Friday night in

I had been looking forward to going out with this friend. Nothing special, just grabbing something to eat and seeing what happens. He's interesting, and decently goodlooking, though has been sort of a mystery still since I've known him, and one of these people you meet only occassionally in the corridors. It's been a lot of back and forth emailing, and either he's busy or I'm away. Finally we managed to meet for dinner.

It started off alright, talking and keeping one another updated with what we've both been up to these days. Settled at an Indian restaurant, which turned out to be a bit pricey for both of us, but at least the conversation was pleasant.... or at least until we touched upon politics.

Probably that really killed the mood of anything else happening... our views are just too different. He's hardline conservative, I'm a left leaning liberal who believes in the power of the welfare state and its ability to provide an equal footing, or at least social security for everyone. I believe in universal health care, he advocates rolling back government and letting people be. People must make choices, he said, and unfortunately the poor sometimes make bad choices with what they have... chemo or cable (tv) it boiled down to in the capitalist world. I thought it was a crude way of seeing things... as often there is no such choice, especially for the poorest of the poorest, who can't even afford proper food or housing, let alone have the luxury of choosing between chemo or cable.

Dinner ended, and I said some friends were getting together to watch movies and invited him to join us. He declined, saying he had plans. Made plans with friends online to play games. OK, I said, and left.

To be honest, I was disappointed. Yes, perhaps I thought there was potential of getting to know this person better, or maybe even having him over to spend the night. But I guess online games are important.

So I went home, chatted with two friends who dropped by, and we slipped a DVD into the player. And I enjoyed a Friday night in with fellow singletons, happy that I have friends to fall back on, and friends who do not disappoint.

In the metro station

From the depth of the dark tunnel I could hear the rumbling of a coming train. Like a distant thunderstorm, the tension, the climax, the wind gathering and surely approaching.

Then suddenly, amidst the random chatter of strangers and timid whispers of passerbys, between the sound of hurried footsteps and heavy shuffling of shoes, the soft kiss of music gently caressed my ears. Romantic, soothing, almost dreamlike in the surrounding noise and chaos, Chopin's Nocturne echoed in the underground concourse. Each note powerful and penetrating, reaching deep inside to touch and calm the heart. Only briefly, only enough to take me away from the city, away from the concrete walls and rails of steel, away from the confusion and hustle of modern life, but it was enough. Enough to conjure up memories and thoughts of beauty and serenity, of the kind that the city lacks, but which everyone undoubtedly longs for.

The train hissed past and ground to a halt. As I boarded, as the doors closed, as the music drowned away, as the floor beneath me vibrated, the music was gone. But in my head was left a pleasant, lingering echo.

Paranoia

Paranoia... or is it common sense? Should people be afraid of others, be distrustful and suspicious of the intentions of others? Should you always be wary of other people's real motivations for doing something, for saying something?

Maybe I'm just too naive... to 'nice' and too trustful of people and their good-nature. Maybe I'm blind and ignorant of the reality of people's dark hearts and dark thoughts. So what if people cheat me? So what if people get the better end of the bargain? It's their karma... it's what they'll have to pay back sooner or later. If it's inherently wrong what they are doing, then they will regret it, they will wish they had never been so greedy or covetous.

Or is that I'm simply too weak to fight and stand up for my rights, however I have been wronged?

Dream

He wrote to me in the dream, wrote about what he's been up to, about his life, about his background. And there was a picture too, of a big house in a well-to-do neighbourhood, with mowed, green lawns, children playing and dogs barking.

I was happy that he wrote to me, and that perhaps we would meet again.

Medium

Speaking to mum this morning, she mentioned that she has heard from dad. She said that dad had apparently received the letter that I wrote to him...

I know I should be happy about it, happy to hear from beyond the grave. But I feel somewhat irritated. Ever since dad passed, this 'medium'/'psychic'/'fortune teller'/'Daoist master' has been coming into our lives and appearing at regular intervals to deal with our family affairs. From the funeral to moving house, from my brother's future marriage to communicating wtih dad, this 'medium' has been present. I even had an argument with mum about this, because I felt that especially in the aftermath of dad's passing, he was getting more and more intrusive, verging on the point of telling us how we should best mourn and commemorate my own dad.

So again, when I hear that dad has gone to communicate with this 'medium', I am skeptical and somewhat annoyed. I guess if hearing such things (superstition? Makebelieve?) comforts mum, then by all means... but hearing that my letter has been received somehow makes me uncomfortable, especially as the letter was such a personal connection to my dad. Maybe I should be happy that dad has received the letter... but I feel annoyed that I must hear this from ma third person who did not even know dad before his death...

Easter

After a long Easter brunchner (breakfast-lunch-dinner) with two friends, I took my bike and went for a cycle. I love the feeling of cycling down the St Laurent (not so much the bugs that get into my face and hair), the feeling of freedom and the wind rushing past my ears. I love the broad, almost endless width of the river, the horizonless skyline of trees, the green grass and dawning skies. I feel free, I feel happy to be back here in Canada.

A friend had in fact written to me and said that I have made my home, my nest here in Canada.
And it is true. Of all the places I can go, of all the places I have lived and wandered, of all the 'homes' I have been in the past month, this is where I feel most comfortable, most "at home".

Not that Taiwan or where my mum is feels less homely, not that Holland, where I spent my childhood and teenage years feels distant... just that this place feels like a place I could always go back to no matter after how long and feel relaxed. I have my fridge, my stove, my bed and all the decorations and belongings that I put around to personalise the place (of course all material things I could do with or without). I have good friends and a sweet little cat. And I feel most myself here in Canada. Perhaps that's why it makes the place more "home" than anywhere else...