I feel so miserable, really miserable and like I could cry. Less than twelve hours before the exam, and there is still so much I feel I have not covered yet. I feel so distracted, so unfocused, and thoughts and images of one particular person, random events of the past keep on coming to disturb and distract me...
I hate to sound so negative, hate to ramble on and complain about my mental state of mind. But seriously, I really have never felt this way before, never in my whole life. Feeling like I'm such a failure and like I already failed before even taking the exam. The depression is serious, and with it the stress and anxiety and lack of confidence is overwhelming and disabling. I feel like breaking down, terribly breaking down.
The phone's been put away much of today so I am not disturbed. I've tried everything to calm my agitated state of mind, yet still my head is spinning and so disturbed! What's wrong with me? What's so fundamentally gnawing at my mind, at my calm and at my sanity that I feel like I am about to burst out in tears?
Is this all a test? Test to see how much more I can take after losing all the people who are dear to me, after having to part with all that matters in my life? Is it all a test to see how much more I can cry, how much more I can stand it before I begin to tear at my hair or cut myself from desperation and feeling like I'm pushed to the limit? More and more, scary thoughts flash across my mind. In the end, what does it matter? Who would cry for me or miss me?
I need some kind of support, some kind of kindness and offer of encouragement. A hug, a kind word, a human touch of reassurance. In the past, I could call mum and though she couldn't do or say much, she could at least with her motherly voice and her encouragements make me feel like I'm doing something, feel like I am capable of something.
But I'm all on my own now. And that's scary. Extremely scary and demotivating, and perhaps a root cause of why I feel like I cannot study, cannot focus...
I hate to sound so negative, hate to ramble on and complain about my mental state of mind. But seriously, I really have never felt this way before, never in my whole life. Feeling like I'm such a failure and like I already failed before even taking the exam. The depression is serious, and with it the stress and anxiety and lack of confidence is overwhelming and disabling. I feel like breaking down, terribly breaking down.
The phone's been put away much of today so I am not disturbed. I've tried everything to calm my agitated state of mind, yet still my head is spinning and so disturbed! What's wrong with me? What's so fundamentally gnawing at my mind, at my calm and at my sanity that I feel like I am about to burst out in tears?
Is this all a test? Test to see how much more I can take after losing all the people who are dear to me, after having to part with all that matters in my life? Is it all a test to see how much more I can cry, how much more I can stand it before I begin to tear at my hair or cut myself from desperation and feeling like I'm pushed to the limit? More and more, scary thoughts flash across my mind. In the end, what does it matter? Who would cry for me or miss me?
I need some kind of support, some kind of kindness and offer of encouragement. A hug, a kind word, a human touch of reassurance. In the past, I could call mum and though she couldn't do or say much, she could at least with her motherly voice and her encouragements make me feel like I'm doing something, feel like I am capable of something.
But I'm all on my own now. And that's scary. Extremely scary and demotivating, and perhaps a root cause of why I feel like I cannot study, cannot focus...
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