A moment

I'm sitting on mum's bed, all alone in our home in Taipei. Already past two in the morning, and I am feeling as if I could cry. Not out of sadness, but because of happiness.

I had waited till the plane landed, and throughout the day had been following mum's long, long flight to Europe to make sure the flight arrives safely. In fact I just called, and as expected, brother had picked her up and were on the drive home. He had uploaded a picture of mum, the moment when she just walked out of luggage pickup. Something about that image touches me... maybe it's the fact that only 16 hours ago, I was right next to her, I was hugging her and wishing her all the best.

I cannot contain my sense of relief and gratitude. All the planning and uncertainties in the past few months are over, and that mum has safely arrived in the Netherlands. At some moments, it seemed like she wouldn't make it because of her health condition and the chemo, but make it she did. I am glad, because over there, away from the noise and pollution of urban life in Taiwan, she can take the time to recuperate, to find herself and her health again.

She needs it, she deserves it. Despite my concerns and all my worries, she made it. She sounded joyous on the phone, excited even, and said she had a pretty good flight and feels not too tired (thank goodness for Economy Deluxe class on Eva Air). As I accompanied her to the airport very early this morning, I told her to take good care, to relax, to take things slowly and to let go of things here so she can thoroughly enjoy the cooler climate and cleaner air in Europe. Every little bit helps to stabilise her condition, to help her live a calm and stress-free life, and to keep the cancer from spreading.

On the floor I can see strands of mum's hair. However I sweep, they do not seem to go away. But I think mum has come to accept the fact, especially after her masseuse told her that it's good to shed, because even the hair strands contain toxin from the chemo. Only after shedding can the new ones grow back. So this morning, I saw mum pack her wig into the suitcase, and I helped to place it in a location so that it'll be free from being squished.

May a good few weeks filled with happiness and good health be with mum...

Grateful

In a complete change from the entry yesterday...

I went to the family home of a friend who passed away what has become almost six months ago. It was his daughter's four year old celebration, and she wanted to be with her daddy today.

I arrived, and they welcomed me like family, and made me feel welcomed like family. It was heartwarming to watch the girl play, run around carefree, and at moments stand in front of her dad's memorial and whisper to him. When the cake was cut, she took a little piece, with a strawberry topping, and placed it in front of the memorial.

We sat down after lunch, and the family brought out bags and bags of stuff. "For your mum," they said, and opened the bags, revealing precious supplements and medicine for cancer patients.

"I cannot take this... It's much too much," I said, touched, and almost tearing from the genuinely kind gesture.

"Take it, for your mum," they insisted, "After he passed away, the only way these things can help someone is if we give them away".

I was lost as what to say, embarrassed even at accepting such gifts, even though one of the supplements is something that my mum uses to maintain her physical strength and keep the turmours from growing.

"Take it," they insisted. I looked at the monk from the mountains, and he only smiled back at me. I understood what it meant, for he had once told me that to accept is as precious as giving.
I took the medicine and supplements and quietly put it into the bag, and repeatedly thanked them, again and again, for their kindness.

It's not so much how much the things cost, but the symbolic gesture of giving, and the opportunity and inkling of hope that the products represent that is priceless.

Irritated

I don't know why but I've been feeling so irritated and frustrated these past few days. A lot of muddled thoughts racing in my head all the time... no rest at all, even when I sleep, I dream, mind-wander and am thinking about this or that. About the conference next week, about work I've been given to do from my institute, about mum's condition, about my travel plans for the coming weeks...

Really, I feel so tired, so mum booked me a session with her masseur to release some tension. As soon as she pressed down on my back, she said she could feel it. There's an "energy" (qi) that's stuff in my chest, no wonder I feel oppressed often. Whatsmore, my neck and shoulder muscles are so tight that it hurt whenever she pushed down on them... I really cannot relax... to think of it, I'm not sure when the last time was when I really, really unwound and relaxed without thinking about work or other things bothering me. Sure, I may be flying all over the place, visiting all these countries, but the trips are really stressful, and at times emotional. Not exactly holiday...

Been spending so much time working in front of the computer these days trying to finish off my presentation, and also to finish off work I promised people I'd do. But it's sucking away so much of my time, precious time I had originally planned to do a meditation retreat or spend with mum.... Maybe this is a source of my irritation, my frustration. I've here, at home, but I'm not really "here" but almost constantly working....

So I'm looking forward to a trip I have planned after the conference in Singapore next week. Planning to take a train ride from Singapore up to Bangkok, and spend a few days with two good friends in Phuket. Normally I'm not a fan of beaches and sun, but anytime to get away, to spend with friends is a welcome change from the intense level of stress I feel right now...