At YUL

At the airport, ready to board another flight. Same day return, to Toronto and back later tonight. Second time in three days.

I'm exhausted. Went to bed at four, but could not really sleep till five, and had to get up an hour or so later. My head is a daze, and I'm feeling slow and heavy.

Strange... I have an exam, yet now and then I experience flashes of doubt and anger. Even as I was studying, images and thoughts appeared before me... How can my best friend, someone who keeps on telling me how much he loves me, "abandon" me at a period when I need someone to confide in most? How could this all happen to me in the past two years when I've had to struggle the most against the odds of life and mum's illness and death? Is it all worth it when you end up with nothing? Is it worth it when you jeopardise years of friendship for... What? I don't think anyone realises how much damage, how traumatic it has been for me. I don't think anyone can see how damaged and paining I am right now. Why am I letting myself be so bothered and so angered by it all? It's all in my mind... All in my mind...

Am I going to write an exam in this state of mind? Am I going to scrape enough points to pass? All I need and want is a pass... Eight more hours and all this will be over. For this time around.