School politics

It was a holiday reception, a get together, but there were tensions in the room. I'm sensitive to these kind of unspoken languages.

Universities, I guess like all places where people congregate in confined spaces, are breeding grounds for competition, intrigue and excesses of pride and predjudice. I've seen it at my last university, and I see it again here. And it's disappointing, because the last thing I want is to be involved or drawn in in any way.

But I guess it's inevitable. I'm part of the system, or perhaps the system is part of me, and I'm sort of asked to take sides... with them or against them? I want to chart my own course, neutrality, and not have to bother with power play and displays. Yet, suddenly I am told today Ive been drafted into a project aimed to bridge two sides.... when in fact, it seems like it's one side trying to assert domination over the other. I politely smiled, non-committedly, but I knew deep down I am roped in.

I was only there for two hours, but I left the room like I've just spent the whole day exhausting myself, even though I've done little else than just smile and make small talk. There are those who are terribly good at it, those who can smooth-talk anyone with authority and influence. And I'm not one of these people. I'm glad I'm not, and that I keep down until I'm discovered. If ever.

Well, at least the food was good.

Better

Spoke to mum just now, and she said she felt better. She sounded better. A swollen bit... what's that compared to other people who have their cancer spread to other parts of the body? She did sound better, especially having just received another deadly dose of chemo treatment. A few moments in the past few days, I have stopped to wonder how painful it feels.... I imagine that tube stuck to her, and wherever she goes she was reminded that she is a patient, a victim....

It's been a while since I wrote on here, I must admit. I guess partly because I've not been feeling too inspired lately, but instead rather down and troubled for some reason. I guess the whole move to Canada has not been as smoothly as I have planned. Not that all the materials things are lacking or missing... but it's more the emotional. I feel empty inside, like I did not 'take' everything in my life with me here. Which may explain why whenever I come home I feel so lonely, and save for the sound of music on the radio that is constantly playing, there is but an empty silence all around.

And I've been having a lot of thoughts of dear dad.... he seems to be in my dreams a lot, in my thoughts, in my mind... and the shameful and painful thing is that he cannot share this part of my life with me... he cannot enjoy the sights, sounds, the cold and the wonderful discoveries that I'm making here in my new life in Canada. And for that I feel.... 'guilty'.

The other day, at a posh banquet I sat next to a guy who I've known since hte beginning of the year, but never really talked to much. We sat and chatted about studies, politics... and family too. I told him how I've been feeling lost and down, how I lost dad, and well, perhaps am losing mum too.... he comforted me, said if he could, he would give me a hug. But I guess the awkwardness of social conventions and two men hugging is too strange, especially at a posh dinner.

But later on, as I made my way out, and toward home, he came running down the slope. "I forgot to give you something," he said, and he leaned over and gave me a hug. A semi-hug, but a hug nonetheless. And a meaningful, a powerful one at that.

Pictures of Montreal

I was sent an email the other day to take part in a competition at university. The winner will have his picture selection posted on the website for all the world to see!

You can have a preview already. The theme is "An international student's view of Montreal"

Swollen

Just got off the phone with mum. The doctor said that her colon has a swollen bit again, and that she needs to undergo chemo treatment. Tomorrow already.

"Don't worry... I didn't want to tell you... I'm prepared...It's just the therapy feels so awful..."

I fell silent. What could I say? But the silent does not help. I'm not sure what I could say that would help...in any way.