Airport encounter

I "surprised" my ex at the airport. I guessed he probably knew I would be there. What I would not do to please him, to please this special bear of his, who wanted to go to the place o his birth (or where he was bought) in London. 

But on the way to the airport I was still hesitant. What if I get an unpleasant surprise? What if his boyfriend is there? How would it hurt so much to see or experience an unpleasant surprise of my own... This is the life and thought process of someone who is just on the side, constantly wondering where my place is. No longer can I just surprise my best friend by just showing up at the airport like I used to...

I brought with me a bunch of goodies in addition to his special bear. He was going home, partly to visit his family, partly to attend a wedding. Later I would text him to remind him to enjoy time with his parents, to treasure every moment at home. Because that is a precious gift, one that when lost is lost forever.

We chatted very briefly as his connecting flight was taking off soon. Small talk, about work and whatnot. He asked about my time in Taiwan. I said very little. I was not sure what to say. I can't place into words what happened the past week or so back there. I cannot think. I cannot picture or place chronologically what happened. 

"Difficult?" He asked. My silence gave the reply. I held back tears that threatened to fall. 

I took out my phone and began showing him pictures. Of mum's final testing place, of mum's "urn box" decorated with pictures of her. Of the feast I (with help of some relatives...) prepared. Of the bear mum gave me bearing the large red heart that was my last Mother's Day gift to her, and an envelop containing pictures and a letter addressed to her. 

I saw my ex year. I wanted to reach out and wipe away his tear with my finger, to stroke his cheeks. But that is not my place. I have no place in his life, or in anyone's life to do that. He watched attentively the pictures I showed him, and tried to hide his affected emotions. 

Come time to board, I accompanied him to the security check. He went inside, before doing so we hugged. I placed my cheeks on his neck. Did he feel it? Before I would kiss the nape of his neck. Before, so many times before, we would stand around and be hesitant to part. How many times have we said goodbye at that airport? How many times with so much longing and counting down to the moments we would meet again?

I watched and waved as he passed through security. Watched and waved, and waved, and waved. I could not contain my tears any longer. I dragged myself onto the bus and homeward.