When you know, you know...

 When do you know the answers you are looking for?
What signs are there to tell you that those are the answers, or at least pointers you have been seeking? 

I am in the midst of a major decision, that could be life-changing (or not). 13 years ago, I was at a similar cross-roads, and I made that leap to jump into the unknown. That was to Canada, to a new country, a new life. One that lasted longer than any chapter of my life to date.

For the past year or so (actually, two years, since 2019, when I created a folder on my laptop called Project Australia), I have been thinking of moving forward from what I've been doing, and pursuing a doctorate degree.

There are doubts, of course. And I may look back (should I ever begin this..) one day in the future, and wished I could travel in time to tell my past self what a terrible mistake was about to be made and hoped that it could be avoided at all costs.

Well, yesterday, I moved further in that direction, buoyed by the reassuring words and advice of a dear colleague (and dare I say, friend, even though she is so much more senior and renowned) who budged me forward and onward. I submitted a scholarship application, which if succesful, will really determine what my next steps are.

When you know, you know. 

And this afternoon, I had such a terrible conversation with my brother. One thing led to another, and it was the first time he revealed to me that he and his wife are having marriage issues. I've know it for some time, I've seen it, even on those brief and occasional visits and stays at their home. But this seems irreperable. There seems to be just so much bitterness and anger that any communication is just impossible.

I can just imagine the scene, feels the tensions, the deathly silence.
I know, because I felt that when I was living with my brother. And he is not the easiest person to live with, let along have a life with. I feared it, more because of the impact this may have on my nephew and niece, who are still young.

But recounting my/own own childhood(s) and experience of growing up, seeing our parents fight, argue about money and different values, I know deep down, it is not healthy. I reminded my brother, while reassuring him that I do not wish to interfere or intervene, that one experience when I was 10 (or 11?) when I said to my mum one night, while she was crying after an argument: "Why don't you separate? Get a divorce? I can't stand to see you so unhappy". Even then, I knew that was not the life to lead. Even then, I knew happiness is so fleeting, and people should not be forced to live together and be a pretend family when there are irreconcilable issues and tensions.

Two people should be brought together by love, not anger or resentment. And that seems to be the situation with my brother and his wife.

Reiterating that I do not wish to intrude in their relationship, as I simply know too little, I  proposed that perhaps they seek marriage counselling. My brother said he was busy, and then just hung up the phone.

I was left extremely saddened, on the brink of tears...

But when you know, you know.

Eve of Mum's anniversary

It's the eve the anniversary of mum's passing. 9 years to the day. 

11 years since we were in Paris, and enjoyed a lovely dinner on the Champs Elyses.
10 years since we canoed on Lake Louise after a beautiful stay at the hotel next to it.
9 years since I tried hard to entertain her, keep her company in those last few weeks, days, minutes of her life.

 

I miss her dearly. And like previous years, the days of the anniversary are so much harder.
It doesn't make sense, for she is long gone. Long gone are the cancer cells, long gone are the hospital wards and agonising wait for results. But that is it. Long gone are also the opportunities to speak to her, to hold her hand, to feel her warmth.

Perhaps it is the perpetual (semi-)lockdown that has made it more of a struggle to break free from this mindset, this sadness and longing. It did not help that last week, I suffered a terrible fall on my bike, due to cracks in the road and tram tracks nearby, leaving me terribly bruised and open wounds on my knee and hands. 

I'm also saddened as the situation between my brother and his wife/family appears once again to be extremely rocky. My sister-in-law reached out to me and said she would like to chat with me one-on-one. Over the weekend, she sent me a video, a harrowing one, of my nephew recounting how he was so frightened by my brother, who apparently slammed the table really hard, and swore at him. My heart sank as I watched the 5min clip... It's not something that you want to see your 9 yr old nephew recount, and to know that he has been crying and even had a nightmare because of the incident.

It just goes to the root of my worries , anxieties and fears, and shows once again, that there is much trauma and baggage that is weighing down on my family. Especially, something is weighing down on my brother, in such a way that he is not able to release whatever is bothering him besides through anger, irritation, frustration and general discontent with the world. Why else would anyone swear and slam the table at a child? His own child, for that matter. 

The rocky relationship with my brother hasn't helped that whenever we speak, it is often a one-sided attempt from me to connect, to which he responds with simple replies or grunts. It's disheartening to say the least, even more so since I make a lot of effort, and make an effort to show how much I care. The issue has also surfaced in recent therapy sessions, in which I find myself straying to the topic of my upbringing and the unhappy childhood abuses that I suffered growing up with him.

All this, and I'm sure many other elements, bring me to my current state of mind. One of being demotivated, distracted, and also just sad. How I wish I could reach out to my mum, and just speak to her, tell her how I am feeling, what has been going on... How I could seek her advice on how to deal with situation with my brother, and what to do in light of the crumbling relations in his family.