Better

Spoke to mum just now, and she said she felt better. She sounded better. A swollen bit... what's that compared to other people who have their cancer spread to other parts of the body? She did sound better, especially having just received another deadly dose of chemo treatment. A few moments in the past few days, I have stopped to wonder how painful it feels.... I imagine that tube stuck to her, and wherever she goes she was reminded that she is a patient, a victim....

It's been a while since I wrote on here, I must admit. I guess partly because I've not been feeling too inspired lately, but instead rather down and troubled for some reason. I guess the whole move to Canada has not been as smoothly as I have planned. Not that all the materials things are lacking or missing... but it's more the emotional. I feel empty inside, like I did not 'take' everything in my life with me here. Which may explain why whenever I come home I feel so lonely, and save for the sound of music on the radio that is constantly playing, there is but an empty silence all around.

And I've been having a lot of thoughts of dear dad.... he seems to be in my dreams a lot, in my thoughts, in my mind... and the shameful and painful thing is that he cannot share this part of my life with me... he cannot enjoy the sights, sounds, the cold and the wonderful discoveries that I'm making here in my new life in Canada. And for that I feel.... 'guilty'.

The other day, at a posh banquet I sat next to a guy who I've known since hte beginning of the year, but never really talked to much. We sat and chatted about studies, politics... and family too. I told him how I've been feeling lost and down, how I lost dad, and well, perhaps am losing mum too.... he comforted me, said if he could, he would give me a hug. But I guess the awkwardness of social conventions and two men hugging is too strange, especially at a posh dinner.

But later on, as I made my way out, and toward home, he came running down the slope. "I forgot to give you something," he said, and he leaned over and gave me a hug. A semi-hug, but a hug nonetheless. And a meaningful, a powerful one at that.