Breakdown

Why did I just spend ten minutes texting to my ex? Why? Why did I feel the urge to contact him and let him know how I feel, how he's made me feel? Was it to "punish" him, to make him guilty, to make him feel bad?

No! I can't be that evil, can I? I just want him to know how I've been, how totally down in the dumps I've fallen. Because doesn't he always say he wants to know how I'm doing? Doesn't he always say he cares so much?

I've struggled to refrain from contacting him, I've struggled and even considered lying to him. But why lie? Why should he not know? He wants to know the truth? Well, this is the truth... He must hate me so now... He must despise so much for always ruining his moods and destroying his attempts at happiness and being with someone else... He must regret so much meeting me and ever caring about me, and maybe even wonder why or how he could love someone like me...

I'm crying, i'm breaking apart and breaking down like never before. Seeing mum vomit and vomit did not cause me to react this way... Seeing mum hallucinate or scream at me telling me she wants her life to end did not make me so disturbed in the head... Seeing mum so frail and not even have the strength to speak did not make me tear at my own hair... Seeing my best friend repeatedly make promises and then run off with some other guy did not test my patient or ability to forebear the pain and sense of betrayal... But together, everything together, is far too much, far too overwhelming, too much of an assault on my senses and my sanity...

You know there's a problem when out of nowhere you can just feel like crying out in public... You know there's a problem when you could be at the office and browsing for hours through Craigslist ads looking for some sort of human connection (however meaningless it can be, just a human connection)... You know there's a problem when you're sitting at a restaurant and shaking uncontrollably and people are looking at you funny...

Oh my god, what crazy monster have I become...?