Happy new year

.Happy new year...

You wouldn't think it's a new year unless you look at the date and the clock, unless you open the window and hear the sound of fireworks crackling and people rejoicing. For most, the first day of the new year has already come, for some they are still in the old year and expectantly awaiting the dawn of a  new time.

May it be a peaceful, and truly happy one for one and all around the world. .

Birth of a new year

Just spoke to my brother and sister-in-law, it's been a longest time, and it was really pleasant.

As we were talking, my brother sent me a picture captioned "new family member".
I opened the file, and it was a sonogram, with clearly a figure of a baby.
12 weeks already.

I was surprised, but also a little cautious. The first few months are always precarious, and my sister-in-law described how this time around it's been more painful, and she experienced an episode of bleeding (but this was after she was lifting things and handling my nephew). I told her she must be very careful and told my brother, who stood behind her, to be more caring and help  out more (he jokingly patted her on the head!)

I'm really happy for her, for them. They've been wanting to have a second child for some time now, and now their wish is coming true. My parents would be overjoyed. I  pray that they will protect the mother and child and that the next few months will be safe and well. Being pregnant, giving birth and the first few months and years are all very fragile. I really hope things will turn out well, and that at the end of July in the coming year, my brother's family, my family, can welcome a healthy newborn.

Nobody, except me and perhaps some colleagues of my brother, know the news. Not even my sister-in-law's parents. I'm privileged to be one of the first to know this. May they be well and happy.

Grief does not...

"Grief does not change you... It reveals you".

(John Green, The fault in our stars) 

Last days of 2014

It's amazing how much I can sleep, and how much sleeping I've done in the past week or so. It's as if I could just sleep and not do anything except sleep. I don't even feel hungry at times. It doesn't help that I caught a cold a few days back, which left me and my body aching and just feeling extremely weakened. But am I, fundammentally, really so tired, or is it because of the accumulated lack of sleep over the past few months? Or is it just another bout creeping depression, refusal to get up and face the world, refusal to wake up and feel that anxiety of being alone most of the time? Even in my sleep, I dream of family, dream of seeing mum and dad... 

December is almost over, in a way thank goodness. No more cheesy music on the radio, no more decorations and festive lights in the streets and stores. This holidays reason went by without me noticing much. I just stopped caring, like Mr Scrooge. Except perhaps Earlier in the month, a friend and I bought some toys with the intention to give them away to charities (I began doing this three years ago, when I first visited ikea around this time of the year and saw they have this annual soft animal drive... Every toy bought is a dollar donated to UNICEF). (But it didn't go as planned... I had trouble finding places I could donate toys to, and in the end put the animals in a donation box... So much for plans and having good intentions). The only festive thing I did was get together with some people for a dinner on Christmas Eve (traditional roasted turkey and all...). It was pleasant, and we ended up watching YouTube videos and reliving songs and artists from our youth, which was amusing and nostalgic.

I haven't heard from my brother or his family for over a month. Just makes me think again if something were to happen to me, when would they find out? I'd probably be injured (or dead) for some time before they find out... Which is part of the reason why last month my cousin called me suddenly just after she lost an uncle to a sudden illness. She said she immediately thought of me... What would happen if something were to happen to me? Who would find out? Who would tell whom? It's what happens when you live so isolated from people and don't feel close to anyone any more... 

I can't really live like this, I need some kind change, need to infuse my life with that sense of awe and wonder I used to have, that sense of magic that made people feel like I'm "special". Now I'm just a faded and self absorbed star, one of countless many out there. Change comes from within, I know... But I so wish there were someone close who could encourage me, help me and gently push me forward. It's hard and a constant struggle to have to "fight" just to get up, just to go about the day like a "normal" person. If you've lost someone, if you've lost people, you'd know exactly what I mean and how much true and loving relationships mean. 

So I leave home and head to Toronto. First step to making a change. I'm not sure what I'll be doing there, but after a week cooped up at home I feel I need a change of scenery and need to get out of my comfort (depressed) Zone. I have this vague idea of wanting to buy a property somewhere, this thinking that I should live up to the promise I made to make a home for myself with all that my parents left me. I know I've been thinking about it for years now, been trying to find a place to buy, but nothing much came of anything. The property market just seems too inflated in Montreal, and I just don't see a future in that city (neither so my local friends...) Toronto seems to be the better bet, but I don't really know the city all that well. Lucky that a friend is leaving the city for a bit and ha kindly offered his apartment for me to stay in while he's away. That should give me a nice base and foundation to start looking around and get to know the city better... 

So this trip may be the first concrete step to moving away from Montreal and establishing myself somewhere else. A change is due, long overdue... Living in the same place, same city where all the events of the past few years took place cannot be healthy, and may be a reason why I'm often pulled down and struggle with depression. There are just too many ghosts and memories that I still struggle with and am reminded of (the house is a mess, a real mess, largely because I just don't have the energy to clear up and deal with all these things, pictures, letters, memorabilia all lying around the house...) 

Almost there.