When you know, you know...

 When do you know the answers you are looking for?
What signs are there to tell you that those are the answers, or at least pointers you have been seeking? 

I am in the midst of a major decision, that could be life-changing (or not). 13 years ago, I was at a similar cross-roads, and I made that leap to jump into the unknown. That was to Canada, to a new country, a new life. One that lasted longer than any chapter of my life to date.

For the past year or so (actually, two years, since 2019, when I created a folder on my laptop called Project Australia), I have been thinking of moving forward from what I've been doing, and pursuing a doctorate degree.

There are doubts, of course. And I may look back (should I ever begin this..) one day in the future, and wished I could travel in time to tell my past self what a terrible mistake was about to be made and hoped that it could be avoided at all costs.

Well, yesterday, I moved further in that direction, buoyed by the reassuring words and advice of a dear colleague (and dare I say, friend, even though she is so much more senior and renowned) who budged me forward and onward. I submitted a scholarship application, which if succesful, will really determine what my next steps are.

When you know, you know. 

And this afternoon, I had such a terrible conversation with my brother. One thing led to another, and it was the first time he revealed to me that he and his wife are having marriage issues. I've know it for some time, I've seen it, even on those brief and occasional visits and stays at their home. But this seems irreperable. There seems to be just so much bitterness and anger that any communication is just impossible.

I can just imagine the scene, feels the tensions, the deathly silence.
I know, because I felt that when I was living with my brother. And he is not the easiest person to live with, let along have a life with. I feared it, more because of the impact this may have on my nephew and niece, who are still young.

But recounting my/own own childhood(s) and experience of growing up, seeing our parents fight, argue about money and different values, I know deep down, it is not healthy. I reminded my brother, while reassuring him that I do not wish to interfere or intervene, that one experience when I was 10 (or 11?) when I said to my mum one night, while she was crying after an argument: "Why don't you separate? Get a divorce? I can't stand to see you so unhappy". Even then, I knew that was not the life to lead. Even then, I knew happiness is so fleeting, and people should not be forced to live together and be a pretend family when there are irreconcilable issues and tensions.

Two people should be brought together by love, not anger or resentment. And that seems to be the situation with my brother and his wife.

Reiterating that I do not wish to intrude in their relationship, as I simply know too little, I  proposed that perhaps they seek marriage counselling. My brother said he was busy, and then just hung up the phone.

I was left extremely saddened, on the brink of tears...

But when you know, you know.