scrape enough points to pass? All I need and want is a pass... Eight more hours and all this will be over. For this time around.
Eve of exam...
I feel so miserable, really miserable and like I could cry. Less than twelve hours before the exam, and there is still so much I feel I have not covered yet. I feel so distracted, so unfocused, and thoughts and images of one particular person, random events of the past keep on coming to disturb and distract me...
I hate to sound so negative, hate to ramble on and complain about my mental state of mind. But seriously, I really have never felt this way before, never in my whole life. Feeling like I'm such a failure and like I already failed before even taking the exam. The depression is serious, and with it the stress and anxiety and lack of confidence is overwhelming and disabling. I feel like breaking down, terribly breaking down.
The phone's been put away much of today so I am not disturbed. I've tried everything to calm my agitated state of mind, yet still my head is spinning and so disturbed! What's wrong with me? What's so fundamentally gnawing at my mind, at my calm and at my sanity that I feel like I am about to burst out in tears?
Is this all a test? Test to see how much more I can take after losing all the people who are dear to me, after having to part with all that matters in my life? Is it all a test to see how much more I can cry, how much more I can stand it before I begin to tear at my hair or cut myself from desperation and feeling like I'm pushed to the limit? More and more, scary thoughts flash across my mind. In the end, what does it matter? Who would cry for me or miss me?
I need some kind of support, some kind of kindness and offer of encouragement. A hug, a kind word, a human touch of reassurance. In the past, I could call mum and though she couldn't do or say much, she could at least with her motherly voice and her encouragements make me feel like I'm doing something, feel like I am capable of something.
But I'm all on my own now. And that's scary. Extremely scary and demotivating, and perhaps a root cause of why I feel like I cannot study, cannot focus...
I hate to sound so negative, hate to ramble on and complain about my mental state of mind. But seriously, I really have never felt this way before, never in my whole life. Feeling like I'm such a failure and like I already failed before even taking the exam. The depression is serious, and with it the stress and anxiety and lack of confidence is overwhelming and disabling. I feel like breaking down, terribly breaking down.
The phone's been put away much of today so I am not disturbed. I've tried everything to calm my agitated state of mind, yet still my head is spinning and so disturbed! What's wrong with me? What's so fundamentally gnawing at my mind, at my calm and at my sanity that I feel like I am about to burst out in tears?
Is this all a test? Test to see how much more I can take after losing all the people who are dear to me, after having to part with all that matters in my life? Is it all a test to see how much more I can cry, how much more I can stand it before I begin to tear at my hair or cut myself from desperation and feeling like I'm pushed to the limit? More and more, scary thoughts flash across my mind. In the end, what does it matter? Who would cry for me or miss me?
I need some kind of support, some kind of kindness and offer of encouragement. A hug, a kind word, a human touch of reassurance. In the past, I could call mum and though she couldn't do or say much, she could at least with her motherly voice and her encouragements make me feel like I'm doing something, feel like I am capable of something.
But I'm all on my own now. And that's scary. Extremely scary and demotivating, and perhaps a root cause of why I feel like I cannot study, cannot focus...
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