18 April 2009

What I miss


A few days before the start of the exam period. It's late at night. I know I should be going to bed soon, especially if I want to break from that routine of waking up late and sleeping late, especially if I want to avoid feeling drowsy and down during the day.

It's been a somewhat rough few days. Probably doesn't help that I'm locking myself indoors and only going out when necessary. I just feel somewhat demotivated, lost... alsof ik ontbreek aan inspiratie, kleur en daadkracht in mijn leven (for some reason, when I stumbled into the bathroom this morning, that sentence just came to my mind). And I feel daunted by the exam ahead, especially since I've not read much of the required readings, and to be honest, a lot of the issues covered don't interest me much. Worse is, it's my field of study: space, and I'm supposed to be the all-so-brilliant fellow...

Then I hear mum's voice, mum's enouragements and kindness on the phone, and I feel rejuvenated. If only for a little while, I feel like I could go on again, I could face all this and strive forward. Try your best, she said, it's not like we expect a lot from you... you know when you've tried your best, and that is enough... don't put too much pressure on yourself, don't feel too stressed and upset.... don't be too hard on yourself... Very touching words. And deep down inside, I feel soothed. If only for a little while...

Spring Snow


They fall like snowflakes, spiral slowly down, down into the river that devour them below. But they only fly and fall once the snow has come and gone. Flighty and bright, blossom petals bloom and shed like sprinklings of snow from the sakuras in the slightest breeze.

I walked around the Tidal Basin, kicking at the rain as it drenched my clothes and hair. I gazed at distorted silhouettes and the wavering reflection of my own image barely recognisable in the pools of dirty rainwater. Ripples radiated and died. Birds twittered above, and squirrels scurried as I approached.

The museum crowds huddled around, patiently queuing to get indoors. The normally inquisitive and culturally-minded me was lost, and my mood was dampened. Perhaps by the incessant rain, perhaps by fatigue, and perhaps by the events of the past few days.

It has been intense to say the least, and I have still to recover from the accumulated lack of sleep over the course of several weeks. And Saturday was the height of it all. There we were, together with 8 other teams, all vying for the prestigious place of representing North America in the Finals of the space moot. But we all knew only one team would go through.

I was extremely proud of my team mates, and as was my professor, and even some of the judges who came to speak to and congratulate us. My co-counsels were articulate, well-versed in the law and the facts, quick on their feet. While some teams erred on the law, seriously misquoted ICJ cases and facts, we were confident and consistent in all we argued and defended. We seemed invincible, and we knew it. But mediocricy seemed to have an unfair advantage.

To be fair, we scored badly in our written briefs. It was kind of expected, especially since we rushed to complete it in a relatively short period of time. Had we had more time, for research, for brushing up our written arguments, for moulding every sentence, every word into one coherent and forceful voice, we would have fared so much better and further ahead. But that’s too late now. It is, as always, frustrating to see and know that some team with only mediocre knowledge of the law deserved a place in the Finals.

Cliché as it may sound, and perhaps sour to admit and remind yourself as a sort of self-consolation, it is not all about winning that matters most. The experience, the time spent together as a team, the efforts combined to go through ups and downs. I guess all those elements, the hard work through late nights and early mornings, those efforts sneaking food and drinks into the library, those illuminating moments when we managed to develop a offensive strategy of attack, the closer ties we have built along the way… they matter more than winning.

As I sped home, blue skies revealed themselves behind the dense gray clouds, and the sun came out of hiding. The brief spring shower has come and gone.