Eve of the commemoration

150613.1531

I cannot describe the void. The emptiness. The pain and loneliness. I am wandering around the city, wondering where to go. This was once my city, once my home. Now it is like any other city I'm visiting, except everything looks so familiar, everywhere is littered with memories, both sweet and sour. 

I just want to break down and cry. Tomorrow is the big day, the (pre-poned) anniversary. My stomach of aching again. My mind racing. I am feeling so vulnerable again. Who knows the pain? Who knows how it feels to be here all alone in this city? 

Breakdown begins

Tears will be falling.

Falling

Falling 

Uncontrollably, painfully, liberatingly.

Can you feel my pain? 

Can you feel the void inside?

Can you feel the loss of a mother, a lover, a dear friend? 

Can you feel the unbearable trembling? can you bear to see the sobbing? 

Can you imagine why I am feeling this way, why I feel such loneliness and sense of abandonment? 

Tears will be falling. 

This is just the beginning. 

Just another day...

Once again, someone told me tomorrow is just another day like any other day. I cannot describe how upsetting that is. How hurtful.

I am not them. I am me. I do not choose to make a drama out of the anniversary of my mum's passing. How can they tell me not to be sad? How can they tell me it's irrational or strange to commemorate? There are those who still mourn on the anniversary twenty years on. I'm not saying ill be like that, but this is the first year. Do I not have the right to be sad? The right not to go out and party on a Friday night? Do I not have a right to remember, to cry?

Grief is so personal, so very personal. 

I am doing it my way, feeling it my way, and no other way. It is not wrong. It is not irrational. It is not bizarre. 

She was my mother. My dead mother. 

I know what we went through together, what we experienced together, whether at the hospital or on the road traveling.

Nobody can tell me not to make a big deal out of things. No body has a right to. Nobody ever should lest they are unaffected and immune to death and loss.

Taiddy the Bear

Again I found myself awake close to five in the morning. Jetlag has been the worst since I can remember. Someone reminded me it's worse when you are dealing with emotional things. She knows. Last she was faced with jetlag she went to attend a funeral.

I woke up and break out in sweat. A terrible dream. Yesterday, when I went to say goodbye to my ex, I took my favorite bear with me, the one my late mother gave me as a Christmas gift in 2011. I've never let that bear out of my sight ever since. Every night he watches over me, sits next to the heart-shaped pillow I gave mum for her last Mother's Day gift, and watches over me. 

Yesterday, I don't know how my ex inadvertently took it with him, and I didn't say anything. Was I too tired to protest? Did I even notice? Did he actually take my bear? I don't know what happened. 

I only remembered the bear is gone this morning when I woke up from the dream. I panicked when I couldn't find him. The panic made worse by the dream. In it, the bear disappears. I was crying. I searched for him everywhere. I was so stunned and so paralyzed by the loss. He is mum's last special gift to me. If I lost him, it would be losing yet another dear object to me after losing the little Spacemonkey Yuri who served with me for over five years...

Why am I attaching so much meaning to a bear? And not to people? He is perhaps the closest I have to companionship and love, the one thing I can attach to, the one "person" I come home to. And he was a gift from mum. Mum's gift to me. 

Wherever he is now, I just hope he is alright... I hope he is safe and well taken care of.

Airport encounter

I "surprised" my ex at the airport. I guessed he probably knew I would be there. What I would not do to please him, to please this special bear of his, who wanted to go to the place o his birth (or where he was bought) in London. 

But on the way to the airport I was still hesitant. What if I get an unpleasant surprise? What if his boyfriend is there? How would it hurt so much to see or experience an unpleasant surprise of my own... This is the life and thought process of someone who is just on the side, constantly wondering where my place is. No longer can I just surprise my best friend by just showing up at the airport like I used to...

I brought with me a bunch of goodies in addition to his special bear. He was going home, partly to visit his family, partly to attend a wedding. Later I would text him to remind him to enjoy time with his parents, to treasure every moment at home. Because that is a precious gift, one that when lost is lost forever.

We chatted very briefly as his connecting flight was taking off soon. Small talk, about work and whatnot. He asked about my time in Taiwan. I said very little. I was not sure what to say. I can't place into words what happened the past week or so back there. I cannot think. I cannot picture or place chronologically what happened. 

"Difficult?" He asked. My silence gave the reply. I held back tears that threatened to fall. 

I took out my phone and began showing him pictures. Of mum's final testing place, of mum's "urn box" decorated with pictures of her. Of the feast I (with help of some relatives...) prepared. Of the bear mum gave me bearing the large red heart that was my last Mother's Day gift to her, and an envelop containing pictures and a letter addressed to her. 

I saw my ex year. I wanted to reach out and wipe away his tear with my finger, to stroke his cheeks. But that is not my place. I have no place in his life, or in anyone's life to do that. He watched attentively the pictures I showed him, and tried to hide his affected emotions. 

Come time to board, I accompanied him to the security check. He went inside, before doing so we hugged. I placed my cheeks on his neck. Did he feel it? Before I would kiss the nape of his neck. Before, so many times before, we would stand around and be hesitant to part. How many times have we said goodbye at that airport? How many times with so much longing and counting down to the moments we would meet again?

I watched and waved as he passed through security. Watched and waved, and waved, and waved. I could not contain my tears any longer. I dragged myself onto the bus and homeward.

Taken

Of course, all the interesting people and person of interest  are taken.